For a couple of months I've been feeling very down. It all started when I dropped out of University- the course wasn't right for me, and I felt like I hadn't really connected with my flat mates. On the whole, I guess I just wasn't as ready as I thought to commit to the uni lifestyle. Anyway, I moved back home. Where I live is quite isolated, and a good 20 minute drive from the nearest town. I'm only 18, and at the moment I can't drive, which I believe is to be the first contributing factor to why I feel so sad. I feel like I can't go anywhere/do anything. My Mum is finishing off her social worker degree and is on placement, so has to leave early in the morning to get to it. Because of this, lifts are limited. My boyfriend and a lot of my friends all go to university in the same city, which is nice because I can see them both when I go down to visit (I normally do this every week). However, when I'm not there, I'm at home alone. I feel so lonely and helpless. It's frustrating because I can't afford driving lessons at the moment so I can't really do anything about driving. I hate nothing having anything to do and feeling so bored all the time.
Another issue that has led to me feeling so low is my boyfriend. We have been together for a while now, and like most couples, had our ups and downs but on the whole got along very well. This Christmas gone by was the worst time for me and him. I noticed around the time he wasn't been as sexual as he normally would be and we weren't having sex as much generally. It got me quite upset, and I finally confronted him on why this. He eventually told me its because I had gained weight- I knew he didn't want to upset me by saying this, but it took a huge toll on my self-confidence and left me feeling very insecure and hateful of myself. A couple of months later, we had another big argument, and he called me 'fat and ugly'. As you can imagine, I was furious, and felt so small and diminished. I feel like I'm constantly having to watch what I eat now which is making me miserable and feel like I need everyone approval of me to make me feel good. It is constantly on my mind about my own appearance and makes me feel horrible, leading to these low moods I always have.
Finally (on what I think is contributing to this) is where I work. I recently started a new job as a sales consultant at Next. I've always been quite an anxious person, but I dread going to every shift. I feel like nobody likes me there and feel nervous that I'm always going to do something wrong or mess something up. I don't work particularly long hours there, so I'm only there 2-3 times a week, but I literally count down the days every week and get a 'sick-y, anxiety' feeling the night before, dreading the morning I go in.
Some days I feel okay, but others I just randomly burst out crying and having this constant 'nagging' feeling of anxiety in my stomach. Sometimes I feel what is even the point of living. I know I can't describe how I'm feeling completely in a few paragraphs, but I was wondering if anybody could give me some insight in to why I may be feeling like this, and if I should seek some professional help. I just want to stop feel anxious and upset all the time.
Thank you, Maddy
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