I feel like I'm in this fog of sadness. Kind of floating along, randomly crying. Lots of little triggers.
But I'm supposed to be taking care of my almost 5 year old, my just 2 year old, and an 11 month old I watch. And I'm supposed to be looking though Costco and BJ's apps to decide where we're going after my husband comes home from work, and meal planning for both the weekend and next week, and instead I'm just floating around, playing the Hogwarts game on my phone, scrolling Facebook, Babycenter message boards, anything to not be in my head.
Before my older one was complaining she wanted a snack but didn't know what and when she wasn't looking I scratched myself with a plastic knife, even though I've been really good with avoiding self harm lately. But I picture it in my head often and hold myself back from scratching myself. Once about a month ago I attempted asphyxiation with a robe belt out of frustration and while I know it's really a bad idea part of me really really wants to do it again.
The normal part of my brain is yelling no, don't, it's unhealthy. While the unhealthy part is telling me that as long as it's not going to cause damage, why not do something that helps unjumble all the sadness and frustrations and anger?
This kind of got away from my original intention in posting, but I think I needed to get all that out as well.