I don't know where to start , i've never had a diary before because i never cared for feelings.
I guess i grew up in a abusive home , first 6 years i grew up subject to my fathers abuse the rest of those years i was subject to my mothers verbal and emotional abuse.
I spent most of my childhood teaching myself not to feel , anytime something good or bad would happen i would just be numb.
Not the many visits from CPS nor all the times i tried to kill myself or the time i was kidnapped and molested would tug at my feelings. I only wanted to end my life because i though it was a waste of time or so my 15 year old mind convinced me .
Despite all this chaos i met my prince charming at 18 , he would be the man of God i had always wanted . He was a couple of years older than me but man was he perfect in my eyes. As prince charming and i began dating our life was amazing and filled with God . For the first six months everything was perfect , all the shitty things that had happened to me in life were all worth it because in return i got my perfect guy . But soon he dropped a bomb my prince charming confided in me that two years prior he had been addicted to heroine but had had gotten clean and had now been sober for a year . At first as was shocked , it was so out of left field , I mean if you saw him and his family the last thing you would ever think is addiction ! Once the shock wore off a sense of admiration set it , this perfect prince who had the most amazing family had had his own demons and had defeated them . My prince became a king in my eyes !
One year into our relationship my king and i had everything going for us , we attended church all the time and planned on getting engaged . Eventually however as i turned 18 him and i all of a sudden wanted t experience more , we would rent hotel rooms and drink the night away ..at first .
Eventually our hotel rendezvous started to include some of his old buddies and eventually the alcohol was not enough so we smoked weed and the we snorted coke. this went on for a while until i began to feel uncomfortable and his we are young excuse just wasn't good enough for me . I began to ask him if we could go to church again and if we could stop partying , at first he played ball and acted like that was what he wanted all well. Eventually however i would come to find out that he would sneek out at night and do heroine.
Eventually after many failed attempts at getting him sober i convinced myself that if i maybe left him he would wake up and sober up . 3 days after i left him he overdosed - he recovered but i did not . I blamed myself , i should have never left him , i should have never agreed to the hotel parties , THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT.
In my eyes i had broken my prince charming and turned him into a beast....
Around the same time my prince turned beast overdosed my sister came back into my life . A sister whom thanks to our parents abuse had developed an angry relationship with drugs and alcohol. But heres the thing she came back into my life because she had hit rock bottom and wanted to get sober. Life allowed me to do the thing i had done all my life , i blocked completely the pain of loosing my prince charming and became determined to be happy so i could help save my only sister.
one year , 365 AA/NA meetings my sister and i worked on her sobriety , she wanted it so badly and the day she got her 1 year chip was the first time a truly cried because i felt happy.
Around this time a met a guy name Mark, mark was nothing like my prince charming and just like him in some ways. Mark partied alot but never seemed to abuse anything , he was always in control.
Mark was not sweet like my prince charming, he did not believe i was the prettiest girl in the world , and given the chance he would check out the waitress. He was not poetic, he was not romantic he was not a man of God.
However now that i was done blocking my feeling through my sisters sobriety i began to block my feelings by drinking with mark , we drank all the time the first few months. If there was a party , we were there. The best part of mark was that he never asked about my feelings like prince charming did , he never cared to know anything about me so i never had to face anything.
Eventually mark "Fell in love " with me , we made everything official and became boyfriend and girlfriend (No longer drinking sex buddies) .
The first month of being official i found his on tinder by accident because he was hitting on a girl he didn't know was my coworker , I forgave him because i was determined to make this relationship work . 3 months in i found out him and his friends went to a stripclub and did a bunch of coke the same night i was having family issues and needed his help, forgave him again because boys will be boys. 5 months in i found out he had spent the day at his exgirlfriends house , forgave him because he swore nothing happened . The last straw was 9 months in , i had been unable to sleep for weeks and when i did sleep i would wake up crying for no reason . I had begun feeling sad and feeling like i would never forget all the things he had done to me . I did something that was completely our of character for me , instead of shutting my feelings i called mark in and cried to him all day and told him everything , the childhood abuse , my prince turned beast , my addict sister, Everything. He seemed so sympathetic and sorry for all that he had put me through . I though i had finally confided in someone and that this open dialogue would help save our relationship . 1 Month late i found out her had been cheating on me since the day it told him about my life .
I was ruined , that day i moved out and moved in to a house with my sister . I moved out 3 months ago and today i am working on myself . Although i feel a huge amount of betrayal i am committed on working on myself.
I am allowing myself to feel everything , i know recognize i grew up with an abuse father and very narcissistic mother . I allowed mark to treat me that way for so long because i did not believe i deserved love , i believed that i had been responsible for my prince charmings addiction but that was something that was beyond my control.
I am trying to figure it all out , but someday's it seems like too much , i want to face everything because i don't want to end up like the very people who hurt me.
Please send any advice my way