Talking A Different Language

[DreamingOfNormal]

After almost 30 years, I need to find an alternate way to talk to my husband, who I suspect has undiagnosed ADHD (I was diagnosed approximately 5 years ago).

As an example, this morning we we discussing (over the phone) making camping reservations at one of our favorite state parks. Of course I don’t remember the spot number we usually book. He’s telling me it’s in the “upper loop”, so I’m looking on line at the park map, & looking at the sites in the uppermost loop. We both end up getting frustrated, so decide to wait to make our reservations until he gets home. He tells me which site he wants, which on the map is in the lower loop! He was saying “upper loop” meaning elevation! Granted, he’s in construction, so works with elevation all the time, but I don’t.

I find this pretty humorous that, after all these years, we haven’t figured out a better way of communicating!

[doghome]

We are in the exact same boat as you. Husband just recently diagnosed and meds just starting. Im learning all kinds of things about how to better manage this to avoid mine and his frustration. Hes in his 60's and Im almost there, lol Theres so much that could of been done different in our 25 years, had we known too. It is like you said, a whole new language, so many ways I kept pushing for my "normal" way of thinking and not getting why he doesnt understand, but NOW I get it and am learning a new approach, so exhausting in the past Im hoping for some relief now

[Attentiondefdiff]

I have found the same thing at work. It causes a lot of problems for me because I think I’m on the right track but later find out I am not. I am not sure it is all just ADHD but more so life experiences and personalities. ADHD comes in at the way I handle the aftermath of the miscommunication. I take it personally as my lack of ability to do things and get frustrated. Emotional deregulation and procrastination set in and I’m not productive. Last year I thought it was all me and my lack of communication skills. I did a lot of research and learned several strategies without much success actually getting myself in hot water by speaking up. This year I am not thinking of myself as the problem but pointing out the fact of experience differences. I make a point of letting people know without the same life experience we do not have the knowledge of what questions to ask and misconceptions happen. Communication is hard for everyone because we all think our experiences and expectations are the same. If we are in same situations, we think others have had the same background information, values and expertise yet that is not true. So now I am focusing on giving myself and others grace on misconceptions and miscommunications.

[Gettingittogether]

Don't be too hard on yourself or yourselves. Lots of couples have trouble adjusting their communication even after suffering years of consistent misunderstanding.

Two adhd people communicating with each other, OMG, my heart goes out to you guys.

I'm glad you had some humor about this.

Nowk if you really want to get better at this, you will need to write down (just as you did here) a summary of the botched communication between you and your husband. Just take two minutes to write it down in a file.

Then the next time it happens, summarize that experience as well. After you get five or so examples down, then you can share the examples with a communications coach, a therapist or just a friend of yours who is a really good communicator. I grew up in a household where there were all kinds of misunderstandings and tensions, so I'm pretty good with figuring out where the communication falls apart.

But also part of the answer might be that on some things, you accept that your husband isn't going to be clear. Or you know you have to ask all the basic background issues as you discuss an issue. And you have to confirm your interpretation with him each step of the way. Which I know is EXTREMELY tedious. And this is hard in another way because people HATE being told that their words are unclear and confusing. So you'll want to frame this as YOU are getting clear, that you are trying to undo your own confusion as opposed to blaming him for being unclear.

"I'm sorry. I'm kinda lost here. I feel kinda slow. So can you repeat what you said so I can make sure I'm understanding you. My brain's a little slow today ... Did you mean X or do you mean Y." That has a chance of working.

What doesn't work. "You are so unclear. You make no sense. I hate talking to you." All three of those sentences might be genuine feelings in the moment--and they might be accurate!-- but you don't want to go there!

Good luck. Great story.

[Fin12345]

You are a very lucky woman that this is your worst problem!!

[coffeeandweed]

Yeah, you may benefit by being specific with words. Generalities can cause confusion.

I go nuts when the wife changes the subject without a transition. I'm left wondering how a dog could drive a car and stuff like that.

Another hint is to avoid bulleted lists and procedures. Attention defect and all, you know. Just gets jumbled together.

Those are the main problems I have with communication. I hope you can use it to the benefit of you both. I'm 60 now, diagnosed ADHD at 56. I'm now seeing a mental health worker to try and learn what to do to cope with it. I wish you the very best in your endeavour.