Trying to be a more consistent partner

[Firstmateangus]

I have been struggling with consistently showing my partner how I feel about them.

I think they are absolutely a joy to be with and around and they are the most beautiful person I’ve ever come in contact with, inside and out.

Coming up with things they would appreciate and subtle but impactful things are where I struggle. I reach out for contact and tell them I love them and try to surprise them with their favorite stuff when I can but there’s a few things over the years that I should’ve thought to do but didn’t until I was told about them and in hindsight many of them are obvious. The problem is when I have to be told to do something for my partner that I should’ve thought of on my own. The impact of the gesture is lost.

A recent example is someone made their character in a game look like their partner so that their partner could see themself through the others eyes. I thought it was sweet and showed my partner and we ended up discussing how it makes her feel bad that I don’t think of sweet things like that for her.

it makes me feel selfish and foolish because I do see where they’re coming from.

I just need advice on getting my thoughts and actions to line up more consistently. I want to make my partner feel from me what I feel.

[Gettingittogether]

You might just not be someone who is good at coming up with ideas that your partner likes.

Answer: talk to other people. Find a friend or two or a relative or a sister or a brother and start tapping their brain for ideas! Over time you'll get better at developing the gift ideas on your own.

Also, just spend a few minutes here and there thinking about what she would like. This is tricky because with ADHD, you can go on tangents and get lost in perfectionism and complexity.

What woman do you know that you can talk to about this? A sister, cousin, aunt, coworker, someone who knows her. But actually even someone who doesn't know her might be good at coaching you through ideas.

This is not the same, but I'm just terrible at arranging space inside a house. That's in addition to struggling to keep the space neat and organized. Just coming up with a good spatial arrangement of furniture and so on--really my brain comes up with nothing.

Well I gave up. Instead, I consult a buddy of mine who has amazing design skills. And I basically just followed his suggestions with only a few small changes. OMG, finding colors that work with each other--omg, I am terrible at that. Awful. My buddy: comes to him easiest as pie.

[Fin12345]

You have not said, but I assume that you have ADHD? Since my son was diagnosed with ADHD ( primarily in attention type, but with impulsivity), I realized that my husband has ADHD too.

You have not provided enough information about your age, length of time in this relationship, etc for a helpful response to be provided Can you provide more information?

[Firstmateangus in reply to Fin12345]

I do not have an official diagnosis but due to symptoms and my mother and younger brother having a diagnosis. I am certain of it. My brother presents more hyperactive and impulsive whereas my mother and I both struggle with memory and focus more.

To answer the other questions we are both 28 and have been together 11 years. Married for 9

[Mamamichl]

You may want to read the book about love languages with her and figure out what each of yours are. Then you have an idea if work or items, etc. are better for her. We read it as an audiobook and paused periodically to discuss. However, adhd can get in the way of auditory processing for some people. Then you can sit down and write some ideas you think she would like. You then can go to the list when you don’t know what to do, or you can even schedule out once a month to do something for her.

One of my love languages is physical touch. My partner knows this and makes sure he holds me or gives me a basic back or foot massage each day. He thrives on acts of kindness. This week, I woke him up with a song and dance (calm one), and I made coffee for him. These aren’t major things, but it’s what makes the other feel loved on the regular.

If your lady is wanting something more elaborate, sit and talk about the things that made her jealous. Explain that she needs to make a wish list that is shared with you. I have a whole Amazon wish list, and my partner chooses an item or two off that list to get me for birthday/Christmas. It seems she wants you to be more thoughtful and spontaneous for presents, but that is quite hard for people with adhd sometimes, because of the theory out of sight out of mind.

[doghome]

I get what you are feeling, Im the one on the receiving side of what you described and your quote of " The problem is when I have to be told to do something for my partner that I should’ve thought of on my own. The impact of the gesture is lost." hit home exactly for me! We went thru that for years before his diagnosis and it used to frustrate me, we tried learning each others love languages, but for him he said he didnt know how or when to do them. He was frustrated that I was not seeing how much he loved me, he wanted to get that across to me so bad, like you said. So fast forward to now after diagnosis and meds, he still struggles and while he may not do it just how I would of preferred, I have learned (still learning) how to appreciate his efforts and I can openly tell him things "that would be nice" sometime and he now writes them down for later use. Its helped alot, mainly its me being more appreciative and understanding him as well. This is after 25 years of marriage, so still learning about each other 😃

[Firstmateangus in reply to doghome]

This is extremely helpful. We share the love language of food and she has very much adapted to my love language of touch. She has made so much time for my interests and hobbies but I struggle to make the time for hers. I think organizing my thoughts and making a few lists like games she’s wanted me to play, shows to watch, gifts to give. We have access to each others wishlists on Amazon and so I’ll be trying to get her something From that wishlist as often as I can. But keeping the lists in reach while focusing on one item at a time

[doghome in reply to Firstmateangus]

Hes gotten to the point he carries a small notebook, smaller than a cellphone, in his pocket now, when ideas or thoughts for him come up. We are old school and like the paper and pen method, but Im sure there are more techy ways to do the same 😃