I struggled all throughout school whether it was struggling to pay attention and retain any of the information that was presented to me. In trouble for forgetting homework or not doing homework. Absolutely dreaded being called on by the teacher to answer a question on the board in front of the class. And It hasn’t stopped there. Never being able to find confidence in anything I did.
Once I started working my very first job which was a daycare. I worked with the babies until age 2 maybe. A friend of mine got me the job. The manager there was real strict and pretty mean. I remember feeling like I was supposed to just know everything.
I have always needed very specific detailed answers in what I was to be doing so I could try not mess anything up. But so many times in life I feel like I have been talked down on or judged. I would ask the simplest questions maybe more than one time and still be confused. Maybe you were just already expected to know these things that I didn’t know ?
Anyhow My very first job was the first time I had a manager ask me if I had any common sense! I ended up getting let go because I couldn’t even stick up for myself and was scared to speak up . Heck I already felt like something was wrong with me anyway.
A few years later my friend encouraged me to go get my medical assistant certificate. So I went to a medical school that took 6 months to complete and get my certificate. Luckily for my friend who was going to school to be a nurse at that time she helped me study and to try and remember things so I could pass my tests. Flash cards became my best friend. I passed and I ended up getting an externship and they actually hired me!
Of course I was terrified. It was so much to remember . Everything needed to be in order and documented perfectly. I had to room patients and keep anll the rooms stocked abe set out anll the infusion stuff the for next Day patients who all had different types of meds and infusions. I aLeo ended up becoming the medical records person to scan and index all the paperwork that came though the office. All the test and orders needed to be in patients charts in the right tab so it would be there for the doctor to view before or during the visit with their patients. I couldn’t just remember and I never really caught on with time. The girls around me I would always be asking them the same questions all the time because I just didn’t know and couldn’t remember. I would get so frustrated and scared to even ask for help because I felt like I was an inconvenience and couldn’t handle the annoyed tone of voice from people. The girls would warn me that I better step it up otherwise our manager who was also not very nice and was feared by everyone would not be happy with me. The stress and fear I had with being a disappointment had me crying the entire ride home every night.
Finally the day came when my manager pulled me aside into a patient room and closed the door and the first words out of her mouth were “What’s wrong with you?! Don’t you have any common sense!?” Anything after that I don’t even remember anything else she said to me. Mind you I was also 7 months pregnant. I left that room just crying and so embarrassed and upset.
I have struggled working little odds and ends jobs and the longest job I have ever had was for 3 years. Currently I have been out of work for almost three years now.
My relationships are all completely difficult. I am not reliable. I am always late even when I try my hardest to be on time for anything. Time means nothing to me. I am not good with time frames