Wife/Mother of ADHD Family

[CKCSMom]

My husband and two middle school age children all have ADHD. All 3 are medicated and this does help but not nearly enough. I. I love my family dearly, but often times I just simply do not want to be in the same house with them. On most days, I feel like I am drowning and sinking deeper into depression, because nothing ever changes. My husband recognizes the problems that his ADD causes and wants to change. His good intentions sometimes result in small changes that last for only a short period of time before things return back to the way they were. Over the years I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, and I am medicated for both. I also deal with chronic pain and fatigue, which do not help. I feel so trapped and I just want out of this whole mess. I have read numerous books on the issues over the years and I have done individual counseling. My husband and I have also done counseling together. But ultimately NOTHING ever changes and I am so tired of it. I know many of you can relate.

[givemethereins]

That sounds very hard. I'm a mum who has adhd married to a man with potential autism and adhd combined. We have 3 children, 2 of whom appear to be on the spectrum in very different ways. So extra spicy.

I will say because I'm ND myself I'm sure it's easier for me to reconcile all of these intense differences.

For you it must be very hard as we all know the women carry the mental workload for the family, and generally hold the entire family structure together so to also have to carry the burden of adhd people is alot.

The main things that helped me deal with these extra spicy and often conflicting needs was acceptance, not only of myself but my husband. And understanding.

Understanding helped us to figure out how to set up our life as best as possible.

Both were really only possible to achieve with therapy specialising in neurodiversity.

And deep acceptance doesn't necessarily mean giving up on the people around you. But it may mean facing the fear that these loved ones may never change.

And then you may have to decide what you're able to accept or not.

[LisethHIS]

Hi, CKCSMom,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. I would still recommend going to solo therapy and perhaps you all can do family therapy as well. There's a Partners of ADHD support Group, aacochadd.org/Support-Group... perhaps you would like to join. Here are some articles that you can read and see if they are helpful. chadd.org/adhd-weekly/relat... chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne... Here are some podcasts that you would like to listen. podcasts.chadd.org/?s=relat...

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[wtfadhd]

hi CKCS mom,

im an ADHD mom with ADHD child. my x husband had depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. i am very outgoing, social, and active. His low energy, complaining and depression caused me to feel intolerabley bored, trapped, snuffed out, judged, repressed n it caused my adhd symptoms to be exacerbated. disaster!

We are divorced now and in hindsite, it is clear to me that we were both stuck on our marriage and family life being the way we had created in our own minds.

we both made each others symptoms worse by expecting the other person to be who we wanted the other person to be. idealization.

on a more positive note- ive been in a happy relationship for last 3 years with someone who enjoys my ADHD and that makes a huge difference in how my adhd shows up. my x wishes i was like that when i was with him!!! he still doesnt get the connection and his part and im okay with that. its not my problem or life anymore

just food for thought n a new perspective.

[StanleyThyroid]

I have similar battles. My wife has anxiety and I wind her up terribly with my symptoms. Part of the problem is that she feels that how I behave is my reaction to her when it's just the adhd. Leading up to Christmas was dreadful - I don't do the shorter days and bad weather so next year I am seriously thinking of getting away for a month somewhere sunny which also fixes another problem of something new to give me my dopamine boost.

I am still working through this (only being diagnosed a year ago) but I have concluded that using neurotypical fixes to adhd problems is not the answer so looking at out of the box ideas.

1 thing I would say is having your husband modify his behaviour actively is very difficult medium term. The solution lies in finding a lifestyle that allows you to both be yourself. Fir me for example that would be finding a way to get more space. Do keep us posted