Need help finding hope

[Jessica547]

So I'm back writing another post, I've been staying off the internet because I always end up checking my ex's profile. Recently I have been trying so hard to distract myself and stay positive but I can't deny that things are falling apart more than they ever have in a while. I miss my ex so much it's making me so sick and dead inside, my anger has been so so terrible and my outlook on things are just garbage. Everything is still reminding me of him and I keep having these thoughts of how happy he is without my depression dragging him down. I see other girls at the gym and work and I just think he would be all over them and kick me to the curb like everyone in my life has done. I thought he was different and I am still deeply in love with him. The nightmares of him won't go away but now there are demons and murdering in my dreams again, which hasn't happened for a while but they are back. I was going to move out of my house with my ex and live a happy life but now he is gone and won't even message me. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole and no one is there to help. On top of it my dad has been drinking fireball again, which he used to after my mom passed and he would be abusive mentally and physically. Now it is just mentally, like he will find a problem that I have done and attack me about it and attack others and how shitty they are, like he goes on calling sprees and yells about how shitty life is and than if they say something that he should change he attacks and screams at them. He has been a major alcoholic for 7 years now. I had cleaned the house for Christmas and now he made it a mess again. I could have gotten out of this environment and been happily living and in love with my ex but now he won't ever talk to me again, I am crumbling more and more and I have no one to help me just this website of course. I hate myself more than I ever had, I hate my life, my home, and I just want to escape it all at once. I'm always saying negative stuff on here so I am sorry but this is just how I feel forever now. And I am scared to get help because I know my dad will attack me on it and how I never get better mentally. He is also the one who contributed to my anxiety, depression, and gave me PTSD from the abuse he put me through after my mom passed. Last night I had one of the worst anxiety attacks in a while, I began sweating so much like my body was burning, I couldn't breath, and it felt like someone was pushing my body down with so much force that I couldn't move, all I could do was cry and try to breath.

[Bean94]

When my boyfriend of 3 years left me (5 years ago now) I have a breakdown. Really bad anxiety and depression nd I didn't leave the house for 8 months. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

I know it doesn't seem like it now but from personal experience, I just kept thinking "it can't get any worse, so it has to get better"

I went to the doctors, got councelling and medication to help with the depression and pills to calm the anxiety.

Living with your dad probably isn't helping, have you considered moving out? Let the doctor know he is concerning you and they can give you advice. You may be offered help by the council to get your own place. They may be able to find him help to get clean.

Going back to anxiety and depression, honestly it will get better. You probably feel like you are limiting yourself, and u don't want to live like this ect ect (I did) but it really does get better. Yes it takes time and help and support but you will do it ♡

[Jessica547 in reply to Bean94]

Thanks so much for the reply, it really opened my eyes like break ups with a love happen but life goes on, so I just keep reminding myself that I have so many years ahead of me why let my ex make me miserable and stop me from doing things. I would love to live at my own place but it is way to expensive in my state, so I will keep saving up money until I can find the right place. As for my dad he was put in hospitals back and forth but was released and refuses to get any kind of help for his addiction. Thanks so much for the advice and your strength for getting through that break up is inspiring me to get through this break up as well.

[Lexicox]

I know you wrote this over a week ago. I just wanted to check on you and see how you are coping. My heart broke for you as I understand what it's like to be left by someone you care about. When I was 18 (I'm 33 now) I got married to someone I thought I loved. He wasn't a horrible person but just not right for me... he ended up leaving me after a year of marriage. Back then I was a mess with horrible depression and anxiety and I married him thinking it would make me happier. (It didn't). It just made us both miserable. Anyway. I was single for quite some time after he left and worked on myself and my depression issues and ended up meeting my now husband (we have been married 6 years almost) and he stands right by my side through every bout of depression/anxiety/suicidal thought I have. So I guess what I'm saying is sometimes when people leave us, it's a blessing in disguise. I hope you are hanging in and taking things a day at a time. And I don't know you, but I do care. Keep hanging on. I've been in your shoes and still struggle daily, but there will be good times too.