I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD only 3 moonths ago! I started on Concerta then changed to Vyvanse 20 mg now, I'm taking Vyvanse every other day and I'm more focused and my working memory is fine. I also, take medication for anxiety !
I noticed that whenver there is a stressful conversation with my husband I start to feel like a kid who is standing before his parent and the parent is scolding him/her! It makes me feel anxious, and act like distant . Inisde me , I dont feel distant! I feel bad anxiety! and in the heat of moment I just feel frozen with nothing in my mind so I just say sorry and repeat it and just repeat what my husband is saying as a way to tell him I understand!
I feel very sad and helpless! I'm doing therapy but I didnt have the chance to explain this to my therapist.
Any practical tips or any advise?
Thanks,
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I recommend learning mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. A therapist taught me to practice them when I don't need them, so that they are tools I can use readily when I do need them.
I also find it helps to reexamine conversation after the fact, and ponder what I wish I'd said. Then, I imagine having that conversation or one on the same topic, and visualize saying what I would like to say.
It's helped me some. I can't say that it's helped me a lot, but I can say that it has helped me to be a bit more clear and a little bit more assertive so far.
I know that I need to keep practicing. I've been at it only a couple of years, but I don't practice very often, and I should do so a lot more.
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The visualization technique has helped me with being more decisive, and owning my decision.
Believe it or not, learning to be more decisive started with McDonald's. When I'd been married just a few years, my wife started telling my to start thinking of what I wanted from McDonald's before we got into the car to go there. That's because I was so I decisive in the drive-thru.
• I came up with the idea of a "default choice". The Quarter Pounder meal became my "default choice", and I compared the other options to that. If I liked something more that day, it became my choice, and I compared other menu options to that one. When it was time to order, whatever was my current choice was what I ordered...even if I hadn't read the whole menu yet.
This was an exercise in decision making. (I can't take credit for inventing this process. It's borrowed from computer programming... it's an algorithm called a "bubble sort", but with my appetite as the sorting criteria.)
...
Anyhow, the point is that it takes practice (in reality and can be aides by visualization) to learn to manage your anxiety in a conversation and to be able to express your needs, wants and desires.
If you are on ADHD medication, it might help.
Therapy with a skilled, knowledgeable, or intuitive therapist might help immensely.
Most of all, you've got to believe that you are worthy of knowing you own mind and standing up for yourself.
Let me tell you that I believe you are worthy, indeed! You just have to decide what you're worthy of.
Thank you, STEM_Dad! I will learn about ADHD meditation and will start practicing! I used to do meditation before I was diagnosed with ADHD and it helped me calm down my anxiety but then gradually I stopped. It sounds that I need it now more than before!
Your idea of "default choice" is interesting ! do you mean that you set up what you need/like/want in advance? so by that you don't hesitate?
STEM_Dad, this "default choice" is so spot on! I have a number of restaurants where I have one favorite, and that's my "go-to" order. At the 99 Restaurant, it's their broiled marinated sirloin tips with redskin mashed potatoes, with either a blue cheese wedge salad or French Onion soup as an appetizer. But I always look at the specials of the day in case something sounds delicious, and if I want something lighter, I get fish tacos. If I'm going somewhere new, I look at their menu on line and narrow it down to a half dozen items from which to choose when I get there. And if I'm going somewhere on the spur of the moment, I focus on omelets. The trick is to narrow my choices to a few, then choose one.
I went to my husband and read him your paragraph on "default choice." He immediately responded with "I can't do that. " He said if they told him he had to choose immediately or leave, he'd leave hungry. Yet for me, it makes so much sense. I have ADHD, he doesn't. So you're onto something! Thanks!
Yeah, I just think I need to change the word "default" to something else. Maybe "first choice" or "starting choice" would be better.
For your husband, I have this suggestion.
• When I'm at a restaurant for breakfast, I'd start with short stack of pancakes, with sausage links on the side, as the default.
• For lunch or dinner, the restaurant's cheeseburger and fries is the default* (if it's American food; if Mexican, it's the house burrito; if Chinese food, it's sweet and sour chicken).
*{I also have this theory that you can get a good assessment of a restaurant by how good their basic cheeseburger and fries meal is.}
His basics might be different from mine. Maybe he likes a good BLT, like my son did for a few years ("because bacon", he'd say...that was when he outgrew having Mac and Cheese at every sit-down restaurant).
