Grief before ending up my relationship

[LuisBarcelona]

I am about to take action and end up the relationship with my boyfriend after 13 years. A caregiver profile Luckily accompanied by a good therapist. But I think I could use a support group for ADHD for this phase of grief and knowledge.I read something that there are online groups but I can't find them. Is anyone in one? Thank you

[STEM_Dad]

Very good idea to look for support. Grief is a difficult process to go through, and much harder without support.

I don't know about ADHD support groups in Spain or Europe, but I suggest searching online specifically for them.

Try searching ADDA (add.org) and adhdeurope.eu for leads. If there isn't already a support group in Spain, then consider starting one.

There might be virtual support groups that might help you. Facebook has lots of public and private groups. It's likely that there's at least one Facebook group that would match what you're looking for, if a virtual support group would interest you.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

LuisBarcelona , to help you through processing grief, also consider support groups that are not specifically for ADHD.

Finding support from others who share similar background, lifestyle, beliefs, values, and other important factors in common can be very beneficial.

I was married. My wife had an affair, and then she divorced me. During that difficult time, I went through therapy, talked with people on an ADHD forum like this (one which sadly has been closed), and I joined a few groups/forums for people who went through similar relationship problems.

* I figured out that it is important to connect with people that you have similarities with you. On one forum for people who had been cheated on, I found maybe 15% of the people were empathetic to me, about 40% were toxic (I think they turned bitter, instead of working through their grief), and most of the rest were lost in their own grief.

* When I found a Facebook group of people with similar values, beliefs, and lifestyle to my own, who had experienced similar relationship problems, I found a lot better support. 90% seemed to be supportive and empathetic, even among many who were deep in their own struggle with grief...it was as if we were consoling one another, sharing each other's pain. (It was a faith-based group, because that's where I found connection. Find a group where you feel comfortable to be your most genuine self.)

[LuisBarcelona in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you so much STEM_Dad ! I see and feel in your message: tender, humanity. I really appreciate everything you share! How difficult it is to show myself vulnerable and how human it is. Everybody fight its own battles. I suffered so much from prejudice that I put on a breastplate.I also like your initiative and proactive attitude. If there isn't any group, create it. And the perspective: wide you look at yourself: everything is not ADHD find a context where you can keep your ego aside. Thanks a lot!

[STEM_Dad in reply to LuisBarcelona]

Exactly. ADHD is a part of us, but it doesn't define who we are. We are so much more.

~~~~~

For example:

I have a lot of similarities with my older son in personality, ADHD traits, even academic strengths. But with all that we have in common, we also each have differences that make us unique.

Obviously, we are different ages and different generations. We have different likes and dislikes. We have different experiences. He is bisexual and gender fluid, while I am heterosexual cis gender. (My son's pronouns are he/they/she ... I should change to 'they', but find it's a difficult adjustment for me. It's a work in progress. I'll practice with and rest of my reply.)

When they had a long-distance girlfriend who ghosted them, it was like my own experience, and I was able to help them through the heartbreak. But when they asked a male friend out and got rejected, I wasn't able to relate completely (I still did my best to reassure them, but they found better support from their LGBTQ friends).

{By the way, they moved on to have a great relationship with one of their friends who supported them, and the two are now engaged. Their fiancee also happens to be ADHD.}

~~~~~

Sorry the story was so complicated. Two of the biggest lessons that I've learned by being a parent are: 1) I'll never have all the answers, and 2) I can learn a lot about life from my kids, if I keep my eyes and ears and heart open.

Anyhow, as social beings, we humans find connection with various people and groups for various reasons. We connect in some ways that seem straightforward, and others that seem surprising.

~~~~~

While you're looking for support groups, remember that we've got a good, helpful, empathetic community here to support you.

Thanks for trusting us and being vulnerable.

[STEM_Dad in reply to LuisBarcelona]

Some things I've learned about grief...[I'll use the 5-Stages of Grief terms: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.]

• It's a process you live through. No matter how bad it seems at it's worst, it will get better with time and giving yourself permission to grieve.

• It doesn't pass from one stage, to the next, to the next. You may go from one stage, to another, and back again. Or, you may even experience two (or more) at the same time, like I did with both Anger & Depression simultaneously at one point.

• You can't control the process, but you can help it along. I chose to accept the grief and accept the reality of the situation that I was grieving (e.g. my wife having fallen in love with someone else, and our marriage coming to an end). I accepted that I'd already done what I could to try to prevent the end of our relationship, and chose to be content with that.

• It will take months. (For some people, it will take longer.)

• Even after you've gone through the grief process completely and you think it's all done, there may be some times in the future when a memory will come up and you will feel some of the grief again in that moment. I've found that it passes again, usually quickly (sometimes it takes a few hours or days). It helps to go on living your life, spend a little time reflecting (maybe ask yourself if there is something that you can learn from the memory).

• When grief is making you feel anxious, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques can help. When grief is making you feel depressed, try doing something normal (start a task or a chore, take a walk, meet with a friend for some conversation, do something that's a little bit active...just not something stressful).

• Be patient and compassionate with yourself, as you would be for a friend.

[LuisBarcelona in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you very much for your words and your insights from your experiences. How useful it is to communicate with words, what happens to us and to be able to feel it. You are being a great support for your son "they" and surely vice versa. Self compassion will be very useful to me right now specifically don't be hard on me. I'd like to face successfuly the bereavement of 13 years as a couple, change and search a new house in a different city closer to my job, the managing of the care of my dependent father from the distance, "new" job that I have been in for a year but I love it a lot. Self-care will be so important. Thanks for your advices. The one I liked it more: activate yourself when you're sad with simple things and with compassion

[Fin12345]

I don’t know a group, but I would be willing to give you some WhatsApp support as you work through it. I am a 60 year old lawyer, who grew up with a narcissistic father and was estranged from my family at the age of 19. So I stayed in unhealthy relationships with men longer than I should have. I also struggled with anxiety and depression.

[LuisBarcelona]

Thank you very much for your support Fin12345 . I am writing to you in private. In my case, in the absence of a family that can support me, I have trustworthy friends and a lot of therapeutic work, but I am always open to discovering new healthy friends that we can help each other. In my case I grew up with a mother with difficulties managing her emotions and relationship problems with dad, and I was her main reason for living. She gave me a lot of love, too much I think and did the best she could with my undiagnosed ADHD and my not coming out of the closet during my teenage years. I also suffered bullying as so many gay children did. But all this has helped me and served me to achieve compensation strategies and being more resilient. My sisters also have ADHD with partners who are one caregiver and the other narcissistic and have more difficulties. My father totally absent in my upbringing. Good person but much more focused on getting to prosper economically than the emotional needs of the family. Now I manage his care with external caregivers.