Hi guys, at the ripe old age of 41 I’ve given a lot of thought over the past 18 months to reaching out for assessment of possible ADHD. I just wanted to connect with people who are going through, or have gone through the process. I done the same when I began the autism assessment process for one of my sons (he was diagnosed at 4 years old) I suppose while I waited I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t imagining it or losing my mind.
There are so many things that scream it to me and in hindsight, it would explain a lot of things throughout my life. A diagnosis wouldn’t change a thing for me really, it would just maybe stop me beating myself up wondering why I am the way I am and do the things I do, and maybe flip a lot of negative self-talk on it’s head too.
This is my first post here and I’m not even sure what response I’m hoping for, and I haven’t even posted what I wanted to say but that’s typical me and I’m aware that I’m wittering on so I’ll stop now and hope to hear back from some of you guys 🙂
41 here too. Do it, I've been re-diagnosed with it after supposedly "growing out of it" as a kid and a lot of things about me that have made me feel like I can't belong anywhere have finally clicked in my brain. Treatment can be rough and take some time but I think it would help you feel comfortable as yourself.
I feel like the thing that spurring me on is I’m noticing traits in my other 2 sons (I have 3 and as I said one of whom has autism) and I find myself getting annoyed at the things they do and don’t do, whilst they’re the same things I get frustrated with myself for if that makes sense?
They’re growing up and if it’s a thing for me and maybe possibly a thing for them, I want to be armed with knowledge so I can help guide them through life a bit and maybe make it easier for them.
I don’t want them to be like me if they can help it. I miss appointments (on all our behalf’s), I’m late for everything should it be 8am or 8pm, I’m still late. I’ve started endless qualifications and completed them to maybe 95% and left them at that so have nothing to show for them. Sabotage relationships. My mother said to me recently ‘how can you text someone and forget about them 5mins later?’ That sums me up right there lol
Then because I’m not diagnosed with anything I think maybe I’m imagining all this and I’m just a shit person in general 🙃
That does make sense. Sometimes seeing something in other peoples' actions that you see in yourself can be really...I guess upsetting or distressing? It can be a good shift on perspective but at the same time really make you overthink your own actions. Personally I try to take the information from the experience instead of the emotion of feeling bad about your own issues. I fail a lot. Haha. Youre an awesome parent for doing your best to make things better for your kids. I hope you manage to find someone great that can help you with the organization and timeliness stuff.
Time blindness, object impermanence, and poor working memory are all classic ADHD symptoms. I get it, and I know that it’s hard not to, but please don’t beat yourself up for symptoms of a condition that you have.
For as long as I remember I’d always put these things down to being on my own with the 3 kids while working and trying to run a house, like a constant state of overwhelm and having a busy head because of these things. But I’ve been thinking outside the box for quite a while now and it’s making a lot more sense to me.
My anxiety and depression I think stemmed a lot from me feeling like I was a shitty person - a shit mum, a shit employee, a shit friend and a shit wife. I just felt like I was useless at everything and wanted to run away from my life.
My manager at the time in hindsight called me in to try help relieve me of some of the overwhelm coz she could see it, but to me she called me in and was implying that I was crap at my job and not fit to do it which left me very defensive (not a nice trait) and in terms of being a mum I always felt so guilty that I wasn’t giving the 3 of them enough or equal time and was letting them down. With friends I stayed connected through group chats but always cancelled plans or disappeared until events and occasions passed then came out from behind the curtain again.
After time and therapy thank god I don’t feel as strongly about being such a shit person, but still at times feel I should and could do better. It’s a vicious circle isn’t it 🙂
Well, diagnosed or not, this is a good community to be in.
I got my own diagnosis just a few years ago, and the moment I did, I felt like my whole life finally made sense!
I don't know how the diagnostic process goes in the UK. Over here in the US, I recommend to people that they journal about everything they can think of that are examples of ADHD, struggles in both childhood and as an adult.
Thank you so much for the welcome 🙂 would you believe I just ordered a journal from Amazon today to do exactly that and I’ve been thinking all day of all the things I would write down and now I’m wishing I had even started noting them because I don’t want to forget.
The diagnosis process here I’m finding out is quite drawn out in terms of waiting times, but you can go privately for an assessment and it’s costs £1000.
If you don’t mind me asking, what made you delve into a diagnosis? Was it curiosity or did something happen that made you feel you needed to know?
The short answer: because I already scheduled appointments with a counselor for anxiety treatment.
The full answer is that there were a lot of factors that contributed to my decision:
I had been struggling for 30 years and had tried everything else I could think of, including...
• All sorts of books and audio tapes and videos and trainings for improving memory, time management, and productivity but they didn't work
• Various vitamins and supplements, with little improvement
• Lots and lots of prayers
I had also worked for several years with some great coworkers who were each open about having ADHD, and I saw that they had similar issues to my own, except that they didn't struggle as much as me. The difference was that they knew they had ADHD and took medication for it, which helped them to function better. Seeing my similarities to them was the beginning of a multi-year preparation for me to pursue my diagnosis.