Have you talked to your husband and told him you feel this way? It might help bring the stress down if you can work out a way to communicate where you don’t feel like you’re on the spot. I have to ask also if you feel this way talking to everyone or are you more nervous around your husband? Is there anything he’s doing that makes you feel nervous? My husband gets very anxious about scheduling and it makes me feel like a kid who can never keep up. We talked about it and it helped. If the idea of bringing it up is too nervous making, you could discuss with your therapist first.
I'd probably ask about this with your therapist. Everyone's different, especially with medications. For me, I've had plenty of social interactions with work, people in the street when appropriate, and I remind myself that it's okay to feel anxious, but I decide to do something with it. That's what courage is. Sometimes I want it to get better right away, but I have to find other things to focus on. I think the most anxious I feel is when I need to confront someone on something. I think I worry about controlling my temper and I'm venturing into unknown territory, but I know it's important to treat my issue earlier on and not rush to conclusions/ruminate everything about my problem at the time. I don't have to swallow poison and expect someone else to be seething.
I can't say that I know what it's like to be clinically diagnosed with anxiety, but I still have to experience it and push forward by feeling it, then harness it to figure out a solution. So that's what I would do personally.
I love that analogy. Or, being told off my the teacher at school. Yes, can totally relate to that. I have no advice at the moment because between my team and myself, for this very reason, i'm starting CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It helps to understand how to think and make choices in your brain, and what to say etc, in those situations. There's many podcasts and books on CBT
It's not good that you feel that way around your husband! That makes me sad. You need to let him know how anxious he is making you feel. He must try to understand and help you! Please discuss this with your therapist.
I already did that manytimes but he thinks that I'm asking him to accept my behaviour! I tried to tell him that I'm not asking him to accept anything not good but Im trying to explain to you what is going on with me!
I started to postpond my answers especially when it is very critical and stressful so I dont answer reactively!
It is very wise of you to try to postpone your answers.
I worry because it sounds like he is bullying you. Each person needs to have their own space within their home. We need to have the freedom to be who we are in our home. Your home cannot be a place where you must endlessly be careful of making mistakes. That is not home. Home is a place where you love to be. A place where you can be happy.
Even though I have ADHD, that does not make me a child. It does not allow others to treat us like children. Are there things that you can take responsibility for and others that your partner can take care of so that you are not overwhelmed?
Is he capable of accepting that there are things you can do - and others that you cannot do? Is he capable of treating you with respect even though there are things you cannot do.
Have you tried writing down what you want to say? Sometimes I can’t find the words I want and it helps me to either put it in writing for the other person or just as reminders for myself when I speak to them.
Some things to consider:
Is it you, your husband or both that could benefit from changing how you speak to each other in stressful conversations?
Do you have a lot of stressful conversations? Why? What makes them stressful? Do you perceive them to be stressful in advance of them? Is your husband aware of this?
Is this relationship on equal terms or are you subordinate in some way? (I ask because you say you feel like a child).
Are you happy in this relationship? Do you feel your husband loves you in equal measure to how much you love him?
Your conversations from what you say seem to be at a parent to child level instead of adult to adult. Preparing yourself to be able to speak on an adult level may help your husband speak to you on an adult level instead of being in the parent position in conversations. Good luck. It’s all about being the best version of yourself. You can do it.
Your reply is very thoughtful!I will do write what I want or try to say to him. I think both of us will benefit from changing the way I speak or interact during the stressful conversation, and yes, I we do have so many stressful conversations.It is all about how I'm not a responsible wife and how I can't fillful the role of an adult wife( BTW, I feel more than shocked to hear that but when I listen to him I found he is saying the truth as there are many evidence ). I do feel he loves and he cares about me and our marriage but I can't make him feel my love!
He told me that I dont want him as man but as a fathe which I don't feel like that except during stressful conversation!
Sorry it is too much and I feel like it is unfair for him as I'm unable to change in the speed he needs and the situation reuires.
I think, your reply is making all the sense to me and not sure where I will end up with this relationship.All what I'm trying to do is to be honest and act accordingly! I never meant to be harmful or not fillfull my role responsibilities!
