Feels like am going back into the state of depression

[Jayman3]

Hello,

Hope everyone reading this is okay. I know we all have tough times but however here’s mine .

I can’t go back years ago when I realised I was depressed . Actually I was out with my friend and explained I cry over nothing and sleep lots and he told me I was depressed . Fast forward !

I realise I don’t like taking calls anymore especially from my elder brother . We lost our dad years ago and he’s the eldest boy - yes he has been helping us all, financially especially. But you know what ? He is never wrong . He tells everyone what to do and wants you to be there whenever he calls and all that . Yes we are African migrants. I was on a student visa , 20hours to work a week , had to pay my fees . Wasn’t easy - my mum helped me with my fees sometimes . I went through so much and many things am ashamed to mention for money .

Well , recently I have been down and he tried calling , I texted him and said we could text rather than call as my mental health isn’t good - he said ok”hope you get well soon “. A week later my mum is in my neck to text him apparently he has a business idea and needs me my opinion I asked to text it through but he called - believe me , he didn’t ask how I was - he went straight to “I will be honest and tell you ....” he went in saying how he helped me migrate and I am ignoring him and how he helps the whole family but we always treat him funny, believe me you, no one does . He tells my mum how I am not smart and how I spend all my years studying and working in a cafe , and yes my other sister says same but when they speak to me they don’t mention. He tells me how I have full work rights but not actively looking . He goes on about his business and how his gf is helping him out when I as his sister should be the one helping . Apparently his gf asked why I wasn’t helping him and he said “I don’t speak to him “ . I could lie and die for my sibling but in the past up to now , my brother thinks it makes him look better by making me always look bad, he will support strangers over me . Anyways ...

I have been applying for jobs like crazy - I wish I could even work or free just to better my resume . Am doing a PhD and yet no one will give me a job. So yes I work in a cafe and braid on the side .

I can’t even tell my partner am depressed . My story is long . And maybe this doesn’t bring out what I have in mind .

I am ignoring his call and he has texted again. When I don’t speak to him or maybe like the 1 week I told him am not ok, it was the best of my life . I believe I am depressed today because of him .

I kept my depression a secret for four years and he was the first I told less than six months ago , but he tells me yesterday when he called I am not allowed to be depressed because I am from African and from a tough life and bla bla bla . That made me feel like I am a waste you know ? Maybe am weak like they all say

I am looking for an appointment with a counsellor I feel like if I don’t get help soon I will go back into full depression state . I can barely be at work like I hate my job now and nothing interest me . As I can’t find a proper job .

Sorry for the long rant- no friends to talk with

[Flaweddesign]

Wow it seems like you have lot going on your life, I dont understand much of anything else but I get the expectation coming from different culture there are pressure to do well and be tough. I am hiding my issues after I kept getting told by my husband I'm over reacting and over thinking. I come on here to have friendly ear and I'm hoping I can be there for someone who doesn'thave anyone else to talk to. You are allow to feel vulnerable and I think talking to councillor could be beneficial to you. Wishing you nothing but the best.

[Hidden]

Hi jayman..I think you allowed yourself to feel this way because you let down your boundaries and are soft towards your family..there is nothing wrong with how you want to communicate with others as you have your reasons so stick by your rules and don't let others control you especially in what they say..you may have decided to only sms but you haven't worked on their reactions..and that's what is getting to you..you can take their advice but it's what you do with it.. depression does not have a gender, age, nationality,..it can affect anyone to some degree..some full on and to some it may be mild..I hope this will pass soon, sounds like you are going through some uncertainty about things and life may seem abit tough at the moment..I hope things get sorted out for you..best of luck..