One of the most recent training programs that I had taken before my diagnosis was developed by a business professional who said that he had to create his own productivity system because he has "off the charts ADHD". He also described having dealt with similar struggles to my own.
.....
Still, even though I suspected that I had some sort of issues, I wasn't willing to accept that I had ADHD. I thought that I was neurotypical, with some struggles.
Then, I wound up in a difficult job situation with a difficult boss for 3 years. I finally got a better job and a manager who I had a much better working relationship with. Yet, the anxiety from my previous job came with me. I knew that I needed to get help, so I scheduled counseling for the anxiety.
In checking the counselor's webpage, I discovered that she also treated ADHD. I was finally willing to consider that I have ADHD, so I asked her if she would treat my anxiety and evaluate me for ADHD. Towards the end of our time together (8 sessions spread over 10 weeks), she gave me my diagnosis. The very next week, at an appointment with my doctor, he confirmed the diagnosis (after reading the counselor's evaluation and having me take an ADHD evaluation test on his computer).
I also believe that a formal assessment would give you answers/shed light on all of the things you've been wondering about.
I was diagnosed in my early 50s and it has provided so many answers to things I've wondered about over the years. It certainly eliminated a lot of my negative self talk, too. As a matter of fact, by being able to put a label on it, I've capitalized on methods to better navigate my world and take better advantage of my time.
It's actually a relief. ...and even if your assessment results aren't indicative/positive, at least there's one more thing to rule out
PS when I mentioned its a relief, I just meant it's a relief knowing. It means we're one step closer to managing [it] and about a millions steps farther away from flooding our thoughts with negative self talk!
I totally get what you mean by relief though, no need to explain 😊 I’ve beaten myself so many times over my disorganisation, forgetfulness and what seems to others to be careless, and the effect that it’s had on me personally and my close family.
My kids have never forgiven me for sending them into school dresses up for world book day when it wasn’t even world book day 🙈 I would have swore down that I read the date on the letter that came home, but I obviously didn’t. Again, very typical of me. Needless to say since then they’ve asked me to check, double check and triple check anything that comes up, and I don’t blame them.
I had some sort of breakdown back in 2017 and was diagnosed and treated for depression and an anxiety disorder. Went on meds and the doctor referred me for therapy. I’m hindsight I’m wondering how much my negative self-talk had an impact on this breakdown. There were other factors also but I always blamed the other factors, and now I’ve done some inner work I’m thinking me myself had the biggest part to play in it other than just external factors.
Thank you so much for your reply and taking the time 😊
Does a dr telling you what you think you have somehow make it much more official and real? This is like you don't trust yourself at all & so need the Dr to tell you what you already know about yourself. If you like going to Drs and want to try meds then do it. Otherwise I see no point. The way they diagnose is just going thru some questions. There's no actual marker they can test for.
Not even that it makes it real because I know I’m my heart that it has to be - it was the same with my son going through his autism diagnosis. I knew it but everyone kept telling me I was imagining it, boys are slower than girls, he was (my twins) were premature so it’s gonna take him a while to catch up…..but I just knew it. I done the same then what I’m doing now, I joined a support group til he got diagnosed and doing that reassured me that I wasn’t losing my mind.
The thing is for me, and it probably shouldn’t even be a thing, is when I express it to others, the first question they ask is have you been diagnosed? So it feel like I’m some sorta fake or phoney by being open about it without the diagnosis.
I work alongside some mental health nurses who laughed when I asked them did it ever cross their mind that I had adhd - 100% you do was their response. And I’m also in a new relationship the last few months with a man who was diagnosed when he was 11, and he said it was one of the first things he noticed about me. It sounds mad but I take some comfort from people validating what I feel to be true. And you know what, me and him get on like a house on fire which is a first for me. The things that seemed to bother people in other relationships don’t phase him at all, he just gets it. It’s like a breath of fresh air to me.
I could have answered that question in much shorter terms, sorry. You’re right in what you say, why should I need a doctor to screen me with generic questions really - maybe just to prove my point to any naysayers.
Thx for adding more details. The new partner sounds lovely. I get it you'd like the official diagnosis to shut up the naysayers and feel more confident. But these ppl are not you - they don't have a clue what it's like and are ignorant. Do you really need validation from ignorant people? Of course it's up to you. Best wishes on what you decide.
You’ve just given me new perspective. You’re right, I know me and I trust myself. I just forgot that for a minute. Going back to your first comment - no I’m not a fan of going to the doctors or meds, so as you say what’s the point. I’ve weaned myself off my depression and anxiety meds 18months ago and feel like I’m doing fine without them. And being honest if I was offered new meds for a diagnosis I wouldn’t even take them.
I know myself and I know what it’s like to be me. Other people don’t have to know.
