depressed

[tarabeth1]

My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness in October. My dog died at the end of January. I was relying emotionally in a big way on my boyfriend, but blew that this weekend. I had too much to drink and said something hurtful, and now he has left me. We have never had a fight, and I have apologized and begged forgiveness for the last 2 days. I am totally lost and heartbroken, can't eat, can't sleep...I just don't know what to do. I hate myself right now & feel like crying all the time. He was my rock, and now I have nothing. I would do anything to take back what I said, but I can't...and Ive lost the best thing Ive ever had. I can't keep reaching out to him or he'll think Im nuts, so I went looking for some sort of support online & this is what I found. Any thoughts or words of encouragement would help me to cope. Thankyou.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry about the loss of your dog, and especially about your mom, you must be hurting terribly already about that in the first place before your thing with the BF. And as far as the boyfriend goes....there could be a lot of issues there. First off, drinking loosens our reasoning and rational thinking sometimes, and we tend to bypass our filters and say things we would not normally say. But once the genie is out of the bottle, words that have been said we cannot un-say them. I would give him some time....and give yourself a break....try and go to therapy and work on your grief about your mom and also the loss of your dog.....what happened between you and your BF was probably you lashing out at in frustration, fear and anger that you had no control of these events and your sad, grieving, and hurting. You can apologize a bit later if you feel you want to, and know that may not change things between you and your BF, and you must prepare yourself to know you may have to let him go for good. And work that out to in therapy.

You can write about it here, it's a safe place, with a lot of very kind people going through their own stuff.

[tarabeth1 in reply to fauxartist]

thank you. Ive been trying to find a counselor all morning and im not having any luck.

[tarabeth1]

I cant find any therapists locally who are accepting new patients and are covered by my health insurance. I feel like what I said to him wasn't really terrible, but he seems to have taken it very personally, says he was just starting to trust me & talk to me & now I've ruined it. I think I'm being held accountable for hurt he has felt from past relationships, but Im not in a position to debate with him. All I can do is what Ive already done, apologized, & pleaded with him not to throw away the future I had hoped we would be sharing. He says he needs to be by himself now. In my own head, I'm hating myself. This also feels very much like the straw breaking the camels back. I was really relying on him for emotional support on a daily basis, I probably shouldn't have been. I'm just incredibly sad. Thank you for letting me get some of these words out of my head. cant stop crying.