Realizing I'm codependent...

[Aspergirl47]

Hey Guys, Was wondering if anyone here has a problem with co-dependency? How does it affect u ? I'm beginning to realize I might have had this problem for years and was wondering if anyone can tell me their experience and the traits to look for...Appreciated x

[gkskfangs]

ah, codependency. great topic. i've been wondering about the same thing too. been reading up about it and found it's something about "gaining self-esteem through excessive care taking, putting other people’s needs before your own, feeling like you need to fix or save people" and i think i might have been doing that, all this time...

i really hope others would explain a lot more, i would like to know too.

[Clarebear86 in reply to gkskfangs]

Very interesting, I too would like to know more.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Clarebear86]

Yeah, I think a lot of people will be surprised to know they've been doing this a long time and never knew it....

[Aspergirl47 in reply to gkskfangs]

Yeah, I believe ive been doing this too..I notice if I don't get peoples approval about things ive done, say for instance, I paint a picture but they don't seem overly impressed then I usually give it up even though I like painting...like u said also putting peoples needs in front of my own, like I don't deserve to be looked after...im a total people pleaser and if on a very rare occasion I say no...I worry excessively that they wont speak to me or abandon me...this is what started my panic attacks again after 5yrs free of them, I thought a close family member was abandoning me when they argued with me over the phone...that night I woke up with a severe panic attack....

[mjlitl13]

Yes, I KNOW I have co-dependency!

I like to help people because I have always felt different, at first because of my severe shyness as a child and young adult.

But, since I have been in therapy, and after my husband passed away, I became attracted to people who needed my help in some way.

First, I was attracted to a guy who just liked me but was very shy. At that point in my life, I had joined a support group that helped me with my shyness and, because I was lonely, I started dating him.

Found out later that he drank way too much. Thought he was an alcoholic, but because I wouldn't stay with him due to that (we broke up a few times), he started drinking less and less.

Eventually, he stopped altogether. But he suffers from depression, all his friends died young and the only thing that helped his shyness was alcohol. He never drank again, but now we live together and hardly do ANYTHING together.

During the time I was dating him, I was attracted to another guy who was in AA. He had no one else to talk with, at work, about his issues so a mutual friend introduced us. I always felt he was way too cute for me, but we got along really well due to our mutual issues. We even went places together like the movies, a play, etc but it was never a date.

Again, this was a co-dependent relationship.

I met another guy on FB, that I liked, didn't know exactly why, but found out later, that he needed my help.

When I help someone else, I feel somehow stronger emotionally. I guess it helps my fragile self-esteem.

H'm, seems my co-dependency has always been with members of the opposite sex. Maybe, due to my fragile ego, I feel that helping guys is the ONLY way that they will like me!

Need to talk with my therapist about this. Feels like a breakthrough!

[Aspergirl47]

Hey, Thanks so much for telling your story... I seem to want to help everyone and everything around me...I was the same as u, really shy and I think youre right our self esteem needs boosting so we probably feel better when we feel people need us in a way....I always felt different too still do.....I was diagnosed 2yrs ago with Aspergers, so that probably has given me the answer to feeling different...I was living with a guy who also had depression and it was the same never hardly done anything...I was so frustrated and angry all the time, we have remained friends but I think he knows I'm codependent and that feeds his controlling side...very unhealthy...I agree with u that we probably think the only way anyone will like us is by helping them....its sad really, we should never need anyone...we should love ourselves as we are....Hugs x

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Wow! What an eye opener! Thank you. I am married to an alcoholic. I have called it enabling. I know as soon as I see someone hurting I naturally gravitate toward them. My son use to always make friends with people who were troubled. I would not want him to go places with them but I would try to help them. Now every time I try to stand up to my husband something bad happens and I turn to butter trying to help him. And repeat... Its a viscous cycle. Even here I am obsessed with wanting to help people. I genuinely care and truly want to help them. I thought it was just natural to feel good if you’ve helped someone. I still think so but what an eye opener and I can see the difference. So along with enabling I am feeding the meanest he gives me. It sounds like I’ve got some research to do. Along with some serious soul searching. Is it similar to wanting to get likes on fb selfies? I don’t feel like a bad person. It is with genuine care I do this but I can see how my mom telling me I allow him to do that to me or I’m asking for it could definitely be a codependency-problem. . Darn. Now what do I do? Research and therapy I guess. I don’t know anything else. Maybe I can find some good co-dependency literature.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Hey Hopeful-Tinkerbell....Its good to become aware that this might apply to you...there are so many people who say they just love caring for people and don't know their codependent.....I have always been hurt by suffering of any kind from very young...helping animals and anyone I thought needed my help, so like u, I always just looked at myself as kind and caring...but I found it goes a lot deeper than that...I read theres a great book...Codependent No More..u might want to look it up... I found out that if you are a codependent u are highly likely to end up with a partner who has alcohol/substance abuse or passive aggressive tendencies because they figure out pretty quickly that we will make excuses for their nasty behaviours...Hugs x

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Aspergirl47]

My mom accuses me of making excuses. I’ve heard about so many books on here that I would love to read! I need to start making a list. I still don’t know how it can affect me other than being used, taken advantage of etc. but I’ve had more than enough of that not to mention the emotional abuse. It’s just never the right timing to stick up for myself. It’s been 18 years here and my family is the same. If they need my help it’s fine otherwise they can’t stand me. I’m going to research it.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I really hope u see the damage people do to someone who is codependent...they psychologically mess u up so bad...Well I have just today told my passive aggressive partner of 20 yrs to go and never come back ...I don't know where I got the courage from today, I got so angry with the way he treats me that I thought enough I'm not putting up with this another year....I hope I don't fall apart now and I must stay strong for my Autistic son, he hated him...I feel for u because my family are the same too, they live 5 minutes away but I never see them unless they need me to do something for them, I cant understand people like that...and were better away from them...Have u lost your self identity? Youre self esteem/worth will be nearly non existant too...We are supposed to and deserve to be happy, not miserable....there are good people in the world but as one of the books said ...If a codependent doesn't become aware of their behaviour, they will always be found and used by the wrong people, the hell will continue...something to think about.. Hugs x

