So I'm back writing another post, I've been staying off the internet because I always end up checking my ex's profile. Recently I have been trying so hard to distract myself and stay positive but I can't deny that things are falling apart more than they ever have in a while. I miss my ex so much it's making me so sick and dead inside, my anger has been so so terrible and my outlook on things are just garbage. Everything is still reminding me of him and I keep having these thoughts of how happy he is without my depression dragging him down. I see other girls at the gym and work and I just think he would be all over them and kick me to the curb like everyone in my life has done. I thought he was different and I am still deeply in love with him. The nightmares of him won't go away but now there are demons and murdering in my dreams again, which hasn't happened for a while but they are back. I was going to move out of my house with my ex and live a happy life but now he is gone and won't even message me. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole and no one is there to help. On top of it my dad has been drinking fireball again, which he used to after my mom passed and he would be abusive mentally and physically. Now it is just mentally, like he will find a problem that I have done and attack me about it and attack others and how shitty they are, like he goes on calling sprees and yells about how shitty life is and than if they say something that he should change he attacks and screams at them. He has been a major alcoholic for 7 years now. I had cleaned the house for Christmas and now he made it a mess again. I could have gotten out of this environment and been happily living and in love with my ex but now he won't ever talk to me again, I am crumbling more and more and I have no one to help me just this website of course. I hate myself more than I ever had, I hate my life, my home, and I just want to escape it all at once. I'm always saying negative stuff on here so I am sorry but this is just how I feel forever now. And I am scared to get help because I know my dad will attack me on it and how I never get better mentally. He is also the one who contributed to my anxiety, depression, and gave me PTSD from the abuse he put me through after my mom passed. Last night I had one of the worst anxiety attacks in a while, I began sweating so much like my body was burning, I couldn't breath, and it felt like someone was pushing my body down with so much force that I couldn't move, all I could do was cry and try to breath.