You're welcome! And you are free to change your mind at any time in the future & try meds & see how it goes. You haven't let yourself down or failed or given up on yourself - no shame at all seeing a Dr - you have the freedom to try different strategies. I think having ppl close to you who understand & are supportive is huge. Really huge. It's so much harder trying to deal with this on your own. Best wishes!
I said I had ADHD at 41 when the structure fell out of a job I had been doing very well with. After a year of struggling, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and was told at that time that adults don't get ADHD. Fast forward to age 51, when the bottom fell out of me at a job that was another in a series of jobs that just were not going right. I have a Ph.D. in Linguistics. I am very good at what I do. I have a great work ethic. And I was just not managing at all. I am talking like I couldn't even understand written English anymore. I went for neurocognitive testing because I seriously thought I had a brain tumor. ADHD was the last thing on my radar but testing pointed to that along with giftedness. My ADHD scores on subsequent tests were over two standard deviations to the right of the mean for people my age and gender. That means that less than one percent of females my age scored higher on this test. I started doing a lot of reading and realizing that a lifetime of anxiety and mood disorder diagnoses might actually have been the stress of masking even though I didn't know I was doing it. I It also came to light that while the medical community in Europe recognizes mood issues as part of ADHD, the US medical system does not. And that the research being done in Europe and the results it was getting made more sense to me than anything else I've ever been told. My teachers always said I talked too much and that I was a daydreamer. However, this was because I often finished my work faster than my classmates. And since I was getting good grades and nobody was on the lookout for ADHD in girls in the rural US of the 1980s, it went undetected until it all crashed down around me one fine day after having been faculty developer for 300 college instructors who suddenly had to teach online while simultaneously experiencing a very abusive situation with my boss. Fast forward to today - after an almost insane amount of time and money, I found a really great MD who has helped me differentiate a bunch of diagnoses and feel more confident that I know what I am dealing with. He was also supportive with trying off label medication after I had done a boatload of reading on the subject. We are three months into that process and I think I was able to definitely say it is helping at our last meeting. This has helped tremendously with the brain space and calm that I need to start with counseling for all the shame that is tied up in quitting jobs because of overwhelm or conflicts with supervisors and being told my whole life that I am too emotional, and too weird, and too everything to fit in. That is how I found your post. I am looking at online therapy and support groups. After some of that knot gets untied, phase three will be career counseling to find a better long term fit and job coaching to make sure I make it to retirement in once piece! So my very long answer to your simple question is YES. It is worth it. In some ways the diagnosis has not made things different, but it has helped me understand what is happening in my brain and why. It has helped me understand that it isn't always a question of discipline or mind over matter and to accept that there will be meltdowns at times but they are short lived and manageable. It has also helped me work with supervisors better and come to more of a middle ground of me doing better with strategies for excusing myself from situations or delaying conversations when my brain starts to jumble up and them being a bit more understanding and flexible. This makes for more productivity and less embarrassment and shame. Even though I still need to work through some very maladaptive responses to all of that from my past, I feel some hope for my career for the first time in a decade. And the right medication for a very specific piece of this (RSD) has smoothed things out enough that I can manage some of that hard work now. I hope this has helped a bit. Not sure how I got here because I was searching for a support group with CHADD in the United States, but glad it happened if this is helpful to you.
welcome! I turn 41 in 3 months and was only diagnosed 2 years ago when I realized the symptoms my daughter had are labeled adhd symptoms and her doc started her on the process of diagnosis.
Asd and adhd are both genetic conditions. It runs in families. So if your kid has one, it’s likely you may as well. Also, since the last dsm came out, there have been studies that show asd and adhd may be the same condition, but different part of the continuum.
If you think you may have it, definitely look into it with your doctor. After my diagnosis, I got annoyed that my brother was diagnosed at 5, but my parents never even looked into it for me. I’ve come to terms though, thanks to counseling.
It’s funny you say that because I have a brother at 30yrs old that my mum always says she should have got assessed when he was a kid. And another brother who is 39 confided in me Christmas past that he felt there was something different about him and has always felt this way and wanted to look into the possibility of adhd and/or other things. He was quite upset at the prospect and all I could do was laugh, which did seem quite insensitive in hindsight. It was more because me and my siblings must all have our own notions on it but never talked about it together. It’s funny how the prospect can affect people differently. I’m a very it is what it is person, like my youngest brother - then the other is somewhat more dramatic about it🤷🏼♀️
As I mentioned in one of my other comments I see traits in my two other undiagnosed sons that I see in myself, and as the saying goes, if they have adhd or are on the spectrum somewhere, they didn’t lick it from a stone
So, I made an appointment with the mental health practitioner in our GP surgery to start the process - and she advised me that the Adult ADHD services in our regain have now been done away with so there is currently so pathway for a referral for assessment. She said everyone on the waiting list received a letter to advise them that there is no longer a service and the only way to seek an assessment is now to pay privately. Also, our NHS don’t accept private diagnosis’s so if you go down this route then all follow up appointments, reviews and medication have to be paid for privately too. This is the times that we’re in I suppose 🤷🏼♀️
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