Lack of Crying and Emotional Intelligence

[mrb3000]

I would like to know if this is an ADHD thing, or one of my separate things. I have alexithymia, meaning I am not good at identifying, labeling, or feeling in my body emotions. I cycle between happy and irritated. My inability to cry may also be related to this. I remember crying a handful of times as a kid, and I remember rage crying as a teenager. There has not been a time since then, and I am 38 years old. My mom died, my dad died, divorce still no tears. Is this a part of ADHD? (I just remembered crying 13 years ago hitting rock bottom with addiction and a divorce.)

[FindingTheAnswers]

Good question. I believe (thought) its from the way I was trained while growing up. If I showed or tried to talk about something, usually that made it worse (I’d feel worse after trying to talk to family, then I did before). So I learned to keep quiet. (Bottle those feelings up or just sweep them under the rug with the rest of the family crap!). Now I’m too….. blocked up. Rarely can I let it out.

As far as emotions or emotional intelligence, I’m not sure what to say. For some of us, I’d say the Mental Health community has a lot to figure out the relationship between ADHD and emotions. I feel I was so far behind most people as far as some of life’s basics, such as emotions (Emotions? Feelings? What are those? I’m writing this and thinking; are people going to believe me or will they realize just how F’n crazy I was/am?). I don’t know how many years it took to get a handle on this. I’m still working on it. There’s also RSD-Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. I’m more in tune to other people’s emotions (because mine don’t matter?) and I can feel more than empathy. Which brings on co-dependency? I don’t know, obviously I haven’t figured it out yet.

I’m interested in what others have to say (is this more of an issue for guys?) Thanks for your honesty.

[Chozopriest in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

I'm silent about 85% of the time. From constantly being yelled at growing up, too many random thoughts to articulate, the sound of my own voice often echoes and hurts my own head inside.

[STEM_Dad]

I think it's more likely due to your alexithymia, likely at least in part due to masking, and possibly that you are also on the autism spectrum (which would require assessment by a professional who is familiar with autism).

ADHD is often related to difficulty moderating emotions.

At the same time, many people with ADHD develop a coping mechanism known as "masking". Masking is a learned behavior, usually to fit in with others (usually neurotypical peers). It's like the saying "fake it 'til you make it", except that we often don't know that we're doing it.

People with autism may experience or display emotions differently than neurotypical people would.

Here's the thing about emotions...I don't believe she emotions are necessarily "wrong". Your emotions are an indicator of what you are experiencing in the moment.

Not crying outwardly doesn't mean that you don't experience the feelings inwardly that typically produce tears.

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I'm an American male, and there's a strong social standard that "men don't cry". So I almost always have to get somewhere alone to allow myself to cry. This is masking that I'm completely aware of, because I don't want to be labeled as emotionally unstable, even though I know my emotions are normal. (It's my particular neurology + psychology + biology + personality makeup that's unique... just as much as everyone else is, really.)

-----

If you think that you have any trauma or psycholical needs which need addressing, then I would encourage you to get therapy.

But not being able to cry, considered by itself, doesn't seem like a problem to me. Since it is concerning to you, it is something that you should discuss with a mental health professional.

[mrb3000 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Maybe I didn't phrase the question as well as I could have Alexathimia and not crying go hand-in-hand. My question was are these two things, or this issue, very common with people with ADHD or is it a separate issue.

[STEM_Dad in reply to mrb3000]

I don't know how common alexithymia is with ADHD.

I know that I saw this post on another forum, that mentions it:

forums.howtoadhd.com/t/heal...

**(NOTE: that forum is being taken down on Feb 28th...in 3 days!)**

I did a quick web search for "Alexithymia and ADHD". No mentions by CHADD.org or ADDitideMag.org, but I found this site:

neurodivergentinsights.com/...

The infographic says "between 20-44% of ADHDers also have alexithymia".

(I haven't fact-checked that stat, but it seems likely.)

Google also mentioned a few research articles investigating the connection.

[clearnew in reply to mrb3000]

My honest (and unprofessional) opinion is that it does not have to do with ADHD. I’ve got what I believe to be severe ADHD and I cry. I try and stifle it like we men have been trained to do but I cried uncontrollably when my Mom had a stroke right in front of us and died.

I hope you don’t beat yourself up or feel like there’s something wrong with you for it though. If you have alexathimia then that is just you and your condition. It says nothing to how you feel about your family etc.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to STEM_Dad]

Your paragraph that starts with ‘I’m an American male…’ Yes.

ADHD… difficult…. emotions… Yep.

I’m writing this and I’m hiding behind an Avatar, and I’m still worried someone will find out who I am and ridicule me (Masking? Yes. I’m guessing that I’m worried I’m not good enough at it).

[mrb3000 in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

this site is intended to be anonymous so you can be free of those fears. Enjoy it.

[Gettingittogether]

Well ADHD is a condition of not being able to regulate ourselves well, not being able to regulate our emotions well. So in that sense I suppose not being able to cry might have some connection to ADHD.

[STEM_Dad]

I know that for some people with emotional dysregulation, there can be a fine line between sadness and anger.

...Sadness can cause a person to feel hurt.

