Am I too picky when it comes to socializing?

[Late-Cat48]

I've never had the best social skills and I'm not sure how much of that is the ADHD. I've avoided social situations in the past perhaps out of some fear. But now, when I really do want to get out and meet people more, I feel like I'm still avoiding some because I know I would get bored/annoyed with any small talk or conversations I don't care about. Socializing is supposed to be good for us but if you're more introverted or neurodivergent in some ways it feels like the wrong sort is worse than none at all. Am I maybe just making excuses though? Would any kind of Socializing be better than none?

[Fightingstorm123]

Hi Late-Cat48,

I have the same problem, I’m not good at socializing. Also I’m too picky when I choose my friends. I don’t like to go out and I prefer the comfy of my home. Some people want to be my friends but I don’t because they are not the type of friends that I want in my life. I made some friends in the past but they got tired of me because sometimes I avoided them. They couldn’t understand that sometimes I just want to be alone. Now I don’t care anymore about friends and I’m happy talking to myself lol. I don’t know if it is healthy or not but I feel more comfortable this way

[STEM_Dad]

Not just any kind of socializing. There has to be some sort of positive aspect to it, and you've got to feel like you belong in that group (which you might not feel the first time meeting with the group... 'impostor syndrome' is very common for people with ADHD).• If a group forms around shared negatives, like people who just gripe about everything or people who only get together to drink or get high, then it will only be detrimental.

• If a group has a positive social aspect, then it will most likely have a positive effect on you.

The group might be just people with one shared interest (like a particular sport, hobby, past time, or shared experience).

Kids tend to be able to make friends or join a peer group just based on location (living in the same town, or going to the same school). Adults have to be more intentional, because we have so much more free agency...we can drive or get a ride around our area. So, we have to be much more intentional.

If there isn't an ADHD support group in your area, look for interest based groups.

If you follow a particular faith, then look for a peer group at a local church.

Or, if you're living near where you went to high school, try reconnecting with some old friends or classmates (since nostalgia can sometimes draw people together for a bit).

Or, if you have a certain passion, look for others with the same one. (e.g. motorcycles, classic cars, dogs, fitness, DnD, pool, basketball, wine tasting, etc. You know your mind and what interests you, so try taking that as inspiration.)

Finding ADHD support groups can be hard, but finding others with ADHD can be a lot easier... we're about 5-10% of the population, so undoubtedly there are others with ADHD near you. Chances are, you probably know a few already; they just might be undiagnosed.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

To answer the question in your post title: • You might be 'too picky', or you might be guarded. In my experience, probably most people with ADHD have had a hard time fitting in, so we tend to be very guarded about joining new social groups.