Severe anxiety

[Meli1992]

I am new here and I have been suffering with panic attack since I was 10 years old. My childhood was not great which had a huge effect on my psychological state. I have been suffering for 15 years now and in the last 5 years I have been dealing with agoraphobia. As time goes on, my anxiety gets worse. I did seek psychological help and I did get better but then I relaspe once more and I get worse than I was before.

My worry is that I will never be able to live a normal life. I am always in fear. It has physically harmed me. I often vomit, I don't feel hunger and I am constantly shaking. It makes me depressed because I have tried everything. I tried the natural way by eating healthy and exercising and it did work for a while but now it doesn't work anymore. I have tried a couple of anti depressants and they don't work either.

I have reached a point in my life where I am tired of suffering. I wanted to end it all by taking my life because I don't want to feel the anxiety anymore, it is exhausting. I feel so alone, like I can't be cured. I don't like talking about my issues because I am afraid of worrying people around me. My family have tried to help me but my anxiety persist. I feel guilty for making them suffer and worry about me. I'll rather be dead than to hurt those around me. I have been called weak because I can't control my anxiety as well as I use to. My mom thinks I'm going crazy which does not help me at all. No one seems to understand my pain which is why I don't like talking about it.

[Agora1]

We understand your pain Meli1992, all too well. I had gone through severe anxiety for 30 years, five of them being Agoraphobic. I felt helpless, alone and afraid. I disappointed my mother who constantly reminded me of the fact that I was missing all family events and how embarrassed she was. It certainly doesn't make it any easier. Friends dropped off like flies. One day I turned around and nobody was there. The phone stopped ringing, the invitations stopped coming. It was like I didn't exist.

I was on medication, had hospitalization, multiple therapy sessions every week and yet I couldn't break out of the fear of life and what it may bring. The one thing I had going for me is that I never gave up and I never stopped believing I would get out of this fear cycle and become myself again. When everyone around you leaves and the therapist has said all she can day after day then it's time for us to save ourselves. And that's what I did.

I certainly wasn't going to allow my anxious mind to dictate a life time sentence for me. This is where determination, perseverance, patience and believing in myself came forward. I pulled out all I had learned over the years and finally put them to use. An "aha" moment came one day when I realized, that I wasn't using all the tools I had within me. I would agree at the time but then not practice or accept what I had been taught. What a surprise when I realized my therapist was right and I did have the key to success within me. I just wasn't using my resources.

I referred to YouTube everyday, listening and watching videos that might give me that extra boost of confidence to move forward. Slowly but surely, small steps at first got me out the door and driving again. Cancelled doctors, nurses, lab techs, therapy, grocery delivery etc anything and everything that came to my home for 5 years was cancelled. It was just enabling me to want to stay in my safe zone. I realized my home wasn't the safe zone but my mind that made me think it was unsafe to leave.

I'm free once more. I am me again. It doesn't have to be a forever sentence. Anxiety played a mind game with me. Games are meant to be won and I challenged anxiety and won the game of Life. With the help of this forum Meli, you can and will change your way of thinking to a more positive approach in life. Accepting that anxiety can't harm you physically or mentally if you don't allow it to. Giving up is never an option. Life is Good if we give it a chance. We're here for you xx

[Meli1992 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much for your reply Agora. It is good to know there is someone out there who understands. At the moment it feels hard to calm my anxiety but you did give me some hope for the future. Severe anxiety is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. When I was first showing signs of anxiety my mom was too embarrassed to take me to see a psychologist. She assumed I was overacting. I came from a very strict and neglecting parents. It wasn't until I was 19 that I finally broke down and got on my knees and begged my mom to help me find a psychologist.

Till this day my mother thinks that I am too weak and that is why I suffer. The reality is... I have been strong for too long but now I have reached a stage where I can't seem to get my anxiety in under control. Not many people understand how serious anxiety and depression can be. It is not something you can get over. The fear is real and debilitating. No one can judge me as bad as I judged myself.

I have forgiven my parents but it is sad that my anxiety still has a tight grip. I want to get better but I also don't want my family to see me as an outcast or a crazy girl. The sad reality is that people who have never experienced these types of psychological disorders will think we are overacting.

Your story has given me some hope and I hope someday I'll be myself again... Even though I hardly remember who I was before I had anxiety. What I want the most in this world is to feel peace.

[Agora1 in reply to Meli1992]

Unfortunately Meli, anxiety is all too real and unless someone else has experience the emotional pain we feel, they can never understand. That feeling of peace and tranquility can be yours for moments at a time by taking a daily respite from the world.

I use YouTube and go into Meditation/Deep Breathing every afternoon around this time. It's my way of tuning out the stress and anxiety of the day. I also wake up in doing meditation and breathing before getting out of bed. Before falling asleep at night, I do the same thing.

Practicing this on a daily basis prepares you for whatever life may hold. There's a lot of negativity around us but we can push it aside by being more positive in ourselves, in our lives and in our thoughts. Breathe Meli.... You have found a virtual family here on the forum. We would never judge anyone because we understand and we care. xx I'm off to meditate

[Francesca61 in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, you are THE BEST!!