New here

New to this board, just trying to find some support while I am going through a really rough time. I have been dealing with mental health issues for the past 10 years or so. Its nothing new to me. Been diagnosed with several disorders, but I'd say bipolar 2 is probably the most accurate diagnosis. But it hasn't been this severe in a long time and I honestly didn't see it coming. I was doing really well, I have had my lows every couple months or so but it always passes. So thats what I was expecting this time, but it isn't passing, its completely debilitated me. Going to see a psychiatrist next week because I think I need some kind of mood stabilizer, haven't been on meds for years and found some alternative things that helped me and its not something I ever thought I'd have to do. Thought it was under control. I have quite the history with medications, have been on most of them, it was hard to find anything to work for me. My desperation had led me to electro shock therapy which didn't help either. I've had a long history so this journey back to hopefully find a medication is a bit daunting and brings back a lot of old memories of me just not responding to anything, having horrible side effects, etc. I am hoping for the best but right now am at an extreme low, just feel completely devastated, mixed states of depression and anxiety. Trying to get through the weekend until I see psychiatrist but my head is just running with thoughts, I am not myself at all, can't really be alone, and its just crushing me. I have a type A perfectionist personality so that mixed up with all this is just a mess. Sure this post is a bit all over the place- but I guess that accurately depicts where my head is- all over the place.

[HopingCat]

I feel your pain. I have been stuck in this Dp/dr hell for over 3 months but let me tell you, you are going to get better. When this first started I was a hot mess. I couldn't even open my eyes because the dream feeling would send me straight to panic. Blocking so many panic attacks I got depression. Didn't get out of bed for about 2 weeks and lost so much weight. Until I eventually started forcing myself to do things.Even though I felt like pure hell and always ran to my bed if I felt that weird feeling coming. Now I am still stuck in dream land but I'm able to function. I still battle my brain every second of the day and think about depersonalization/derealization 24/7 but not I'm not crying about it. Right now I had to come to my bed and try not to freak out over the stupid fake feeling. We can't let this win. Try and force yourself to do things and you will see like me little by little it will get easier.

[Hidden in reply to HopingCat]

Yes I try to make myself do things but last night taking a shower was a huge feat. It bothered me so much that I struggled so much to do something that usually comes without a thought. I lost it crying hysterical, its very painful. It takes a lot of effort to do anything. This has been going on for a couple of weeks, I had to come to my moms house because I can't be alone, since its so hard to function for myself. I am coming off of a 3 month period where I felt like WOW I have such a handle on this. I felt confident to start looking for part time work again, thinking that I would be able to handle it. And then this came and was like NOPE. So I am just like what the hell happened? It just was a huge smack in the face. And now I know my strength and willpower and all the healthy stuff I try to do to keep this under control, I need some more support. Having this extreme wow things are going great to this massive fall, it just crushes my spirit.

[HopingCat in reply to Hidden]

Do you take any supplements? I take magnesium, omega cod fish oil, a good multi vitamin, and metafolin. It seems like it has helped me because like I said I was the hottest mess. And this also slapped me in the face hard. I never dealt with anxiety or depression and I was happy go lucky when this happened. I did have Dp/dr once when I was a teenager and it was traumatizing. I remember sufering for over a year and don't even remember how I snapped out of it. Now 18 years later I'm stuck. Do you have Dp/dr?

[Hidden in reply to HopingCat]

Yes I take a bunch of supplements. I haven't been great with taking them, so I know I should try to make them more routine. No I don't have Dp/dr (actually had to just google that to see what it stood for) haha. I think my main issue is that I am a perfectionist, like just always have been, so I put so so much pressure on myself. And so when depression or anxiety hits its like times 1000 because my personality does not sit well with it. Its very hard for me to accept. And in all my years of various treatments and what not, it was always said that I present atypically, a lot of my symptoms and the ways I explained them just baffled many medical professionals. So it was kind of like this guessing game with me and I felt like I needed to be fixed and nobody knew how. So I know that within me I have a lot of these unhealthy mental habits that are probably showing up. But in these recent years I really have taken so much more ownership over my health, realizing I am not completely powerless and there were things I could do for myself. I have become very self aware and have been really good at noticing when my thoughts were going in the wrong direction and I was able to intervene, and go to the gym to switch up my energies or get outside, something to not feed into it. But this episode, just kind of caught me off guard completely. And looking back at the last 3 months, I would say it was very hypomanic kind of behavior, I was super efficient, all felt ok with the world and like things were just right. And I didn't really see it as this because I work at my mental wellbeing every single day. So I think the intensity of this is just like a combination of the actual depression and anxiety and then just that I am traumatized that it happened and I didn't think I'd ever be in this darkness like this again. I felt so strong and its just like I put so much effort into my wellbeing, its like how is this happening! Really makes me feel very hopeless and unsure about how I am ever going to be able to move forward. I'm really just at the point of ENOUGH.