A common theme that comes with social anxiety is me acting like a total idiot when I am drunk. It's not really what I do, but what I say that I find so frustrating. I enjoy going out for a drink, or having a party as I rarely socialise anyway. However I always seem to mess it up - alcohol makes me think and say things totally differently however I worry that the people who hear the things I say misunderstand that what I've said is not me, and that under the influence of alcohol I am not 'myself', certainly with the things I say. I feel that I become so anxious in social situations that I go manic and start speaking about myself and awkward topics and I sound so rude and stupid.. either I do not talk at all or I over-talk and say strange / inappropriate things and I find it hard to concentrate on what other people are saying, it makes me feel so self-centred and rude, especially when I'm drunk or extremely anxious.
I always overthink the whole event / evening the next day. I cringe at the things I have said to people and how awkward and annoyed they must feel. I just have so much self-hate and self-obsession it makes me feel like a narcissist. But it's hurting me and i'm just sabotaging myself. I play out the negative scenarios in my head and all my thinking is overpowering and i become even more nervous the next time i see these people / persons because I am convinced that they think and feel the same way about me as I am in my own head. I just become so nervous in social situations that I can't be appropriate and fully myself. I feel that I need to impress, smile constantly and talk about myself and pretend to be interested in other people's conversations because of this social anxiety. I don't want to com across as a self-centred, boisterous, negative and messed up person but I always think that I do. It feels so obvious, I have always felt this way about myself since years and years ago. It's so destructive and then I become confused as to what is the right way to deal with these encounters and after-thoughts. My self-image and personality, the way I come across to others etc. seems to be such a huge part of my anxiety disorders..