My perspective about people is that we each are a unique blend of things... some things that cannot be changed, some that can change a little, and some that can change a lot.
On my drive in to work this morning, I was listening to a podcast. Specifically, it was the "No stupid questions" podcast, episode 205, titled "Where do values come from?" In that episode, Angela* said, "values are more stable than personality." (It was clear from the context that by saying "more stable", she meant "less prone to change".)
• Note: earlier this year, the podcast had multiple episodes on personality and personality traits. So, that statement was a bit of a nod back to those, I think.
That statement about values and personality made me reflect on how we are each made up of so many things, and how those different parts affect each other.
ADHD is based on neurology, which is biology of the nervous system. It's a physical condition, not a psychological condition. But, ADHD has at least some influence on personality.
Values (as mentioned in the podcast) also affect personality. Experiences and upbringing affect values and personality. But personality influences behavior. Behavior affects outcomes. Outcomes contribute to experience. (That's a feedback loop, btw: experience -> psychology -> behavior -> experience.)
You are also an intelligent, sentient being. You are capable of analyzing things, forming thoughts and ideas, choosing what to pursue and what you ignore (i.e. attraction and avoidance). You can choose what interests you have (at least, you have some choice over developing interests...with ADHD, sometimes it seems like interests choose us). You can choose how much time, effort and resources you put into your interests.
So, the short of it is that you are more than your ADHD...so much more!
It is a fact that ADHD affects every aspect of your life. You cannot remove it, you cannot avoid it. But you can realize that you are in the pilot's seat...while ADHD might be the poorly responsive control stick. It might make it harder to steer the plane, but you're still the one setting the course, reading the map and the instruments, and working the controls.
~~~~~
I just realized that a plane analogy works for ADHD, because:
• Taking off and landing are the most difficult things to do
• A bit of turbulence can make for a really bumpy ride, and then we might have to get our bearings again
• We are often "flying by the seat of [our] pants"
• Sometimes we're just flying on autopilot
• And...it's complicated
~~~~~
* Angela Duckworth, PhD, is an academic faculty member and researcher; she is famous for her book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance"
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in grad school, there was significant focus on values. there is an overwhelming buzz in society right now about how we “ should” treat one another etc etc. which is kinda backwards bc not even the most powerful legislation or law can mandate morality. and so when that fails, legislation n policies roll out that try to manage peoples “ behaviors” which is much easier bc that is quantitative and measurable, yet..,, things in society still dont change. so then in comes the theory of checking our “ unconscious biases” lol, lol
and you said it best- its really a matter of our personal “ value” system and our personalities n behaviors are definitely n majority highly informed by our personal value system.
when i initially explored my own values it was so surface n seemed foreign to me even! and thats way strange bc as u know- ive been in the behavioral health social service field for over 25 years!!!
value work n defining them understanding them, has been very instrumental and one of the most pivotal points in managing my adhd!
when im unhinged n my adhd is steering the plane vs me….. its very possible that the reason is that something is rubbing my value system the wrong way. prob 7 out of 10 chance. its like im no longer the pilot of my plane n instead i morphed into captain of a sinking boat.
im so happy that u posted this! its not the typical post here!! lol
with an adhd diagnosis, its layers n layers of unpacking big emotions especially if late diagnosed! i think we spend alot of time ruminating in feelings and learning “ skills” which is useful and esp bc adhd tends to come with trauma in our past- or somehow someone elses trauma gets in our path or both lol.
for me, the self help adhd books n podcasts that we both know very well, CBT, DBT, and understanding my foundational values was the winning combo for me managing my adhd without feeling exhausted.
You used the term "foundational values", and I think that's probably what I think of as "core values". Those would be the ones that underpin everything else.
People also talk about values in certain contexts:
• Family values
• Faith-based/religious values
• Social/societal/national values
• Professional ethics
I've found that sometimes I have to pause and examine my thoughts and feelings on things, when I'm experiencing internal conflict. As a result, I know that over the years I've changed my views on things... becoming more firm of my convictions on certain things, but becoming much more broadly accepting of other things.
Some views that I used to have, I realized weren't my own views at all. They were someone else's, that I had picked up along the way. In some cases, I've found they line up completely with my core values. When they differ, sometimes I adapt them so that they line up with my core values. But when I can't resolve the difficulties, I cast them off, because they don't fit me.
It's like a refining process.
