Hello everyone, a quick note to introduce myself after being recently properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist, although I have tested high scores on online screeners before that.
I have learned so much so quickly after taking my ADHD more seriously, and now I find myself questioning so many aspects of my life. I never before understood that emotional dysregulation was such a big part of the ADHD condition, and the new vocabulary around that is extensive! Now I find I am studying terms such as rejection-sensitive dysphoria, radical acceptance, executive functioning, and distress tolerance to name but a few.
This all seems a bit overwhelming but I do feel very hopeful and positive about taking on board new knowledge. I have never before felt that my challenges were better understood than now. Would anyone like to share some things they would have liked to discover sooner when they were diagnosed, and any thoughts from other older folks on looking back on your life when diagnosed so late?
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apersonwith
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Hi Mamamichl, thanks for responding to my post. I think distress tolerance is something that is linked to emotional dysregulation and very important for RSD, because rejection-sensitivity is the distressing emotion we often feel in response to things that make us uncomfortable. What if we could tolerate those uncomfortable things better and then not be so destructively reactive? Then our distress tolerance would have improved and the number of RSD episodes might be less. I'm not an expert but from what I have been reading it seems like one of the goals DBT is to improve distress tolerance by practicing DBT skills and techniques, getting stronger over time. We might still feel the wave of distress, but maybe we can ride it out rather than being swamped by the wave because it crashed over us.
I think for radical acceptance this is a way of thinking about what is happening to us that is closer to reality than maybe what we convince ourselves. For example, with RSD I would always blame another person or situation for triggering an episode. I might feel affronted or irritated or annoyed, or betrayed or insulted or let down. Then a dark mood might descend and the whole episode would be damage those relationships, maybe personal, maybe professional. But with radical acceptance we might instead accept the reality that it is how our ADHD brains are wired that led to the RSD episode, not the people around us at the time. So we are taking responsibility and understanding that it's better for us to know ourselves accurately and realistically, and so we are then more motivated to develop better strategies for managing our emotions instead of blaming others. I relate strongly to this, having hurt others with my mood swings, and ultimately this is hurting myself. Radical acceptance = accepting reality and responsibility. That's my take right now, but I am still learning!
Until I was diagnosed I really did not understand how much emotional dysregulation is part of ADHD and the reason for so many of my struggles. It's a relief to accept this reality now as being part of me, that I was born this way, the world is not as bad as I thought, and that we can learn how to better live with it.
This is so enlightening! I keep losing jobs over these. I’m so glad I’m starting DBT this summer. I am learning so much about my ADHD, and have learned a lot already. Now how to explain it to my supervisors or even if I should say anything about it in my interviews…
I am sure that figuring out if and how much to disclose to supervisors is an issue that so many people have to grapple with. It's great that you have the DBT scheduled, and if needed you will be able to demonstrate that you are taking steps towards personal growth. I hope your working environment is safe and supportive as you work through all of this. I'm also wondering how much to share with the people I work with. I did talk with my ex-wife about it and it opened the door to me taking more responsibility for our difficulties which she appreciated, and it was a honestly a bit of a relief.
Unfortunately my work environment was so toxic that I was not mentored and then was expected to know everything they were talking about, and I started in January in a tough school with little support. The school I worked at as a new special education teacher was very cliquey and I of course didn’t fit in. They told me they were firing me if I didn’t quit. I’m glad I get paid over the summer, but need to find work for next school year.
Wishing you all the best in finding a good fit for yourself. I'm embracing the fact that I am neurodivergent in more than one way, and so I feel things a bit differently and might be more sensitive than average. I need to expect that I might have misunderstood and overreacted at times (like finding a place to be toxic), so my goal is to intercept the reactivity with DBT tools and hopefully life is easier. Sounds like it's a great opportunity for you to be paid through summer and so you have a window to get a lot of DBT learning done!
I just read through your whole thread and I am very appreciative of it, thank you.
I was diagnosed two weeks before turning 50 (1.5 years ago) and this thing has completely destroyed my career (serial job seeker / currently unemployed. Again), and this is with a top 5 MBA in finance and four years at a 'Big 4' consulting firm, and all the rest of it.
