Broken person but fighting with all I have

I am a former police officer. I was falsely terminated by almost every rule in the book, but when the people in charge of your union or Department do not want to help, it only gets worse. Not only was I fired but I have been blocked from getting at least 4 other jobs that I know of. Fast forward 4 years and I have so many problems. My anxiety about being a failure has taken over my life. I'm on several anti-depressants which do not seem to help. I can only sleep when I have ambien. I feel like I'm a strong push away from the grave. What can a guy with no purpose do ? Help. Much more to say but I'll wait on that.

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  • I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. The people in the police dept. have too much power and if they want to use it they can abuse it horrendously and you have no recourse. My husband had trouble with a union steward as an electrical worker and I know what that did to him. Fortunately no blame could be fixed on him no matter how hard the company and the union wanted to try. You are simply less fortunate. And with those words rests your whole world.

    If you have to, you can be treated with anti-anxiety drugs called mild tranquilizers. Your doctor so far is trying to avoid them due to (1) the possibility of addiction and (2) the possibility of gaps in your short and long term memories years from now. Neither possibility is a fact, just a possibility. The mild tranquilizers will do the job needed and, frankly, the antidepressants often can't do the job but can be just as miserable to try to get off of as any tranquilizer that has been difficult to get off of.

    I personally have chosen to reduce mine in the last 11 months from 4 mg per day to 0.5 mg per day without a single problem or side effect. I don't consider that to be an addiction nor difficult to get off of. I do have gaps in my memories but my father does not and he's been on a mild tranquilizer for decades like myself. So it's very much different for each person. So will your getting off of your antidepressants be...very individual.

    Regarding sleeping. There are some commonly used drugs to help you sleep. Amitriptyline/Elavil and Seroquel/quetiapine are commonly used in small doses to help you sleep. They are antidepressants/antipsychotics but are very sleep inducing and in very small doses very useful for helping many people get to sleep without any significant side effects. It doesn't matter what their primary use was for putting them on the market originally because doctors have found them incredibly useful for helping people get to sleep without any further problems so they continue to be popular. These are not addicting drugs and the dose is so small you don't have to be concerned about getting off of them being a problem.

    By addressing your anxiety and lack of sleep, I hope you'll be feeling much better and more able to tackle your need for a purpose. Naturally you need a purpose but I'm at a loss on that one. I can definitely see you speaking around the country as a motivational speaker on what has happened to you and how you conquered the problem and what you went through, but you need the victorious ending to wrap it all up before you do that! Maybe you need to find God 1st and get a relationship with him and find that victory? I can't talk too much about that here out of deference to the rules about keeping politics and religion minimal or for private messages only.

    Take care and pm me if you want or just to vent. That's fine with me! I have my peace and venting to me won't shake it.

  • You've come to a good place to get started with help. Sorry I can't say any more just now, but believe me. This site and the people on it are amazing, really. Best wishes and we'll speak again another time. I had a friend in a situation similar to yours. Wendy 2016

  • Dear Rob, I'm new here & your post pulled @ my heart strings. I'm a wife of a firefighter & the comrodery we have w/ law enforcement is vital to the work. May I ask if you participated w/ your EAP program? The fire services employee assistance program helped me navigate through mental health professionals in getting a PTSD diagnosis. I hope your police department human resources guided you to help in providing all the resources available to the first responders our community heroes. I'm sad your Union didn't follow through w/their promise of standing by your side. I'm here for you brother,appreciate your sacrifice. It's time to give forward as it sounds like I understand I'm on a antidepressant/antianxiety Zoloft medication that's helped me w/ psychotherapy that I've recently completed. Ambien was my as needed tranquilizer for my nightmares. I didn't have flashbacks while on the medication but I had memory loss & couldn't function. I know that going through traumatic stress therapy is an experience I need to continue in healing my mind & soul from my past assault. Thank you for your service & God Bless you for your selfless duty! Please take rest tonight your not forgotten friend. I'm a night owl & available to talk as I'm making lunch for my kindergartener. ~Cherry

  • Thanks to everyone for your kind words and information. I can see I have a lot to process and think about. I am glad I came here for help. Thanks again!

  • Just read your post and wondering how things have been over the last three months? hopefully things have smoothed out for you :-)

  • The frustration builds up and you feel like there is no solution or answer to your situation. I always tell myself if something isn't working, try something else. I know being a police officer is your passion and what you've worked hard for. I think you need to find hobbies and other things you're great so you can find a new career path. People say it's normal to change careers at least 3 times in your life. Volunteering for a police department may be helpful to stay in that same community and you never know what the future may bring. Stay positive <3

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