shutting down

[RcKitty]

I am overwhelmed with anxiety and still having suicidal thoughts everyday. I feel myself shutting down, like there is nothing left inside me I haven't cried lately when I usually cry all the time and I feel just...nothing... and what I do think about is walking out the door in the middle of the night and walking aimlessly until I find a bridge and jump off. the medication I have been on for over 2 weeks is not working. my therapy is not helping , my psychiatrist is very cold and prescribes my medication and sends me on my way and doesn't really talk or listen to me I feel....my family still tells me how pathetic I am whenever they can....

[Janieliza]

Firstly I'm sorry you are going through such a rotten time of it. There are a few things that I would like to chat to you about if I may please as I've been through these exact feelings and my young daughter is also in a bad place right now. When you say you used to cry and now feel nothing....this lovely is the numbing emotion. We've all been there and it honestly feels like there's nothing but darkness ahead doesn't it? You aren't actually shutting down but you are trying to protect yourself from the thought that surround you day in and day out...and these freeze your every emotion. Crying is a release for some...not all and the fact that you no longer cry adds to your anxiety. Massively so actually. With the meds...i don't know what you take but anti depressants can take 21 days to get into your system...i know I know, a nightmare in itself. Others are immediate so if it is one that works pretty much straight away and you don't feel a change...it must be changed. It's sad that the psych seems to dismiss you but is it a heightened feeling because you are so low...a psych really listens to you rather than speaks because they need to give you the tools to then go and use them when they don't see you inbetween. Have you been offered relaxation methods or breathing techniques? I was where you are now and like you..didnt have a great psych, actually once i started to recover I realised she helped me more than I realised. Breathing techniques are paramount(for me at least) and when I was in such a place where life was nothing to me...i started to shut my eyes and breath. And I mean really really concentrate on what I was doing. This isn't easy, esp when our thoughts are racing but find a quiet space. Sit and close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose and count to 1 (dot dot) 2 (dot dot) 3(dot dot) 4 (dot dot) then on 5 out through your mouth. So, 5 (dot dot) 6 (dot dot) 7 (dot dot) 8 (dot dot) then repeat until you can feel yourself calming. The thoughts of suicide won't just go in a click of a finger so if you could...please try writing(yes I know this sounds ridiculous) it's actually a great way to put what you are feeling at that exact moment down...this may also help your psych know where you are and also there could be a pattern or trigger. Have a pad close(I used to keep a tiny notepad in my pocket) instead of thinking it....write it down. I can't tell you why it helped me...but it did and I eventually showed 2 ppl who thought I could snap out of it and it helped them eventually help me!. If you can also..picture a tunnel or a field or somewhere where you can picture a light at the other end. A lake with stepping stones and a lantern at the other side even. If you have one day...one minute, second where you have a good thought...take a step towards your light and really visualise it. It doesn't matter if you stumble and end up wet through...you still were nearer to that light. You are beating yourself up so much and the pesky rollercoaster of emotions is the worst ride for anyone because it's a ride that never seems to stop...but it will honey. It will. It's such a lonely place and it doesn't help that you are being called pathetic. You are NOT in no shape or form pathetic. You ARE however incredibly braver than you think. You are battling a fear that is stronger than anything to keep it together and let me tell you this...you are doing it. Despite the darkness...you are doing it. So instead of the negative words...you tell yourself this. Because it's such a lonely place...we don't often know where to turn...but you did..here and I for one think you are amazing for doing that. I've been in the darkest place to now having the occasional wobble so I, and the other fantastic ppl on health unlocked understand every thought and emotion you are going thro. If you don't have the support at home..you have it here and at any time. There is usually someone around that will support you...and support you need. There are many caring and kind ppl and they have supported me through a rough time recently and we are here for you. The next time you have a dark thought...do me a small favour if you can...only if you feel able, come here and tell us. We can then support you. I send most a virtual huggle and you are getting one today! Take care lovely. Janie

[fauxartist]

Your not pathetic RcKitty...everybody's pain is valid...and obviously your not getting the help you want and need. Don't give up...fight this...tell your therapist they are not a good fit for you and you need someone you can relate too and you feel is listening to you. They are a professional....and are supposed to be there to help you, if they can't, then they should be able to refer you to someone else. But also tell them while you are in transition to get the right therapist for you, your medication is not working...you need something different....hang in there.