Why do I completely lack motivation?

[GregariousGrace]

I have the most difficult time getting up and doing things, clean, work, laundry, self care, etc. I used to not be like this.

[Dabela]

You're not alone. I have such a hard time getting myself to do things. My depression and anxiety takes so much out of me it leaves me exhausted, and then I have to somehow find the motivation to do anything.

[GregariousGrace in reply to Dabela]

Thanks for the response. I am new here and once I hit submit it showed me so many related posts. I felt dumb. I didn't view any yet. I just joined and it told me to write a post. I get called lazy, a hoarder, etc. I am not a hoarder. I donate a lot of stuff with no anxiety. It feels good getting rid of things i don't use and hoping they will make someone else happy. I have been recently seeking help and I think my unkempt home stems from when I was assaulted. My brain tells me that if my floor is a mess a guy won't come in and hurt me. My friend told me if a guy is going to rape you, he does not care what is on your floor. He will just step over it or on it. I know my friend is probably correct. So I will clean up and everything will be ok and the I just start emptying drawers. Or scattering mail. The anxiety of a clean floor makes me fear getting my jaw dislocated again. But I really hate the mess. I like things tidy and in their places. I want a clean home but then I fear people will come over and that gives me anxiety. I have kind of built a fort around my foot. The same friend said it was like I set traps like in home alone. He tells me that I can have a clean home and still not have anyone over unless I specifically invite that person over. I know he is right but my brain doesn't seem to comprehend it. It is so frustrating. He will tell me to clean my house and I will start and then I'll have panic attacks. He will try to calm me and tell me stop. Feel the carpet under your feet. There was no carpet when you were assaulted. Look around. That is drywall not brick. You have a cat. She wasn't alive then. You are an excellent shot. You didn't have a gun then. Now if someone breaks in and tries to hurt you, you have a cell phone. You call 911. You get your gun. Warn him to leave. Tell him to stop where he is. And if he charges you or has his own weapon you shoot him. I know everything he says is true, but he is just a friend. I can't rely on him everytime I panic. That would be horrible and codependent and almost equally not healthy. He is the only friend who knows. He was around one time when I had a flashback. I cling to his friendship because he is always so calm. The attacker changed from calm cool and collected to anxious. Some how it came up that I was a virgin and his Persona changed. He seemed to almost regret what he was about to do. And looking back I sensed that shift. At the time I was oblivious. Now, when I am around a guy I like, and he seems anxious, I silently freak out and leave and never talk to him again. Except these men aren't sex offenders. These are shy nerdy dweebs. They would be amazing husbands, but I can't get past that first kiss anxiety. Not sure why I just kept typing after thank you but I feel like whatever I just typed was real so I'm not going to go back and edit or spell check because then I'll fear I'm oversharing and then think that there are so many people worse off than me and delete everything and just say thank you so instead I am just going to press to reply

[Dabela in reply to GregariousGrace]

That was really brave and wonderful of you to share that. I'm glad you just hit reply without going back and second guessing yourself. It was honest and real and I commend you for being able to do that. I know for me it's scary to hit that button. To expose yourself to the world. I can't say that I understand what it's like to have gone through that trauma but I can tell you that you are not alone. And even though you still are struggling you are taking steps to try and heal and that takes a lot of courage and strength. I am so sorry that you have experienced the pain you have. I'm so glad that you have such a good friend who is helping you but I understand what you mean by not wanting to be codependent. I struggle with that as well. I find it difficult sometimes to navigate through everything inside of me. Knowing if what I am doing is hurting or helping. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

[GregariousGrace]

Thanks so much. It was 15 years ago or so but I repressed it. Then one day it just all came out and that was confusing because it was depressed. And honestly I didn't really believe in counselors until I went in for the ptsd. It is frustrating to know what is wrong and how to fix it but not be able to get up and get going.

I thought I was doing well one day. I woke up and actually felt like taking a shower and then I put on makeup (I love make up. I feel like it is fun and art) which I haven't done much of lately. I was finally feeling pretty good. Then I got a call later that day telling me a friend passed away. I blamed myself. (We still do not know the cause of death) we had plans to meet up for lunch one day but my depression had me so down and I just couldn't get myself to get up and get dressed and drive. So I told him I was sick. And now he is gone. I blamed myself for his death. If I would have if I if this. Nothing logical or rational. But then i went from blaming myself to being sad that I'll never hear his voice again. My same cool calm and collected friend told me, "good. That is a normal way to react to someone who died. You miss him. That is a good reaction. " he was glad that I was no longer blaming myself.

My life seems to be crazy thoughts full of worry followed by finally calming down and then having "normal " reactions.