I have an interview tomorrow with a Private Equity partner for a 2-3 month Interim CFO gig that pays about 70% of what I've made in the past in similar roles, but I'm desperate. I've gone through all my savings in my last year, and my wife is openly hostile to me. She actually refuses to give me any encouragement and instead puts me down at every opportunity and says things like "I dont' believe in you", etc.
That said, you can imagine how challenging it is for me to hold my marriage together for the sake of my girls, and what that does to my ADHD, RSD included. It's one thing to be diagnosed Adult ADHD; it's a whole other batter to be openly rejected and scorned for it. Wow.
Anyway, pitty party aside, I am mentioning this to hopefully give you two some hope by seeing that in some ways your personal situation may be better (I hope). Secondly, it illustrates the point that I fully get and understand the RSD side of the picture and I am really struggling with the Acceptance bit, as I still wake up every morning hating ADHD, what it has done to my marriage, career and life overall. Admittedly, it would be nice to have some semblance of support from my family, but them's the breaks, I guess. There is power here, and if I don't relinquish it to the situation/person/thing, I get to keep some of it. It builds up over time, I've found.
I do find it interesting that over the last six months, even though my wife has openly attacked me at dinner three times now, screaming at me, it forced me to dial in my composure even more and I told her every time that I knew what she was doing, and that even through I'm the one with ADHD and RSD, I will not yell back at her and all her sabotage efforts are for naught, as I will never, ever, ever grant her a divorce. Good Catholic choir boy over here. Surprise, surprise, she's calmer as of the last month and has actually started making a tiny bit of conversation with me once or twice per week. It's about attraction, not retention.
I find it interesting on her end, but also mine, because despite the fact that I'm the neurodivergent one, I have some weird, seemingly bottomless reserves in my noodle that help me cancel out any outburst. I learned that the hard way from infancy being raised in a very dysfunctional, violent, alcoholic home. A 'normal' person would have completely lost it on their spouse by now, but not me. There is this strange internal self-discipline bit that helps me shut that down, even if for the following 1-3 weeks I'm very anxious etc. Then comes the redirect toward reading the stoics, exercise, better nutrition, watching my sleep, etc. It's extremely challenging, but resisting the urge to let myself go and wreak havoc on others is the mustard of seed of faith in my heart and brain. If other reject it, so be it. Better to be alone than in bad company. With time, and enough stoic self-discipline, those others start accepting it and getting closer.
I suppose this emphasis on self-discipline is really a combination of understanding RSD and developing tools to better contain it/control it, and it may be leading me down the path of radical acceptance in some sort of functional/behavioral way.
If I get this job, or any other one, I will NEVER reveal to my employer that I have ADHD. At least in my field, it is a bit of a death sentence. My goal is to continue to practice self-discipline in myriad ways to figure this out to a point where I can perform not only at my prior capability (about 3-5 years ago, before my condition worsened dramatically), but exceed it, and all under the radar. Not to give in to impostor syndrome, but rather, to relish in allowing myself to live through a slight alter-ego that has learned how to put all these tools into practice and live an increasingly happier, healthier life.
To your question, apersonwith, yes, I really wish I had know about this 3, 5, 10, n Years ago so that I would have had more time to dial in all these factors and understand how to manage this wide constellation of cognitive issues and challenges that make up ADHD. At that point, my family may have been the slightest bit accepting of it/me, but here we are. Since I don't have time machine that allows me to go back in time to relive my life in a more self-compassionate way, I do now have a brain that understands the need to be a 'real-time machine' to keep me on track and make the best use of the time I have left.
Thank you for the input and thank you for reading if you've made it this far. I know it's unpleasant, but it's true, and the truth shall set you free, so I'm finding freedom in small ways every day.
Brevity being the soul of wit, I will try to keep it shorter next time, but for now, I thank you for the concept of 'Radical Acceptance', which I shall begin to research for myself directly.
Hi Focus and Flow, thanks for following the thread and adding your perspective. Unlike your stoic good self I bailed on my marriage when my kids were young, in great part because of the hostility I was experiencing from my partner. That was 20 years ago. I would never recommend that course of action, I think it was incredibly tough on the kids, and to my friends in similar situations I encourage them to tough it out. But this last weekend I did sit down with my ex-wife and share with her my diagnosis and how it explains so many of the things that caused her to disrespect me and detach. Part of my motivation for this was that our daughter also has ADHD, she's in her 20s now. I want to co-parent collaboratively and my ex-wife is supporting the steps I am trying to take to stop my daughter spending decades in the dark. I apologized to my ex-wife for being a difficult partner and let her know I understood why she got so frustrated. I feel better about it as a result, but I do feel shame and regret that my daughter is in the same boat.