I just wish life challenges didn't have to be so difficult, in order for my to grow as much as I have...but if I hadn't endured so much, would I have been able to grow as much as I had? (Does the tree grow strong without the wind pushing it in different directions?)
great philosophical question about why the tree grows strong!
the pressure of the wind in the right amounts helps the tree go strong.
but if a wind storm hits a young tree before its roots are somewhat grounded- then the tree will likely die or always struggle.
i think the difference from trees who thrive despite experiencing strong winds before they were rooted is that those trees were the kind that are naturally more resilient in first place.
Yes, like some kinds of trees, some people are naturally more resilient.
Other kinds of trees need other trees nearby them to thrive. Redwoods are strongest when their roots intertwine with their neighbors. They help each other to withstand high winds and floods.
Similarly, many of us need support, community, and connection to thrive.
This post of yours is extremely helpful to me. Thank you very much for sharing it. I have saved it so I can read it again at another point in time. Peace👍
Ever since my diagnosis, I have had to remind myself multiple times that I am a lot more than just my ADHD. So, I felt that it was important to share this.
Very well stated. There are other factors that influence our personalities/learning issues. That can be society, neighbours, friends, and family. As I was growing up I would hear whispers of how certain people treated others in their family. One person would constantly say hurtful things about their own son. Causing some issues with self esteem. I was would hear that I would never be treated that way so not to worry about it. Ironically, when I was 15 (and to this day) there have been plenty of times that certain people would say that I was worthless, fat, brainless, who would hirer a fat cow like me, what successful person would ever want to hang out with me, etc. That's the same person that told me that I would never be mistreated in anyway. The irony!!!!! I have ab older brother who was allowed to choose what field of study he wanted/was interested in pursuing. I was persuaded (and in a way pressured not to an extreme extent though) to get a degree in Early Childhood Education. It's not that I regret getting the degree. I love kids. It's just that I wasn't allowed to get a masters degree which then I was be able to actually teach. I'm just an aide/assistant. What I usually do is help the teacher(s) in their class with certain students, cafeteria behavior monitor, and do all the photo copies. To me (honestly speaking here) that's not fulfilling. It's not a job that earn enough money to help you be financially independent. Not at all. Not even close. My brother is normal. He has no learning issue at all. He got to study in the field of finance. I wanted to study theatre. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be talkative, social, inspire people to love others regardless of learning ability, etc. But, because I'm a girl and have 3 disabilities, I wasn't allowed to study theatre. There are times that I feel that my family is ashamed that I was born with a learning issue. That I'm not worthy of respect (especially at that level that people get when they're acting, etc). It's too late for me. I'm 43 and my parents are on a fixed income/retired. So, they can't afford to pay for any other college experience. I'll never make enough money to pay for a degree that can open opportunities for me to find jobs that actually make money. Teaching doesn't make that much money. In fact, the education industry is loosing quality teachers because of low pay, low benefits, lack of going up the ladder (meaning offered a hire position), respect, a social life (at least some teachers say this), etc. And people wonder (especially in the usa) why their kids aren't getting/reciving quality education). This is why. I honestly think that instead of lawyers getting paid thousands of dollar a year (some in the usa live in huge mansions) that teachers should be the ones being paid over $200.000's dollars a year. In some states the starting pay for teachers is about 50 or 60 thousand a year. In Miami, (at least I think) it'll be very difficult to find a house that was build using top quality building materials that less then 50 thousand dollars. Very difficult. Especially if you want to live near the city where there is a huge social live.
When I was a kid, I was interested in both science and art, but I had lots of ideas of things that I wanted to be when I grew up. But starting when it came time for me to pick a career to do a report on in 5th grade, my parents were pushing me towards engineering and away from art. (It was mostly my mom pushing me that way. Both of my grampas were engineers and had good careers, while my aunt with the Art degree struggled for many years before finding a degree in her field.)• My parents were very loving and encouraging in most respects. (They even let me move back in with them for a little while after my divorce.) They didn't seem to try to influence either my older or younger brother in their career direction, like they did with me. ... Maybe they implicitly recognized my ADHD and thought that I needed more guidance.
I ended up studying computers in college (after changing my major a few times), but the programming classes kicked my butt. So, I didn't graduate.
Even though I was a "gifted" student in K-12 school, my academic "gifts" didn't help me in college. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD as a kid because I was too "smart". Yeah, but I also had all the signs of Inattentive ADHD. (Nobody knew that I was constantly finishing my homework assignments in the last 10 minutes before class in Junior High and High School.)
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