The situation is...

[Voodoowhodo]

I just can't get it together. I feel that too much water has flowed under the bridge and the pile of rubble is too big. Adderall just seems to give me some energy, but it isn't helping me to remember things or to figure out where to start on something. Work work isn't a problem for me because it mostly consists of processes that I understand well and have worked with, or at least I've figured out how to skirt around the deficiencies in EF. It's when I come home to my empty house afterward that I'm frozen. I've been even more frozen since I found out that ADHD explains some things. I have, or had rather, big dreams for myself before reality hit. I suppose I don't feel like I can afford to dream. Certainly not as big.

Almost 5 years ago, my wife and two children lived here too. Just like my previous wife and two children, they made a surprise (to me), legally aided break from the relationship. And I mean ANY relationship at all with any of them. I allowed myself to be set up for it. Now knowing that I am disabled in this way, I can say that, knowingly or unknowingly, I was the one taken advantage of and abused. I didn't know about ADHD, so I can't expect them to have known either. However, regardless of my being a neurodivergent person, I've experienced Parental Alienation Syndrome now twice in my life. It continues to this day.

I've not seen or spoken to, not for a lack of effort, any one of my children. The youngest two, who left most recently, have ghosted me for 4 years. I was forced to have visitation with them for awhile with my father in law present although I had never spanked them even once in their lives. Suddenly one weekend, they refused to show up. Eventually I decided it best to give up using the path of legal means to get them back in my life. Spending close to $80K on divorce lawyers had only seemed to make things worse.

No body gives a fuck when a Dad is taken away from their children. Apparently, women can say anything and get an order of protection. I suppose men could make shit up and do it to their spouse as well if they had no shame. In my case, nobody gave a fuck when she cleaned out the house and moved them over 100 miles away, which isn't even legal in this State. They told me that I would have to prove the kids were somehow in danger from their mother to force her to bring them back. But I digress.

I guess the point of this is, now that I can say it's no wonder I haven't been able to have relationships with people because of ADHD, I have to figure out what needs to happen or to be different about me so I don't spend the rest of my life alone. What kind of relationship would not be too complicated for someone like me?

I have 5 children total who don't speak to me, not even on Christmas or New Years, or Thanksgiving. The bottom line is, even if were to be able to talk with them, I wouldn't know what to say to shed light on my disability. I keep thinking that, if I can't figure out how to dig myself out of this hole I'm in, such that I can move on with the next part of my life, whatever that looks like, it doesn't seem I will have much to live for. I'm really quite tired. I don't mean to be a downer. At this point, I'm truly alone in the physical space. As long as that's the case, I don't see a path forward out of this mess of a left-over life. At least not that I'm able to navigate right now. Ah, it is what it is! Rant over.

[funkymonkfred]

Aww brother am so sorry about this. We all deserve a chance to be heard. Im lucky my children although young, have a better understanding of ment health than I did at there age. Can you not go out in to the world and love and be loved by others still? This world can be so hard and cruel. You dont dsserve to be shunned unless you really causdd hurt and are unremoreseful (like MY parernal father) if my dad came back and said "hey I think I have the adhd like you son im sorry for going to the other side of the planet when you and your brothers where kids. What can I do to make it right?" Id give him anothet shot. Even through the hurt I would forgive with true remorese.

[Voodoowhodo in reply to funkymonkfred]

I certainly don't have any animosity toward my children. They had no choice in the matter at the time and I've been, apparently, too 'disabled' to get up the courage to try and approach any of them about anything.

Seeing my older kids would require me to first discover where they are and then just show up. No way to ask or announce. My youngest are 19 and 17 and I assume still live with their mom. If I knew where they lived, showing up there would no doubt be a shit show.

I become so dysregulated when confronting or confronted by adversity that I can barely communicate. Often times, I don't perceive that adversity even exists but for the sudden rush. My mind seems to shut off and only be able to experience the intense physical and emotional reactions that arise uncontrollably. Then whatever I'm feeling has such an affect that I am not able to regulate my tone or body language, even if I had prepared or could manage the right words. This doesn't give much credence to an intention to deescalate or heal.

I guess I've been chastised by others, and of course mostly myself, for so long that, what was a hesitation to initiate communication (especially with now needing ADHD self-advocacy) has become solidified as a strong fear of it.

I say I'm a believer in the saying 'the only thing to fear is fear itself'. I keep telling myself that I need help to become a knower instead. I don't know how to stop considering it probable that I would just make things worse. I wish that I could devise a plan. Any plan. To do any of the things I want.

But especially to feel like I could face the adversity, whether real or perceived, of physically approaching my children. I haven't been able to compose letters to any of them. I write them over and over again, failing to feel that I've sufficiently conveyed my love for them or what I could sincerely own as my part in whole thing. I saw myself as a good father. My intentions were and are good, but my disability certainly must have impacted them along with my marriage.

In the time at the beginning when I was still seeing them, my son asked me "Why did you beat up Mommy"? All I could say was that I didn't. Because I hadn't. Neither of them asked another question and I have no idea what they think or feel about anything since the last day we saw one another. I know they must love me and I know I love them. So it could be worse. It could always be worse. Right?