My therapist (via growtherapy.com) has quickly introduced some really important concepts to me that I think you might find interesting. Like you, I felt a lot of shame and anger towards my own neurodiversity, which is apparently a very common thing. She coached me on thinking in terms of acceptance (and radical acceptance) and also how she wanted to build a framework for strength-based therapy, something else I had to go look up. This is a process of noticing and mapping the many strengths we have, and accepting that the challenges of ADHD are also balanced by some exceptional strengths and gifts. This has helped me embrace the diagnosis more positively. For example, I do have strong creative and problem-solving skills which are a great asset to my work.
I think you and I share in common the desire to do what is best for our kids, and that higher purpose can be a positive motivator within the family dynamic. I had barely spoken with my ex for years but this last weekend we talked constructively for a couple of hours about ADHD and what it really means for me and for our daughter. In that respect I think transparency can be helpful, but I agree its very difficult when it comes to work.
I think the other concept that my therapist discussed that I am figuring out is this idea of masking. I know that all my life I have masked my neurodiversity, especially at work, and the masking is exhausting and stressful. So I'm processing right now in my mind if I want to mask less and disclose more in the future, and I guess it will depend very much on the people involved. Thanks again for sharing your experiences and being together on this journey with the group!
Wow... thank you for sharing all that; it must have been quite tough.
It's good to hear success stories like yours. Admittedly, coming from a broken home of divorce, violence, alcoholism, adultery, etc., I didn't have much choice, but that does put things rather in perspective in terms of fighting for one's kids, as one never wants them to have to endure such things. Far from it.
That said, I never drank, I'm not violent, nor have I been unfaithful to my wife, and I thought I had this life think licked, but I did notice over the years things both at work and at home just getting harder and always having that nagging-to-cataclysmic feeling that I still did not have the right answers to what was going on inside me.
Needless to say, one becomes wiser with age and added life experience. It's a bummer that so many of them have to be on the negative or conflictive side. What I am discovering through this process, though, is that I am the one who gives permission to enter my mind and feelings, if you will. Before, the world would just enter and wreak havoc like the proverbial bull in a china shop.
Now that 'bull' still enters, but I am somehow better able to play a toreador and keep the displays intact (well, more intact, at least on one side of the shop). I'm a highly logical person, and so, now knowing what this is, while it makes it incredibly difficult to accept, it helps me to not question so much and obsess so much about just 'fixing it', and rather learn different ways to cope with it and manage it - To your comment about creative problem solving.
I'm sorry that you and your wife separated all those years ago, but I am very encouraged to hear that for the first time in years, as you stated, you had a constructive conversation. As you know, the job of a parent is never over, so I'm glad you can both focus on your daughter with ADHD and give her a WEALTH of advice and direction, precisely so she can avoid the extra decades of literal torture.
I stated that to my wife and my girls about three months ago when I sat them down for a 'family discussion', which is the last time I spoke openly about my ADHD. I told both my daughters that I see tendencies from my personality in both of them (mainly my oldest, who's about to leave for college), and it worries me. I'm here if they ever need to talk or figure out a new approach / tools for anything. Of course my wife just did a number of demeaning eye rolls and ignored the whole conversation because I have yet known her to make one single mistake after 30 years together, and she's basically perfect, in her own eyes. No mind, I move forward in what I know is right. Sometimes you to literally have to kill them with kindness, and if not that, at least indifference at their aggression. They have to understand they can't hurt you anymore. Oddly enough, it works.
I do want my life to get better and happier, but this is a marathon and I'm simply running the mile I'm in. I'm not a runner, but that expression makes A TON of sense to me now, especially having ADHD and allowing myself to shift my thinking and processing over time. Having very strict cognitive rules is evidently another part of ADHD, so this is part of the self-compassion bit.
I believe I may have to intervene with my girls at some point, as, like I said, I do see those tendencies, and at that point my wife may finally realize she did not have all the answers. Naturally, I expect her to react vastly differntly to them than she did to me, but if she refuses them as she did me, I will be there to support them and even protect them, if it comes to that. Based on experience, it likely will.