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Aspergirl47]

I’ve learned a lot. It sounds silly and I am way too old but I dream of getting my own house and having a pink couch. I’m disabled so I don’t know how I would ever afford it though. This is my 2nd marriage. I always swore I would never get divorced again. I was stronger the first time. Now I just don’t have the energy to find. Then when I work myself up for confrontation something bad happens and he needs me. Then the cycle starts again. So it’s just easier to avoid him. He does his thing. He doesn’t come home a couple nights a week usually. So I stay up at night and enjoy my dogs comforting energy. She is so sweet. Then try to sleep when he’s not here. We are room mates at best. I did ask him why we are doing this and why we are wasting our lives. I told him I would like to make it right but if not then we should call it quits. He said he hasn’t wanted to try to fix it because I let my adult son get a puppy without his permission. My adult son doesn’t train the puppy good. I understand his frustration but we were messed up way before the puppy. I’m disabled and he thinks I need to suffer. Trust me I do! I just don’t know how I would make it all alone. My son is not reliable or responsible and I don’t want to leave him but can’t take care of him. It’s a lot. Easier just to live as roommates and try to avoid him and ignore him when he’s nasty to me. Opened a can of worms there it’s just not as simple as it seems. I have no one and no where to go. Then there’s my son. He has no one but me. He’s not my husbands son. So I’m stuck until my son gets his own life. Or place at least. It’s worth being miserable to provide a home for my baby.

[Georgia333 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Have you ever thought about going to al-anon meetings?They address these kind of issues there,plus give social support.For free.How big is the city you live in?I live in a small city and there are meetings every night.You should give it a try.Good luck.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Georgia333]

Virginia in the middle of nowhere but fairly close to a city. Maybe 30-40 minutes away. I don’t drive well at night. Can’t see. I cancelled a doctors appt today for a portal vein blood clot. It’s just not easy for me. I’m the cancel queen. He doesn’t come home a few times a week though so I’m okay. I just try to avoid him. I just can’t face confrontation. I also don’t like going out much. He goes out and I stay in.

[Aspergirl47]

Hey, Sounds very similar to my situation, I totally get where your coming from, its not an easy situation at all...I myself have Aspergers Syndrome and was only told 2yrs ago...aged 45....I also have a son who has Aspergers and my partner was not his father, I met him when my son was 5yrs old...I was with him best part of 20yrs...I didn't even realize it was an abusive relationship as he was always buying me things (flowers, chocolates etc) and would do any D.I.Y around my house also buying toys for my son and taking him to the cinema...( I had become Agoraphobic) and couldn't get out the house so he would take him out....everyone thought he was really nice...but then the real side would show after I was with him for a good while...that's how abusers reel u in....I started to notice I would have lots of angry/aggressive outbursts when I was with him...which turned out to be Autistic meltdowns..he would be so angry and irritable at the slightest thing ....people started to notice I was putting on lots of weight, withdrawing from everyone and looked and felt really low....but by then we had got a car together, so I was financially tied and thought I just have to put up with him now, but try and avoid him as much as possible but the atmosphere was awful and my son ended up with depression...there was no laughs nothing...but I still would stay and being codependent I thought I could help him....I would waste any energy I had, which was little...on telling him how to help himself, it was in one ear out the other, he didn't care because it was never about love, only someone who would meet his needs and he could control...I sympathise with u....its a miserable place to be...I so hope u get your own house and that pink couch... sounds great....Hugs xx

[Punk1977]

Hello,I am new to the site.But for those of you asking about info on co-dependency.I starting seeing a therapist, just last week. She said I sounded very much as being co-dependent and recommended me reading a book called,Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.I ordered it from Amazon for around 10 dollars.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Punk1977]

Thank u and Welcome.. I heard this book is the best one ..I will try Amazon too...I'm sure I am codependent too with a passive aggressive partner.....Ive just realized what a bad combo that is and why ive been so miserable and exhausted with him....I hope youre therapy is helping...

[Punk1977 in reply to Aspergirl47]

Thanks so much,I really hope it does.I have suffered with depression for about 21 years and had OCD since as early as I can remember.I constantly have negative thoughts, so my doctor recommended her,to try to help change my thought pattern.God knows I have tried everything else!But I did start reading that book yesterday,and its a very easy read.I am enjoying it so far,especially considering I am not a big reader.Best Wishes to you and thanks for responding!

[SpeaktheTruth in reply to Punk1977]

I haven’t read it, but I have a friend who is a therapist and he recommends that book a lot and says it is really helpful.

Nice user name by the way Punk1977. Feel free to message me and we can talk about music some time if you are feeling down.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Punk1977]

Hey Punk1977...I also have OCD and depression, its no fun...I also cant seem to get a grip of my negative thoughts, they have plagued me for years...I also have Agoraphobia and find it difficult to leave home but today I managed to walk around my local park myself, I thought I would be so happy, but all the negative thoughts came rushing in....like...look at you being scared of something anybody can do...pathetic....I don't understand because I know deep down that was a big step I took today....I hope u get a lot from the book and it helps...Best Wishes to u also...