Advice on depression and parenting? Also avoiding desires of self harm tangent.

[Mynamehere]

I feel like I'm in this fog of sadness. Kind of floating along, randomly crying. Lots of little triggers.

But I'm supposed to be taking care of my almost 5 year old, my just 2 year old, and an 11 month old I watch. And I'm supposed to be looking though Costco and BJ's apps to decide where we're going after my husband comes home from work, and meal planning for both the weekend and next week, and instead I'm just floating around, playing the Hogwarts game on my phone, scrolling Facebook, Babycenter message boards, anything to not be in my head.

Before my older one was complaining she wanted a snack but didn't know what and when she wasn't looking I scratched myself with a plastic knife, even though I've been really good with avoiding self harm lately. But I picture it in my head often and hold myself back from scratching myself. Once about a month ago I attempted asphyxiation with a robe belt out of frustration and while I know it's really a bad idea part of me really really wants to do it again.

The normal part of my brain is yelling no, don't, it's unhealthy. While the unhealthy part is telling me that as long as it's not going to cause damage, why not do something that helps unjumble all the sadness and frustrations and anger?

This kind of got away from my original intention in posting, but I think I needed to get all that out as well.

[fauxartist]

I think you should seriously get some help....if you’re having these thoughts regularly and have little ones around....it's probably a good idea for a change in your life. Have you told your husband about your suicide attempt and self harm? I would if you’re unable to focus and pull out of this on your own. He cannot help you passed being understanding and help set up some sort of child care arrangements for you to get professional help. This is not a judgement or guilt trip.....you’re in rough shape to be to the point of self harm and it's simply that you need to get help now.

Here are some online sites to maybe help you with some ideas on how to do that:

quotev.com/story/6537898/Se...

[Mynamehere in reply to fauxartist]

So it comes in waves. More like easily triggered depressive episodes than legit depression.

I've been trying to figure out a way to make therapy work, but so far I haven't found anything that works with our schedules.

That's partly why I came here, bc I realize I need help and I'm at a loss how to.

I honestly don't see it as a suicide attempt, as I was carful to make sure it wouldn't be tight enough to completely block my breathing, and I was the one controlling how tight it was.

He knows of my history of self harm, but I don't tell him when it happens anymore bc it scares him and he feels helpless, like what can he do?

I actually have seen that list! I've called the parenting stress line a couple times, it was nice.

But this isn't parenting related, and I'm not suicidal so I don't want to take away from those who are bc of my petty issues.

[AZ1970]

I have the same kind of impulses when I am not well. The fact that you have acted on them, is concerning to me. It sounds like your brain is dissociating and it is making it difficult to concentrate on daily tasks. With all the kindness in the world to you and the little ones in your care, you should not be caring for them right now. You need help. God forbid you harm yourself and traumatize the children or leave them unsupervised. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. Please reach out to your husband, a loved one or a friend and tell them what is going on. If you have a doctor, tell him/her. You are valuable and you have loved ones who need you.

[Mynamehere in reply to AZ1970]

I'm not sure how to explain it well...

I am 100% sure that I have the self control that I will not do anything to jeopardize the children. Also when I do self harm, it's mild enough on purpose, I have no interest in doing anything permanent. I tried once when I was 19 (I'm 31 now) and even went for an evaluation at a day program and they said I was too normal and healthy for intensive therapy.

Also, in regards to going to my husband, I think it's too much for him. The few times I did scratch myself that he did know about he just seemed lost, scared, and hurt and that he didn't know what to do.

I don't see getting help as a sign of weakness, I wish I had that option, but I'm too needed to at this point in my life. I have been looking but I can't find anywhere with weekend or evening options. Financially, we don't have the option for me to stop working.