Repairing the damage

[porcupin]

The resentment in my marriage is hard to tackle. 20 years married . 5 years since diagnosed . My husband has years of resentment for the way I treated him. It was not purposely but my unknown damaging Adhd symptoms . I have some hidden resentment because I feel like a child sometimes. Arguments that caused not nice things to be said to eachother. Trying to rekindle my marriage to get past all of the previous problems. I dont know what to do! I feel awkward now around him because of all the things I did in.the past. He has stood by me like a saint and I am sure he wishes he didnt . Any help.qould be appreciated

[Hidden]

hey you,

did your hubby actually express that he is experiencing anger n resentment towards you now? or are you assuming that he must feel that way? often times, i project my negative feelings about myself n convince myself that others feel a particular way towards me. i have to be hyper vigilant about keeping myself in check. the RSD part of ADHD is a challenge for me.

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Dear porcupin,

It is admirable that you want to repair the damage caused by your ADHD. I am on the opposite side of that fence. My 61yo husband was diagnosed last year after 12 years of very frustrating marraige for both of us.

Neither of you can erase the past, the words or deeds that created any resentments. The most important thing you can do now is stay on your treatement/therapy plan and do whatever it takes to follow through on what you say you are going to do. Post-its, phone alerts, whatever works for you. Acknowledging the ADHD and its effects also goes a long way toward rebuilding the love and trust you once shared.

Good luck.

[Quincie]

Sounds like you need to rebuild trust. I assume you have apologized for whatever happened in the past & you have explained that going forward you have a strategy & tools to deal with life better in a consistent way.

Well you don't automatically get the greenlight from him just by saying that things are going to be different. You have to walk it out each day & show you are putting into practice what you said you would do.

I don't know how long this takes for your hubby to feel secure it's actually real this time. But keep going, keep showing up each day to do what you said you would do. You are also doing this for you, so view the commitment & perseverence as a gift for yourself, as well as to make amends to your husband. Wishing you the best in this.

[STEM_Dad]

I commend you for wanting to make meaningful changes in your marriage, to improve your relationship.

Some advice that I came across many times when I was trying to save my marriage was that you and your husband might each need individual counseling and might need relationship counseling together as a couple.

Resentment can harm a relationship, but that's a difference between harm and damage. Resentment is a feeling, and feelings can change with the circumstances. What damages a relationship are the behaviors that one or both partners can engage in that cause problems. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the four behaviors to try to avoid are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness or Stonewalling.

(He refers to these as "The Four Horsemen". gottman.com/blog/the-four-h... These are behaviors, and they can become patterns. The one that Dr. Gottman refers to as a "relationship killer" is contempt.

A one-time action can possibly corrected, or at least quickly apologized for. But a habitual pattern of behavior can become very hard to change, and that's when professional help might be necessary.

Guilt is also an emotion, and might motivate someone to make corrections. Shame seems similar, but is very negative in effect. Guilt says, "I did something bad." Shame says, "I am bad."

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You might even be experiencing some form of grief about the negative words and actions that have come before. Grief is a process that can go back and forth and round and round between the "staged of grief", which are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's not a linear process...a person doesn't necessarily go through all the stages or go though them in a set order. The hope is to come through to Acceptance.

You cannot change the past, but you can accept what happened and try to learn from the past. This is what helps us to grow as individuals and to develop our character.

Take ownership of what you have said and done before. It's a part of your history now. (Don't try to minimize or explain away what has happened. That won't do any good, and might do more harm. But who knows, maybe there will be some things that you and your husband will be able to laugh about someday.)

The past is a great teacher. The present is a great mentor, if you're paying attention. The future can be a great motivator, so try to use it effectively as such.

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When a relationship falls apart, but then the couple comes back together, often times they can build a better relationship than they had before. They might both be wiser, more forgiving, and willing to put forth the effort to build a better future for the two of them.

You have a great opportunity...you can do that now, without breaking up, because you know that you can do better.

I suggest that the two of you have open and sincere conversations about what has happened and what you want you future to be like.

[GracePV]

This may seem strange, but I put up with someones terrible behavior.. and then I decided to forgive him.. It was hard and took a year, but I did it. (it was a year of feeling very angry at him.) I was able to forgive and that did something wonderful for me. It elevated me to a higher level of being. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

Perhaps your husband can do that for you. Especially since you are changing and aware.

Good luck and Hugs.