I’m not crazy…I’m just in crisis I think

[Chrysalis3]

I’m sitting here in Whole Foods after being kicked out of my home by my husband for “not caring” and the list of my shameful and disgusting behavior is too long to type.

To be honest I feel like a brown bear with a bunch of tape worms dragging out of its butt.

I feel so low and confused. I have always people watched since I was a kid and today as I sit here feeling like the worst mother and wife and human being I look at everyone and wonder if I could be them. Could I just get up and walk into their body? I want to run away.

I hate myself more because all I do is think in victim mode and sometimes actually all the time I struggle with the distinction of this is what I did and how I meant it versus this is what I did and what the person I did it to is telling me I did. How could I have hurt you in such a way when I was thinking about things in that way when I did it? It we can all struggle with that right? It’s all in honest communication and conveying what you meant and accepting what you made the person think and feel.

But what if you’re not believed and despite the person telling how you hurt them you still handle things the same way it hurt them.

example staying quiet after someone expresses their whole heart to you after you have hurt them and they don’t want to hear I’m sorry for the millionth time and all they want you to do is stop hurting them but you manage to be the worst version of yourself and royally screw up each time. How and where do you go from there.

I’m so lost and confused…

I just need for everything around me to calm down and for him to meet me half way. Is this realistic? Could it be that if things calmed down and we were more patient with eachother and really helping one another with all hands on deck and vulnerability out there and despite if you believe me or not you give me the benefit of the doubt and see how far ahead we move?

please tell me the truth be brutal …I need this community to talk to and I am sorry for the million post. I literally have no one to turn to NO One

[STEM_Dad]

Hi Chrysalis3 , we're here for you.

It definitely sounds like you're in crisis. You don't come across to me as otherwise.

~~~~~

It's been a few hours since your post. I hope that you are in a safe place.

From everything you've written, I can tell just what kind of person you are ... you're as human as the rest of us.

What you're hearing from your husband reminds me of what I would hear from my wife. Granted, I believe you have mentioned that he also has ADHD, while my ex functions very neurotypical (or even superhuman sometimes).

{She is variable, though; sometimes functioning worse that me. I suspect that she has a certain disorder, but that's irrelevant right now.}

If you can't go home, then do you have any friends or family members that you can go to? If not, then find the nearest women's shelter. (If you do not know where to get help, then you can go to the local hospital or police department. They will have information about local support. Tell them what you need to tell them, but don't make anything up, and know that they are obligated to make a record of what you tell them...so only tell them what you're ready for them to know.)

I've been through some difficult situations. But while I have been technically "homeless" a few times, I've been fortunate that I've always had somewhere to stay.

~~~~~

Back to how you are feeling, and how your husband is feeling, too.

One fact in life is that you are not responsible for what other people think and feel. Their thoughts and feelings are their own. They are responsible for their own response to their thoughts and feelings; they are also responsible for their response to others' words and actions

Another fact is that you are responsible for your own words and actions. Since thoughts and feelings can be reactionary or they can even be spontaneous, you aren't completely responsible for their formation...but you can determine what you do in response to them.

• You can react instinctively, or you can ignore them altogether...but those two extremes are often counterproductive.

• You can accept them as the feedback that they are, and examine them, and decide how to respond based on your best understanding. Sometimes you will need to respond in the moment, but sometimes you will need to respond later...when the time is right. (Opting to do nothing is also a response.)

React, Ignore, or Respond. Those are really the only options available to us. You might learn and grow even in spite of the first two, but it's less likely to happen. Since responding is intentional, you are also most able to learn and grow in the process.

~~~~~

You haven't given much detail about what you have been doing that is so bad, but I won't ask. This is a public forum, and you are entitled to your privacy. So, only share what you want to. I advise you not to share publicly anything that might be used against you.

I will say that in my mind there are just a few things that are so destructive that they should not take place between a couple or within a family. This is not a judgement on my part, just my observation and some of my opinion (and I'm not any more perfect than you, so I'll admit that I might be wrong, but here goes).

Here are the things that I believe to be destructive:

• Substance abuse

• Physical abuse (in any form)

• Psychological abuse (includes verbal abuse, manipulation, coercion, etc)

• Relationship abuse (e.g. cheating/being cheated on)

~~~~~

Things said in the heat of the moment are often a little bit of truth mixed with a lot of hurt, and sometimes a lot of perceived (or even imagined) other stuff.

You can only ever know what your own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and actions are...

...take what your husband says with a grain of salt, because he's probably reacting based on his emotions in the moment, and not responding from a position of love and self-reflection. That's what we humans do when we are hurting...we react, because we want the hurt to go away.

[Chrysalis3 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Hi STEM_Dad , he actually just let me back in about 30 mins ago. But per his words I better be prepared because since I’m not “taking things seriously” or taking my family obligations seriously he is going to do

“I am going to help you out. Tomorrow I will do something with permanent implications to prove to our reality to you. I will give you concrete evidence that we are done. This has to stop NOW!”

What I do:

1) I’m not financially responsible - which is true I struggle with this.

2) I don’t clean my home or act like I care about my home. I do care to clean very much but struggle with a clean plan what to do first and even getting started I just wing it.

3) I don’t care about cooking nutritious meals .i do care to cook but I struggle with ideas for breakfast, lunch and dinner I’m always doing quick meals. Believe me I have looked up a bunch of stuff and there are no true varieties out there. But I struggle to make meals that my husband is content with and to be honest that I’m fully content with

4) my communication is horrible and I am not forgot coming because when I do something wrong it gives me a stomach to even admit so due to the fight I anticipate and sometimes if I just told in myself it won’t have been a fight. So as a result , I’m not a reliable, honest, trustworthy, person. I’m considered manipulative, conniving, secretive, wants to get away with things.

5) I’m irresponsible with all tasks small and big. Important and not so important so I’m unreliable

6) I say I’m going to do something and don’t do it

7) I struggle with showing my husband respect and balancing out my relationship with my mother and my husband and prioritizing him

8) I don’t communicate I stay quiet and mask like I’m good and that oisses myself husband off because it seems like I don’t care and he genuinely believe I’m a cold Hearted person ( to out in nice terms)

The list goes on and I can write more later

[STEM_Dad in reply to Chrysalis3]

To be honest, from the points that you listed, I'm much the same way.I know that it hurt my marriage, being undiagnosed and untreated for so long. But my wife left for other reasons...she turned her heart away from me and towards someone else.

It sounds like your husband is using blame as a rationale, but as one relationship expert frequently teaches (from his 30+ years of helping people with their marriages), "people don't leave what they have, unless they think that what they're leaving for is better."

Based on that lesson, I wonder what your husband thinks he wants more. And since most men desire respect, what does he see as respect, or lack of respect?

[Chrysalis3 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for this message and you other messages. You bring up a very good point. Thank you for being neutral and reminding me to think in perspective . I’m going to dig deep and think about this.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Chrysalis3]

I hope things work out.

My wife threatened divorce a number of times, for various reasons. She only actually left because she fell in love with someone else.

We had a different core belief about marriage. I believe that is a life choice, that you make a commitment to that one person. She obviously believed otherwise.

I believe that you accept your partner's flaws, and work together to overcome or work around them. I would never bring up her faults in even our most heated disagreements, but she pointed mine out regularly (not all the time, but often). ...One of my 'flaws' is that I'm too agreeable and nonconfrontational, if that can be considered a flaw.