Letting Go with no guilt attached

[Burnout67]

I do not know what to do anymore....I have to vent, sorry, I know also, I should get assessed because I had so much trouble in school .....but that is another story

About my son who is a very kind young man but very addicted to his games and his videos on xbox which has been told to me by an occupational therapist, that he has to get rid of all screens, all...for him to get to his chores , etc, and it is Hygiene too we are dealing with

I have offered apps (wrote the names down ) , and resources, this site, and youtube names for my adult son to check out (he has Add and I am positive autism. I know his place is a disaster right now because I have not been popping by , which usually becomes me doing this and that for him and he does not say a word and plays his video games. I just do not get him. I got him a mental health worker for a bit but he had to close his file because he offered my son a place he could find some connection to do some projects and he never went then he told him of a zoom adhd group and my son never went to it , even with no video and just listen to it (ok, I know he is not a "group kind of person") so I am now thinking ok. he is not bothered by his chaos and I tell him over and over about why hygiene is so important for his health and future, (employment, relationships) anything related like dishes and laundry, cat box., I am tired of doing reminders and him saying "oh right, I forgot" and he never sets an alarm to be independant and help himself ...He knows I am near 60, I stress about his future, spend so much time trying to figure out what would work for him because where I live, he does not qualify for the supports I am trying to get him as I work with another resources who has parents of autistic adult children that they are not able to care for anymore and they are not under that 70%intelectual , so they fall through the cracks. I am trying to change that but in the mean time I think about my son all the time and other people try to come up with ideas of work for him that could help him but there is always something that will not work because he is a slow worker, focus is not good and I know it is due to his video games too.

Ok , so I would like some advice and opinions from people that may suffer from the same disabilities and even other loved ones who are going through a similar ordeal. I know I have to just let it be so if he asks me for help like he would say can I go supervise while he does this or that, I am to keep him focused....but I am tired of all the effort I have given and I never see any from him ....I was told by him mental health worker that he is not bothered by his dirt and mess....its not clutter, it is dirt, mess and It is chaos....do I let it happen, what ever will be will be....? We can not afford anything so I am not talking coaches and stuff. Maybe down the line, there will be a cleaning who can go in and tackle his dishes and HE would have to pay....am I right? I need help. It is that same thing as usual...I wonder if he struggles enough that he can't do this on his own or do I let him fail like I have been told and hope he learns from it.

Wish I knew 100% that letting him decide if he wants to look at the different help I found for him , is all I need to do then , let go.... I told him I will only pop over if it gets cleaned up {kitchen and cat box beforehand) because I am sensitive to those smells and all it does is depress me ....

I know I have probably asked for similar advice but this is different not... I am really really done...does it sound like he needs to just decide? maybe I've made too many decisions for him because he only trusts me for knowing what's best.

I will post pictures if people do not understand how bad it is .....I really can't figure him out ..🤔😔💔

[OldIndigoBlue]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It sounds like you are just worn out and I get that. I'm 75 years old, but no expert. Late diagnosed at age 73, if I remember right - numbers are a mystery to me sometimes. I have just recently become addicted to the Mahjong games online. I've never had any online addictions before, except for scrolling on social media sites, but this is weird. I now understand how younger folks really can get addicted to playing games online. It really IS an addiction. I guess my old age has taught me one thing - you can't save someone else who doesn't want to be saved. And with your level of burnout and frustration, it sounds like the one person who needs to be saved first is yourself. I wish there was something like Alanon for parents/loved ones of people addicted to gaming - maybe there is? But maybe just going to Alanon would be helpful in letting you let go of trying to save your kid, as painful as that sounds. It may at least help save yourself in terms of some support for what you are going through. Parenting is the toughest job in the world, because we so want to help our kids find their way in this world.... and sometimes we just can't do that. Hand on heart. And yes, you might pursue your own diagnosis, but self-diagnosis is valid. I'm an avid reader and also did 15 months of (thankfully free) therapy to help me process being AuDHD myself. It's an ongoing process of learning as much as I can in order to accept my own issues. And by the way, I have three neurodivergent kids, who in their 30's finally figured out what works for them to be self-sustaining. No guarantees in this life, but sometimes it happens that a kid will just "wake up" and start taking care of themselves. Maybe you getting some support will set an example, but mostly it's important for your own sanity. Sending hopeful wishes your way.....

[Burnout67 in reply to OldIndigoBlue]

Hi, and thankyou so much for your reply. It really helps me when the advice and reasurance is coming from another person who has been there and also going through similar issues as my adult son, like the addiction. Yes, I fully understand also how addictive games, social media, even scrolling can be! My partner, who is not the Dad, but has even bigger issues with his adult children , also finds his game can be addictive and scrolling....mindlessness.., even I admit that yes, it can get ahold of you and I understand too that if you live by yourself, It is even harder. Today, I called him to see how one of his bills was, he got it all figured out and another call done so yes, he is definitely able and it's time I let him do his thing and I let him know that in a very optimistic way, I told him he seemed better today. It was because he got those issues off his mind and did it himself. He is feeling the financial pinch and I told him I know he knows all the ways to apply and to get extra funds from the government for volunteering as a person on disabilities on social assistance. I am taking him to the harvest hamper where everyone who is financially struggling, which is half in this little city, goes to pick up extra food that is donated. He told me his money was used on that bit of groceries . rent and bills them a game and order in food, so I just chatted with him about how he may do things a bit differently next month and that he will have to figure out a way to remember (I have given him ideas and he is smart enough) and he agrees, I noticed he seems more up in his mood . Could be the new game that gives him the dopamine but whatever it is, if he has less to shop with, he will figure it out and he will decide for next time. I know impulsivity is very prevalent with adhd, I have it too...l find it almost like making a habit to ignore or be diligent in what you need to do.

I agree that it may one day just make sense to him as his neurologist told me that by 25 , his adhd son suddenly got it together. I admit, I did not believe him at first and thought it could not be as bad as my son's place ...lol! I have accepted him as he is. I just needed him to be clean and smell good. I guess it is a Mom thing. He is my boy but 25 with a maturity below of course. I was really glad to hear on the phone that he understood where I was coming from with my letting go and him figuring it out (he can always ask me about the app or website he would like to check out )

It sounded like this one already has some ideas and even started to apply on an employment website. My two adult sons are still vulnerable people so I am really upfront about who you cannot trust and where to go to get documents filled out.

Numbers are a mystery to me too and even more is any kind of reading to do with government forms like taxes and benefit forms that speak about deductibles etc... headache time haha

I think you are doing a great job explaining this and I hope I am still able to navigate a computer site in my 70's !! 😉😊

Thank you , I feel even more sure that I did the right thing.