Anger at self is ruining my relationship

[mobius171]

I have such anger at myself for messing up everyday. In supporting my partner, thinking I'm saying one thing but ending up being hurtful, not controlling my emotions of fear and anger at myself. Spiraling everytime I'm reminded of it. My partner can't be vulnerable with me because I react so angrily at myself and it comes out as projection from me. I don't know how to ask for help or apologize because I end up repeating my cycles despite therapy, meds. She's hurting, she's trying so hard. I can't find one tip, tool, or trick that works for long. Idk what to do anymore.

[Mamamichl]

what helps me is to have a plan on if something like this happens. My stepkid triggers me with their anxious tics, and I used to yell at him… now I tighten up and walk away. He’s asked me to tell him I need a break and how long I will be but I feel I am already accommodating by walking away.

[Mimmy12]

Feelings come strong for us ADHDers. Have you tried talk therapy? It might be helpful to unpack everything that is built up inside that is making you feel so angry with a neutral party. Therapy can also help you communicate.

[mobius171 in reply to Mimmy12]

Hi there. I'm currently doing CBT, and DBT therapies. Still having the issue too of forgetting/retaining my "therapy tools" in the moment of things happening at times

[Highlysuspect99]

With severe ADHD and autism, I have things go wrong constantly. I've lost more than 1k in cash more than once. I lose an expensive cell phone, sometimes once a year. I lost my wallet twice in one week, lost my car at Christmas time. Furthermore, I am no dummy, I have a very high level of intelligence and with one side of my family all physicians I've never come close to my potential. I get furious when I lose a phone. I quit dealing with cash, I only use my bank card. You can always incorporate a lot of things to cool down the frustration and anger. The wrong move is to take it out on anyone with some people if you flip on them once they write you off for good, some will tolerate more, but everyone at some point will say I've had enough. If it's that bad, medication can help.

You just need to accept that you can do things to help as far as organization and measures to keep from losing things, but the ADHD is never going away, so don't spend your whole life being bitter because the one thing we can't do is live life over again so treat people kindly if you become angry go for a walk let yourself cool down. Good relationships are hard to come by, so don't ruin it by being frustrated and angry. I know how hard that can be sometimes, but once you start being kind instead of angry, you will see how senseless and harmful it is. Good luck

[lkrportland]

I agree with what other folks are saying -- hurting your partner is hurting you. Also, the angerier you become with yourself, the more likely you are to mess up again because strong emotion interferes with executive function. It becomes a self-perpectuating cycle.

For me, LESS IS MORE. More structure, fewer commitments. More systems and safeguards in how I do things, less things to do and/or fewer belongings to keep track of. I do so many things is a ritualistic way, I assume I'm going to forget so I always do things the same way, keep things in the same place, etc. As soon as I deviate from that, I'm toast.

Cut yourself slack. You aren't doing these things on purpose. I'm guessing the spiraling happens BECAUSE you're beating yourself up so much. I know for me, I do that when I'm actually repeating in my head all the things that were yelled at me when I didn't know I had ADHD. Be nicer to you. It will help you be nicer to everyone else.

Self-validation is a crucial part of managing symptoms.

[chlote]

Hi there!

I want to start by saying that I completely resonate with how you are feeling. I was going through a very similar circumstance with my boyfriend not too long ago. Every time he said he was upset or unhappy with something (either related to me or not related to me) I would react by getting upset and angry at myself and wanting to be better and it also made him not feel like he had a safe space to open up.

I've been trying different Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills where you determine what triggers you and address how to handle those feelings in a healthy way. One thing my boyfriend and I have tried is taking 5 minutes of space from one another when we feel that things are getting too spicy. We use phrases like "I feel...because..." which prevents blame placing and helps to get to the root of what is really going on with one another.

Another way you and your partner can work through these moments is to simply change locations in your home or change where you are physically. I've gone on walks with my boyfriend were we've talked about a disagreement we had and it went very well.

Again, these are suggestions, but the one important tip I'll leave you with is to just be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself. It can change the way you see the world and how you show up in your different relationships.