How do you explain to a spouse that you care when your actions say otherwise?

[Chrysalis3]

how do you explain you care when your actions say otherwise?

this is a small example and probably a horrible one but at every turn i’m looked at as a selfish, self-centered, spoiled brat, an ingrid and the list can go for a while…

i left a shower head facing the entrance to the shower . i wasn’t thinking i just put it back after bathing my child. next morning i go in , turn the shower on and soak my face and the top of my shirt. i screamed because i was surprised to have to water spray right at me.

i bathed my daughter then put the shower head the same way i did the night before (facing the door to the entrance of the shower) husband now goes to shower and i’m not sure what happened but when he comes out he says look what you did…so you either don’t give a crap and put the shower head like you did even after you got sprayed OR you did it on purpose so it could spray in my face a a a payback because i showed no concern for the water that sprayed in your face. Either way both are bad and you’re evil and are extremely selfish.

i don’t understand how someone doesn’t learn the first time.

how do i explain that i did not do it as a payback and i did not do it on purpose. i just honestly quickly put it back because i was stressed already with bathing our daughter and trying to get ready.

this is only part 1…i will post part 2 another time .

i’m beyond sad 😔 this just feel horrible

[Choya526]

I totally see myself doing something like that. Right after I got sprayed in the face, I'd silently bitch myself out, firmly resolve to not do that again, and then forget and do it again. ADHD isn't simply a deficit in attention, you can also say it's more like you have too much attention going on & you get overwhelmed. The worse thing about ADHD is that people don't understand, and you're left feeling all kinds of bad about yourself. When you start to believe how other's see you and how they treat you, you can't move forward. It's called shame and it is undeserved. I don't have the answer to your question exactly, but you might try finding a really good video (I like MedCircle on youtube but there's a ton out there), one that he might be open to watching with you, that can show him, and convince him what you're dealing with. In your post, I noticed words like "selfish", "evil". These words are name-calling. You don't do that you those you love, or to yourself. What's a little water in the face? Can't HE look before turning on the water? I hope this was a little bit helpful. Keep me posted if you decide to do that and how it goes. All the best to you.

[Mamamichl]

I totally get this. How old is the daughter? If she’s old enough to speak, see if she can help you remember/remind you to move it back. I had my kid doing this at 2! Have you tried moving the shower head towards the wall instead? It keeps it from spraying you but it’s still away from the bathing experience.

The best way to explain it is that you’ve forgotten it even before he got sprayed. Explain the reason you change it in the first place and that you’ve even sprayed yourself. Apologize sincerely, and say you will try to be more vigilant. Give a few ideas on how you can remember (water proof sign that says put back shower in the bath or one on the mirror), or if daughter can help. Give ideas to solutions to try and better help yourself and voice these ideas to him. Then ask if he has any other ideas to help.

[CloudsAreLovely]

I would tell the hubby to check the shower head before he turns the water on. It's really not that hard to do. We have different people in the house that like the shower head a certain way. He can participate in his own happiness if it means adjusting something himself. It sounds like he searches for reasons to be mad at you.

[Tormented555]

That's totally something I would do. My default to anyone who gives me a hard time is "Well, I'm an idiot, what do expect?" I'm not sure I recommend that approach, because then your level of self esteem becomes set at "I'm an idiot".. I relate to making those kinds of mistakes, but I don't have anyone giving me a hard time about it, except me.. which is worse? I don't know

[sqirlgrl]

My situation is the same but the exact opposite roles. I (without ADHD) would accidently do that, spray myself, in haste of being sprayed put the dang thing back exactly the way it sprayed me to begin with. Laughing at my own mistake, I would share with him (with ADHD) what I just did by mistake, he would instantly tell me how stupid I was, why am I wasting his time telling him the story, he's overwhelmed with his own thoughts because of his ADHD without having to deal with my problems. Then... next day... go in to shower, and he would ACCIDENTLY get sprayed in the face... 2 HOURS OR MORE of screaming at me later how I did that on purpose out of spite, that he is the one with ADHD and me knowing being sprayed would trigger him, either I'm... every name in the book, flat out don't care about him or his mental issue, and I just proved it by being too stupid to go check the shower head to make sure it didn't happen to him. I'm trying to understand, but I don't! If I make a mistake and admit to it... according to him, I did it to him on purpose to take advantage of his ADHD. He makes a mistake, and I'm supposed to FIX it immediately cause he has ADHD. I'm having difficulty understanding that all of his behaviors and reactions are because of ADHD. Please, let me know if this is actually part of it or not.

[Chrysalis3 in reply to sqirlgrl]

i’m sorry you’re going through this. it’s really rough…i don’t know what it is that he’s thinking and it would help if he expressed himself more gently and not blame you so much. a sense of humor goes a long way. yeah he’s busy with things he has to think about and manage but what gets you closer to eachother is being each others best friend where you could call eachother for any and everything no matter how “stupid” or “silly”

[sqirlgrl in reply to Chrysalis3]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not allowed to show or express emotions cause according to him, that triggers his ADHD and according to him since HE'S the one that has the ADHD only HIS emotions matter. So if I'm upset or overly excited about something, then I don't care about him cause I know he's going to feel it stronger because of his ADHD so I shouldn't do that. So I sit here after 19 years, NOT talking, don't dare have any facial expressions, supposed to listen to him for HOURS and do not EVER show or express anything pro or con to set him off, and don't ask questions even if I don't understand something he is talking about (like the parts to a carburetor he couldn't find 35 years ago) cause in his mind that's the same as me calling him stupid or I wouldn't have any questions. NORMAL question from someone without ADHD... Ok? I hear you, but I don't know that I'm understanding why or what I'm supposed to respond to or comprehend about a part you couldn't find 35 years ago. Am I missing something or are you just telling me the story?

I'm struggling with being the one WITHOUT the ADHD and annoyed that I'm the only one trying to understand it, deal with it, NOT trigger it. I say "good morning" and numerous times I've been told not to come at him like that with such aggression first thing in the morning and trigger him. I explain, we were making coffee, I said good morning. Please explain to me how that triggered you so I can understand? And that is how the HOURS long rants start. I stay calm, I remind myself that it's HIS brain, translating me incorrectly but HOURS AND HOURS of being screamed at how I shouldn't have so much difficulty understanding HIS ADHD, I don't care about him, I need to LEARN, I need to change my ways, etc. I just want to crawl in a cave and disappear. Then randomly, after lecturing me at the top of his lungs, calling me every name in the book for saying "good morning" HE DOES APOLOGIZE, "I'm sorry, you have to understand it's my ADHD that makes me act that way and say those horrible things, you just don't get it! See, now I feel terrible, worse than you do".

I'm TRYING to get it... I DON'T! So... I don't say ANYTHING in the morning... same thing... "I need affection, you don't even say good morning, you just sit there silent, you know THAT'S going to trigger my ADHD cause you are being childish and messing with my mental state on purpose"! I can't win for losing, can someone WITH ADHD explain this to me cause I'm obviously failing at understanding and don't know if I can live like this.