Anybody out there feel anxious/guilty about EVERYTHING?

[amy_for_real]

Hey...

After a lifetime of always kind of screwing up/wading through chaos/forgetting all kinds of important things/etc...

I started a new job the week before last (in education, so I am committed for the year) and it's been so stressful--everything about this classroom setting is different from my last one and I have to learn and implement basically every piece of everything. I'm working tons, feeling like I have to get it all right from the beginning, etc. It's really starting to wear on me.

I want to be able to create boundaries, so that I feel like whatever I get done in a reasonable amount of time or however long it takes me to figure out how to teach in this setting is okay. I don't know how to do this!!

I'm like "Amy, just get Zen about it, just get Zen." I can't figure out how to!

And then this morning, I tested positive for COVID.

I didn't feel well yesterday, but Sunday night I tested negative. I was like "Okay, it's just a cold." of course I forgot to test Monday morning--I was just thinking "cold" and my mind was full of all my tasks I would walk into at work. I masked the entire day, of course. Throughout the day, I started to feel worse, but honestly, I thought I was just rundown with a non-Covid cold. I have been feeling rundown for the past week and a half BIG TIME and taking Covid tests regularly.

Last night when I got home I went to bed immediately, tested a friend and the program manager, then fell asleep. I did not wake up until the morning. The thing is, I should have taken a test when I got home, but...I forgot. I just didn't even think about it because...I always forget important things. Sure, I was tired. Sure, I fell asleep for the rest of the day. I probably would have tested if I had woken up, but I should have tested before I fell asleep.

I just....forget...everything.

And so now I feel like I have left the classroom in chaos, I did not even have sub plans on deck (I have not even developed a consistent system of activities--the materials have been coming in and I have been focusing on behavior and structure) and I feel like everyone will be mad and disappointed in me.

I guess that's what it comes down to--I am worried that everyone will be mad at me and disappointed in me.

I don't want to feel that way all the time. I just want to do the best I can and not worry all the time. I want to enjoy my life. I want to be able to create boundaries with work because it is absorbing so much of my time and energy.

Also, I do take Concerta and I have been off it for a few days--I had tried a higher dose and didn't feel comfortable with it, so I stopped taking in and just got the new prescription yesterday. I'm sure that affected my mood/performance, but I do feel this way even when medicated.

Also, by getting Covid I ruined a fun weekend my whole family has been looking forward to for a while, me included.

Does anyone ever feel these things? Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for reading this long post!

[MemphisAdhd1988]

Hi Amy, thanks for sharing. I understand how you feel, am right there with you. First off, you shouldn't beat yourself up about getting COVID. I am sure your family loves you and understands you have no control over it. As far as catching up, can you simplify your list. Break items into smaller items. It will seem like more/longer list but hopefully the smaller/quicker items to check off the list will help with your mentality. Do you have close teacher friends you could talk to, maybe ask for some help. I hope that if they are friends they will understand. Maybe they could share their sub plans. Please keep fighting and I am sure consistent meds will help. Good Luck, we are here for you.

[FindingTheAnswers]

Feel anxious/guilty about EVERYTHING? Yes. And yes again. As soon as the Adderall starts to wear off, it's like there's a small spark in the back of my mind. As time goes on, the spark gets bigger and bigger. The way it sneaks up is insidious. By the timeI realize it's time for my next dose of may Rx, I'm on the way to being miserable. Or already miserable. Old, emotional hurts and memories start coming back and bring the Anxiety and Depression back again. And sometimes even when I know I need my next dose, I'll delay taking it. Because. Because I deserve to feel anxious/guilty? (Some of this is bad programing from my dysfunctional family I grew up in).

You said "I don't want to feel that way all the time. I just want to do the best I can and not worry all the time. I want to enjoy my life". Me too. Well said. We both need to keep trying. Keep pushing forward. Best of luck to you. Even more so, I wish you relief (peace of mind0.

[LotsOfSunshine]

Dear amy_for_real,

I so identified with the feelings you expressed. While reading, I thought, “My gosh, this sounds like me in scenarios I was in during my working life.”

Firstly, your health matters greatly. So, I hope YOUR experience with Covid is one where your body recovers quickly and does not have lingering fatigue. Be kind to yourself.

As you recover, and eventually return back to work, allow yourself to soak in a reality that YOU are OK. That statement is NOT overlooking the struggles of your ADHD. The feelings you have are real and struggles are real, but… as you navigate that, breathe deeply, and also KNOW that YOU like everyone else is HUMAN. It doesn’t mean going lax, or striving for less of yourself, but it may help you shed and not carry such a critical attitude of yourself in a way that becomes layered bigger and bigger. I know that may sound easier said than done, but it’s a matter of TRUTH in which there is some peace. Along with that, I convey a big hug!

You sound very conscientious. I liked the suggestion MemphisAdhd1988 gave of breaking up a list into smaller bite-sized pieces on a list.

Please know you are not alone. 😊

[Hominid711]

How about adding an antidepressant/anti-anxiety drug to your Concerta?I'm pretty happy on mine.

[FindingTheAnswers]

The flip side to this is, how many people are there in the world that SHOULD feel anxious/guilty about things they've done in their life? But just don't care?

[sharkticon]

More than anything I can feel for you. I almost lost my job, and let a lot of people down while trying to find the right medication and get some good therapy. Really, you are good enough the way you are, and you don't have to live up to anyones expectations. And that is good advice, but it doesn't change the fact you need this job for your lively hood.

I have this crazy Idea, but feel inspired that it might help you.

try not to focus on everything. think to yourself in kind of a meditative way, I can do this one task, and then just start on that, and then think about how good it feels to type, move your hands and body and do what whatever it is that I needs to be done first. And I don't hurry, enjoy the work you have to do. And then pick up the next task. Pretend that the rest don't exist. Only the highest priority task exists until it is done. And even though you might want to do other things, this is not bad. It feels good to be alive and to be doing something. Make a prioritized checklist first. That is the first task. Pretend like another you or a clone of you has to do all the other tasks, your job is just to write down and prioritize what all the tasks are. Then the next you can start on the next task.