Hey all out there! Brian here. Recently I've started coming out of my shell a bit and trying to see which skills have atrophied in the long period of time I isolated myself. One of the ones that seems to be in dire need of work is gauging interest from others. I have always tended to have a hard time determining if someone was interested in engaging me in conversation or they were just being polite and trying to give me the brush off. I really am terrible at gauging other people's reactions. I begin to feel self-conscious and embarrassed by putting myself out there because I really don't know if the person I'm talking to really is interested or is just feigning interest just so that they don't have to be rude to me and tell me to go away. Does anyone have any tips to help me improve in this area? I believe it to be one of the bigger stumbling blocks I have on successfully breaking free of this overwhelming need to isolate. I'm still terribly bashful, especially around women, but hopefully some good advice will help me out. Thanks for listening
As always a friend,
Brian
Written by
bridder01
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Read the newspaper and listen to the news. Have two or three of the topics covered in your back pocket to talk about if all else fails. Stay away from politics, religion and sex.
Say "nice to meet you. How are you? "is a safe ice breaker.
Topics about pets, travel, weather, music that is playing are safe openers. Compliment people on their appearance in a casual way.
Am on a ship almost every month , so understand you situation.....just ask the "How are you?" shifts the conversation to the other person and everybody likes to talk about themselves.
HearYou’s advice is spot on, and talking with someone about themselves is a great way to generate interest in them as to what your opinions and experiences are. Another thing I would suggest that you could use as a potential marker for determining interest/disinterest during a conversation is body language.
When a person in genuinely interested in what you are talking about, whatever the subject, they will tend to angle themselves towards you in one way or another; maybe it’s as subtle as simply making eye contact throughout the interaction, but many people will literally face their entire body towards you if they are really listening to what you have to say with some interest. That’s not to say that people always do this when they are interested in what you’re saying, but it is a pretty solid indication that they are interested when they consciously or unconsciously make the effort to face you and maintain active physical cues that they are listening with any modicum of intent.
" I have always tended to have a hard time determining if someone was interested in engaging me in conversation or they were just being polite and trying to give me the brush off. "
Me too. But whenever I try to do this the more awkward I feel, and then the more awkward the conversation gets.
These days I try to do less talking and more listening. The more interested you are in listening to someone the more interesting they find you
One thing I learned was don't be too worried about a lull or a gap in the conversation.
This is much easier for me if I'm involved in an activity e.g. Walking / visiting a place of interest / doing a shared hobby rather than at a coffee shop or bar or somewhere where it's just about the interaction.
Also, it's not about you really.
I can be quite enthusiastic about some of my interests. To the point where I've seen people's eyes glaze over in the past. Yet at other times I've had feedback that the other people have really enjoyed my enthusiasm and have sought me out again or that I've inspired them in some way.
I guess these days I check myself if I feel like I'm being enthusiastic. I look to see if they're looking at me or leaning forward slightly and actively listening and asking questions. Or if they're glancing away and not interacting much - if this happens I just say I could talk all day about that but then I ask them what they enjoy doing.
I have different friends that I do different things with. I don't have a "best friend" (aside from my husband) where we are inseparable and do everything together as I see some people have. But I'm ok with that.
I think it’s healthy and great you have friends that differ and that you can do different things with different friends- lucky actually! Better than the alternative which is me and do everything mostly alone despite being married. I’ve even gone to concerts alone, how sad is that?!? But, better than not leaving the house which I’m prone to doing anyway.
your not alone there bridder01....with society the way it is in general today...it's always a crap shoot how people in social situations are going to react to us when we open up to them. I would suggest putting yourself in a social situation with a group of people with your same interests. I liked star trek conventions, sci-fi conventions, groups that were interested in mycology, and gardening. I'm a geek, and go through phases of being social and then isolating into my own little world of creativity. I'm never alone now though....but it took a very long time and many years to let anyone into my inner circle. I think if you venture into the social venues that your already familiar with, and find like minded people, conversation will be easier because you already have similar interests....boldly go, where no one has gone before young bridder01....and you will live long and prosper....
"Casual" is the way to go when you're meeting new people. That, and having a handful of "five-minute" conversations ready, like: pets, the "who do you know at this event?", the food if it's a barbeque, maybe a piece of jewelry someone's wearing, great new footwear ("they're great-looking! Where did you get them?"), something you'd be comfortable talking about for a short duration. Oh, and I forgot -- introduce yourself to new people. You'd be surprised how many people talk to one another without every exchanging names.
So, it's been several days. Have you had a chance to use any of the suggestions?
Certain that all would like an update.x
Hi bridder! I know how hard this must be for you! I have this problem as well and I am a fairly good-looking 32 yr old who has been the popular girl my whole life, beauty pageant queen and former model. And lately Ive been wanting to move to a campground and live in a tent just to isolate and get away from people! (Laughs) It sounds like you have Social Anxiety; knowing this gives you power because now you have targeted your approach to your problem; you can now research it online, get a book about it, ask for more support with this name in mind, etc. Also, work on confidence and self esteem as lack of these two greatly impairs your social functioning. I also suggest that you join some kind of group. Outpatient mental health group, support group, etc. Also try to be around people who are like-minded as you and have the same interests, that way you already have a foot in the door! I hope these tips help, and I know this is easier said than done but try to not worry so much about what others think of you, maybe get a book or research that online as well, just type in "how not to worry what others think" and you'll find tons of articles. Most of all, LOVE yourself! Love from others stems from loving yourself. Oh, and watch the movie Hitch with Will Smith! I think you'll like it!
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