talking through my feelings…

[Chrysalis3]

1) you are what you repeatedly do

2) your actions reflect what is in your heart

How do I reconcile these comments with actions like.

1) staying quite when your spouse confronts you repeatedly/constantly for all

Of your selfish actions. That possible cause hardships or discomfort for the other people you live with

2) constantly apologizing for mistakes and repeating the same mistakes . When you genuinely forget or get distracted and sometimes can’t help the mistakes .

The response is you act like something is controlling you like you have no control . You make your choices and these are the choices you are making, willfully and knowingly and purposely.

3) promising to make changes you never keep. Thinking I could do it but when it comes to it I’m just looping the same toxic cycle always trying to catch up with myself . While I have a spouse that reminds everyday what a mistake he made in marrying me . And that One day when he leaves I will see someone else being a mother to my child and a wife to my husband.

4) when you apologize it’s disrespectful you apologize and say sorry and keep it going and don’t mention it again. I apologize and walk away because to remain in that space of shame and embarrassment makes me feel worthless and your constant emphasis on my failures and never letting things go loom over me and I just want to get out. On top of that I never learned as a child to have those healthy conversations that discomfort makes me want to run. I know it’s wrong and I am grown but why can’t you see that and not ostracize me and allow me to grow into that comfort. The more you loom over me that more I feel extremely unloved and not worth anything.

This parent child marriage is ripping us apart.

I know I have so much to work on and you are fighting to be the husband and get us all on the right track and care for us . I’m sorry for being this burden on you and for causing you to stress and feel so much pain. I love you and I know a lot of the reason you dissect every single step I take is because you can’t trust me and you are afraid of my random decisions but I promise if you speak to me , help me where I need the help and not judge me or disregard my request and give me some space I can be everything and more than what you can imagine.

[Mamamichl]

your home should be a place you feel safe in. Maybe read the holderness family’s book “ADHD is awesome”. This helps my family understand our ADHD’s and make adjustments appropriately. It does suck having rsd, and my ex always made me feel like I was overreacting. I left him after 10 years and have been with my current partner 13 years. At first, our pride got in the way, but when we stopped trying to control the other, we opened up and talked.

I still feel this way at work, but it took a lot of bravery to leave my ex, and it has been beneficial. Not saying that is what you should do, but you shouldn’t hate yourself for what you can’t control