...Feeling hurt can trigger angry outbursts. ("Emotional pain often causes people to respond in anger." ~Dr. Joe Beam, Marriage Helper, paraphrased)

I can't stress this enough! It's very human (not just neurodivergent human, but neurotypicals as well) to be reactionary when we feel hurt.

----

On top of that, grief is a convoluted process. It's been long believed that grief has five stages (though some researchers believe there may be more, or different than these):

-Denial

-Anger

-Bargaining

-Depression

-Acceptance

Grief can be a long process. The stages don't follow any particular order. It's possible for stages to overlap. It's possible to go though stages multiple times. And it's possible to go though grief for the same thing multiple times in life (even if you thought you had fully grieved over that particular loss).

You can grieve for a person (or pet/ animal), relationship, job, missed opportunity... anything or anyone that's important to you.

And you can grieve deeply and completely without shedding a single tear. (Crying is a bodily function. Sadness is an emotion. Grief is a process. -- The act of crying can be very cathartic for some, but not crying when you're sad or grieving doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.)

[Gettingittogether in reply to STEM_Dad]

Really thoughtful STEM_Dad .

Reminds me of my mother's funeral. My father, who was in wheelchair in the aisle of the church (I was on the bench next to him with my arm around him) didn't cry.

Instead, he dropped his head, and closed his eyes, left hand on top of his head. That was his posture when he felt utterly defeated, hopeless and empty. Funny, I didn't see tears, but that didn't mean anything to me because I saw how distraught he was. And I knew his gestures. When he got sad, he dropped his head and fell into a deep silence.

[iBusyBrain]

ADHD is a prefrontal cortex condition--specifically affecting the ability to focus. The emotional symptoms you describe sounds more like temporal lobe issues. Living with ADHD often brings emotional aspects with it...but it isn't an emotional thing in and of itself.

[STEM_Dad in reply to iBusyBrain]

One of the things that the prefrontal cortex does is allow us to moderate emotions, decide how to respond to them.

True, having an impairment in PFC functioning doesn't make us more emotional. However, it makes it more difficult to self-govern how our emotions make us behave.

So, for anyone with ADHD who also has a comorbidity that affects their emotions, they might be more prone to respond "inappropriately". (My primary comorbidity is anxiety; for others it may be autism, OCD, depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, or others that affect emotions.)

[Chozopriest]

I think it's a thing I've developed to manage my input/outputs. With so much information coming in, and all the emotional responses internally, it's just so much easier to shut down extra bs. It's the control I can exert.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Chozopriest]

That makes sense. We all develop coping mechanisms.

For some, it's self-soothing behaviors. For others, it may be "self-medication" to distract from or dull the sensations.

I'm not surprised that some of us exert extra control as a coping mechanism.

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

ADHD female in her early 40's here. I also have depression, anxiety and complex PTSD. For the longest time, I didn't cry with sad things, but I do cry when I'm incredibly frustrated and/or faced with conflict. I wasn't allowed by my mother to challenge her/ask questions. She's 80 now and still the same, but she can no longer physically punish me, so she does it with her words. The family have figured out that she's likely narcissistic with her own deep traumas, depression, etc. That said, I had a challenging adolescence and did not have parents around/available (they were both doctors, worked some weekends and paid others to raise my sister and I). Throughout the years, I've had male and female partners ask me how I'm feeling and state that they don't know. I felt like it was obvious, but it's clearly not. Recently, a friend who also has difficulty with /around emotions showed me the emotions and feelings wheel. It is a helpful tool for me to review and pull out to help me find my words and process what's going on. davidhodder.com/emotion-and...

Also, I've always been 'different'. A few years ago I met with a special psychologist to test for learning disorders or something that was preventing me from being able to "get" or pick up how to do things the way others do. I tested negative for everything, but in the end after talking a little more, the provider identified that I have some rigid thinking traits, but she wasn't concerned for Autism.

[Accomplish]

Oh what a tangled web!? I could understand where this could be a combination of both diagnoses. ADD is characterized by difficulty to empathise and thus difficulty with crying. Masking symptoms which is common could also be a problem. I have recently become aware that many therapists consider ADD and anxiety are symptoms of PTSD, which certainly could contribute esp if your childhood had any kind of abuse. Even just having ADD leads to loss of self esteem as others are rolling their eyes or deriding your actions or worse. It would be great if you could make your way to a specialty ADD clinic for the best trained management. There may be clinics that do telehealth care. And, whatever the cause, I think trained and caring psychological support would be so helpful for you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is being showmen to be effective, it Involves practical and logical exploration and tips that could ease your distress. Eye movement therapy therapy is supposed to be very effective? And my last sudden thought, in line with others, we may not cry but that does not mean we do not have grief inside emotionally.And we could learn to express that in other compensatory ways. Take a meditative walk. Send a "I am thinking of you" to those who are suffering, etc. . I am thinking of art therapy and especially the neurographic art technique. It is simple and you do not have to be artistic at all. You can Google how to do it online. Just draw the aimless lines and color it in. It is the process that helps. This photo is of my first attempt and it "blew my.mind" when it ended up looking like a brain!?

I so hope you can find some peace of mind. It is a tough road to hoe. Just don't give up, be persistent however long it takes. Sending positive strength vibes your way.

Neurographic Art