I started to feel that I'm immoral may be ADHD is making me so
If two people are having a conversation about any particular subject matter, and one person shuts down then the conversation is no longer productive and therefore nothing to gain by continuing the convo. and lots to lose.
in my case, when i shut in my brain, i become verbally aggressive and hostile. you do the opposite and when you shut down you go blank and apologize. it looks different but its the same thing- our brains are done!!!!
other groups members provided great suggestions on how to address “ how not to shut down” and so i wont bother to suggest more tools. however, i do want to suggest that while you are in the process of learning the root of your anxiety, n learning the tools n hacks to manage it, etc, etc, i encourage you to just stop the conversation once u know u are too anxious to have a productive convo.
knowing that you experience anxiety, and knowing how your anxiety shows up and presents itself is AWESOME. that is the essential first step to managing it.
with that in mind, i recommend that when u n your hubby are chilling and having a peaceful day, to let him know how to recognize when you are shutting down. then make a deal that if you or him recognize the shut down to take a break from the conversation. bc lets face it, nothing good can happen at that point n it certainly isnt going to cure your anxiety. lol
also, something to be mindful of is that people with emotional intelligence can easily spot it when another person has tapped out of a conversation. there are many many many signs. the fact that your husband continues the convo when you are standing there like a parrot repeating his sentences n apologizing is a sign of his deficits in communications too. so you are not the only one that can benefit from self work❤️
and one more thing. us adhd’ers can be super easy to be scapegoated bc we do tend to sensitive to rejection and blame. its hard for us to discern if someone is actually being condescending towards us or if we are being overly sensitive. so thats another piece of the puzzle n something to explore.
Hello, I did not notice an increase in my anxiety due to the consumption of Vyvanse, and I take 60 mg +20 mg at 1 pm every day, so a very high dose....
I would say check with your doctor about the anxiety pills you're having and try and work that in therapy for anxiety...
Forgive me if what I have to say doesn't meet your needs, but I want to share with you my personal experience. Like you, I have both ADHD and anxiety and for much of my early life I tended to be fairly timid and any encounter which was in any way confrontational would have a terrible effect on me and robbed me of my ability to stand up for myself.
Over the years I have had to deal with any number of confrontations and gradually got better at handling them. Initially my lack of confidence produced in me a desire to be right, fair and liked with the option of abject capitulation at the decisive moment.
The more I was pushed the angrier I got. This can make things very difficult even though I tried to hide it. In the meantime I practiced my technique on smaller incidents and discovered that saying as little as possible, and being prepared to say "no" (when I had always felt that saying "no" was in some way unhelpful), as well as "yes" as the moment required, was a great help. There are also stock phrases like "I don't agree", "don't trivialise my concerns", "what's that to me/you?" and many others, have a useful role to play in a lively discussion alongside more positive comments - which I already had by the yard. I try always to remain courteous and not to raise my voice - if you can deliver a rebuttal courteously you're doing well.
My conclusion is that if you can bring yourself to be quietly assertive when needed you'll find yourself in a space that offers more room think and respond when the need arises. If you have a friend with whom you can practice you might both enjoy the sense of liberation it can bring.
Lots of good advice here. If the stressful behavior is happening as criticism of your behavior or a mistake you made - try not to see it as direct put down of you the person but focus on the behavior. All of us make mistakes & with your meds being fairly new there's a time period to adjust to them. That's a period of uncertainty & you're figuring it out. Maybe in a peaceful moment you can explain what it's been like on them & explain any changes -positive or negative. That helps your husband get the overall picture. If he understands you freeze up in those moments when you are being chewed out - if he is caring and able to manage his emotions then he will back down from going there. I hope you can learn some techniques from your therapist re communication from a place that's not based on fear. You are probably highly sensitive to conflict & prefer to avoid it - & there are ways to handle conflict that can be learned. Best wishes.
Thank you, Quincie! Your advice is adding value to all the good advices I received here. I'm working on my communication with the therapist but I think I have to be specific about learning communication from a place that is not based on fear! and yes, I'm very sensitive to conflict and do not assertive ...in another word I'm timid! May be it is a sign of immaturity but, at least I know and with all the advices and knowing about others experiences and be honest in my efforts I hope things will be better.
Wow, such great advice on this thread! One thing to try, that might sound weird, is for you and your husband to call each on your phones from separate rooms when you feel like this. It means that you both need to recognize that it's happening, take a pause, go to separate rooms, and then you call him on his phone and have the conversation that way. Some people find it much easier to have difficult conversations like this instead of face-to-face. If it's too much for you to call him, then have him call you. You calling him might give you more of a sense of agency and control of the situation, though.
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which I don't feel like that except during stressful conversation! 
How do I recognize if/when my meds are effective?
Looking for changes I can implement right now to manage ADHD (not on meds yet)
How do I handle my anxiety when talking to a new therapist? 
How can we live harmoniously?
HELP...I can not talk when my boss is angry with me!