It's amazing to me how powerful it is to simply have someone on the other side of the table acknowledge how difficult these struggles are and without even saying it, there's a bit of an implicit "it'll be ok" at the end of a simple "i know. I know. I struggle with that too". Juxtaposed against that is the oddly extreme and sudden rejection by family members who now understand as one does, and yet say no to any overtures about any sort of encouragement, and in fact, act openly to degrade one's progreess. Honestly, I see my wife as one of those storks killing the one chick in the nest and thowing it over the edge to die after a long fall.
Yes, I know, rather dramatic. But if I can think of such things as applied to myself and remain calm, that becomes the new threshold of pain and other images that come throughout the day are quite likely to be less unpleasant and easier to withstand / process.
I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter in question and that she's open to having some of these conversations with you so she can benefit from your experience. I would not be too surprised if that led to at least a slightly better relationship going forward with your ex-wife and a more productive, healthy, happy. and overall rewarding life for all of you. Starting with YOU.
This is a very interesting, thought-provoking thread! I wanted to welcome you and identify as someone who was diagnosed at 54, now almost 68. Your introductory post and the thread show that we are intelligent, analytical people within our neurodiversity, and those two characteristics have been what's saved me from myself all these years - I'm NOT stupid, lazy or crazy!
And yet...I find that I don't retain the new language and ideas about how to manage my ADHD. I know that part of it is that I don't tolerate any of the medications that would give me a head start. I'm trying to work ON my ADHD brain WITH my ADHD brain, and that's only met with partial success. I believe that I must be masking to an extent, a new term I'm seeing that sounds like I'm acting Neurotypical on the outside while my brain is running in circles or on tangents. So having knowledge of this condition provides me with significant emotional relief, and reduces the shame and guilt somewhat, but still doesn't "fix" my traits enough to not annoy or frustrate the people around me. Thank goodness I'm retired. Having the stress of employment problems behind me has cut a good 80 percent of my former anxiety. And I am able to give myself the compassion and grace I would extend to anyone else dealing or struggling with this thing. But I think that most of the people in my life see it as an excuse, they just love me anyway because I'm lovable in spite of my real and imagined faults and failures. At my age, I'm not allowing others to dictate how I feel about myself nearly as much. And coming here to identify and commiserate and learn fills a big void. When all is said and done, nobody knows you like another with the same condition. This is a judgment-free zone, and that's the most important thing of all!
Keep posting, you will add much and learn some in a safe space.
Hello PinkPanda23, I really appreciate that you responded to my first post with the insights and support that you shared. I can already get a sense of how so many of us have found it hard being neurodivergent over many years, and although the world is in theory an inclusive place, it still has a long way to go. Like you, I find coming here is a really positive experience.
I'm also sorry to hear that the medications you have tried have not worked out, and so we can but hope that more and better options are developed for future ADHDers. As someone who is newly diagnosed I am still grappling with the significance of my new reality. I keep realizing how certain traits that have been fundamental to my personality are in fact easily categorized within the ADHD-related patterns of behaviour. And I am sure that school, and then the workplace, are the places that cause so much damage and distress because people are expected to conform to expected behaviors that are beyond challenging with different styles of executive functioning.
I think that it is encouraging in these days of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, that neurodiversity is also being included in the way organizations are thinking about supporting all their employees. Organizations are increasingly understanding that talent comes in many shapes and forms, and all should be nurtured with understanding, but a bit too late for our generation! Still, here we have as you say a non-judgemental group that supports each other through the miracle of the internet, and we can be grateful for that at least. Hope we can exchange thoughts on many things here in the future!
I was recently diagnosed at 57, for the second time. I have had 34 bone surgeries from a bone disease which has caused chronic pain since I was 27. 20 years ago I couldn't sleep and had anxiety and other symptoms, my Neurologist said I did have Chronic Pain but was also ADD/ADHD--I thought he was crazy. Fast forward 20 years, I started seeing someone for panic attacks and after the first hour she said "you have all the symptoms for ADHD minus being hyper." After I started reading about it I thought I was reading about myself and was shocked about the number of things that made sense such as I talk a lot and tend to go to far, so I have been told..I realized my Doc 20 years was right, if I had listened my life would have been different and maybe not divorced. I started Adderal and am seeing improvement in many areas, especially sleep.
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