What am I missing?

I know my depression is a problem.

I know it often is a barrier to my happiness and my development as a person. I know it hinders my success: in school, in work, spiritually, and with interpersonal relationships.

It's a basically a thorn in my side in all of life's pursuits.

But it can't be the only problem.

Other people have depression. Other people I'm sure have similar concurrent weaknesses as well. But I know people with depression can be happy and successful people and I assume even people similar to me have found happiness, peace and success in their lives. Found strength to persevere and conquer or at the very least manage their demons enough to feel like their moving forward.

I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I know sometimes I just have to suck it up and wait but that shouldn't last forever. There has to be a point of rest and reflection. A point of action and movement. A point I can say "I suffered through all that so now I can . . ." Something. :/ Still waiting for that "something". I'm led to believe I'm doing something wrong that is preventing that "something" from happening.

I have depression. I have an addiction. I am often impulsive. I have bad anxiety on occasion. I can be selfish. I self isolate. I'm often apathetic. My mood swings a lot. I don't trust myself to be relied upon.

My heart hurts really bad. My self esteem is real low. A week ago I seriously contemplated suicide.

It's really hard to tell which weaknesses feed all the others. I know if I solved the addiction problem the depression would certainly lessen. I know the addiction would be easier to conquer if my personality wasn't so impulsive and I didn't get such tunnel vision so often.

I know apathy is a big issue when you have to find the motivation and self discipline to grapple with these issues.

The apathy is caused by too much depression and anxiety.

It's just a big interconnected mess from Hell.

5 Replies

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  • You know I'm in the same state, I suffer from depression and social anxiety. Even I had to abandon the college, cause I start to get sick physically, couldn't concentrate on a simple task. But when I try to get over everything come back. I try to get a job but it was hard. I strong with myself a lot, but it's too hard. I stop to seeking for help. I say that is not fair for my family, I'm sick doing this. And it's hard cause maybe everyone is suffering but still continue the same frustrating and asphyxiating routines. I wish I could give you words that heal your soul, but I know it is not enough. But like you I'm still trying.

  • Trying. That's all we can do sometimes. Try. That and letting go of our pride and stubbornness enough to ask for help or make a difficult change. :(

  • When I asked for help I ended up making everyone sick of me. So I isolate myself trying a new road, but still fighting with myself.

  • Sorry that when you ask for help people were not supportive. Hopefully this community Will providemore support for you. I find for myself that when asking people for help I try to distribute it across a large number of people so I'm not overwhelming this one too much

  • I see. But you're right, I find this community more support. Thank you.

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