After being diagnosed with ADHD in my 40's, and then doing a lot of reading on it, I believe that ADHD is the root cause of much of my families dysfunction. Before I was diagnosed, I tried to figure out what made my family be as crazy as they were, (including me). In my mid 30's, I would talk to some of my Aunts/Uncles, who told me some family stories - that I wouldn't be told to me as a kid. Probably, when I was a kid, you just did't talk about family problems (keep those skeletons hidden! Just pretend it doesn't exist. You can't talk about Grandpa's alcoholism, etc).
The other problem is that the previous generation instills upon their kids, their weird habits and especially in how to NOT properly deal with problems that come up in everybody's life.
And then the next generation does the same thing to their kids. Repeat, and repeat, and......
I've tried talking to several remaining family members about ADHD and it's negative affects on everyone in our family. But they don't believe me, or care? But certainly they don't want to change.
In my family there is alcoholism and other substance abuse, suicide, infidelity. And many who just don't get "IT", whatever IT is, because it's so hard to define. It's feels like I grew up in a circus.
This will be very difficult for some to answer, especially on a public forum, even though we're all disguised as an Avatar, and under a made up name. It will feel like Betrayal. Betrayal because you'll feel as if you'll be talking negatively (hurting, bad-mouthing) your parents, etc. Even though you'll be telling the truth, there's still the over whelming love for them, and the desire to have the relationship you always wanted (and deserved), but never got from your parents. Of course, you can tell how little or how much as you want to share.
Contentment, peace of mind, and most importantly---Relief, to all.
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A lot of that sounds familiar. I never discussed emotions and feelings with my parents. I don’t blame them at all. Please read my bio for more info about my experiences. Thank you for sharing.
Feelings? What are those? This was never discussed in my family. Seriously, if I showed certain emotions, things would be worse. So I learned to keep quiet (I don't know how old until I was able to verbalize them. I still struggle to accept them).
Just read your bio. I do feel for you. AND your wife!I seek abd always have sought out the same distractions from a very young age whereby with the high stimulus environment I share that experience (ED in a very busy inner city hospital), with the sex I don't any more.
I sacrificed that along the way.
First let me say that I lean towards the idea - doing lots of pop research - that for evolutionary reasons more of men have that drive than women including wanting sex with other women, and unfortunately and obviously that's putting their relationships at risk. But although we share a lot of DNA with bananas we still are mostly apes' cousins.
Women tend to look for potential husband and father material. Not all of course but more. A nest. A different relationship approach and aim. And I, being one of them, seeking out both sex and romance/security/nest would experience so much heartache along the way that since 2002 or so I only ever occasionally thought I have a go. Instead I have increasingly contented myself knowing a good many people, having existing and still making new excellent friendships and work relationships and warm loving ones with my niece and nephews.
Something is obviously missing but I believe I need a good few issues therapied out of me before my next go.
Until then life can still be sweet.
I wish you all the very best. If your wife can tolerate it and you haven't done it much yet do write or talk to her about your ADHD. And what's in your heart. Even if there is no reply it may be cathartic.
Just jumping onto the site for a moment.I can relate 100%. I have 4 siblings and a relative substantial amount of cousins. At a reunion of my mother's cousins' descendants in April some truths came out and underlined my suspicion that my mother might have had a personality disorder or 2 or ADHD or autism etc. I find multiple dysfunctional behaviour, communication and relationship patterns and they do get passed down and around when you start digging.
I found this link helpful and another that explains the 10 or so PD types. Might find the 2nd when I have more time later.
Having been the odd one out (at best), also the only one that stood up to my mother early in life, who ultimately got away and has been somewhat of an official scapegoat for at least the last 6 years to 2 of my siblings (who both - I believe - have traits of ODD) I have had my share of ill will, being gaslighted/lit and alienated.
A third sibling I and my one older sister think has ADHD is currently scheduled to attend a PD clinic. His wife made the appointment and after initially having slight reservations (not outspoken) I now wholeheartedly agree that both would be a way forward. And perhaps him going will make it easier over time for the others to go too. Things ARE kept under the carpet in our family but also in the culture of the region of Southern Germany I come from. I hope for the one with dissociative sleeping attacks/black outs who last year collapsed, was admitted, had all the usual physical causes ruled out, was diagnosed as the above highly expressive psychogenic disturbance and continues to have them but refuses professional psych input. She is my greatest tormentor yet even after they learnt of these "strange turns" the family keeps quiet.
My greatest hope is that eventually they all go and undergo a psychiatric assessment.
If I can learn from public sources that ADHD and PD are connected I can trust Psychiatry that they know.
Sadly until they do they will continue to do harm. Not just to me.
Even if your family members do seek out diagnosis and treatment, there is still no guarantee they'll get the right help they need. I took my great-nephew to my psychiatrist. I talked to the Dr about my Great-Nephews habits, etc, before they met. I even left a note with my Dr describing what he does. He did not diagnose him with ADHD. Whatever the diagnosis was and the Rx he was given, did not work (My sister, would point to him (to her, this would be her grandson), See! See what he's doing! That's your uncle (me) right there! You want to know what your Uncle was like, look right there!)
As far as being the odd one out and scapegoat... yes, I'm right there with you. Some may have read this before: I continue to look for my Adoption papers. Because there is no waythat I can be related to these people!
Regardless, Never Give Up! Keep trying when you're able-because as you know, this will drain everything out of you.
Yes, ADHD gets passed down and can cause dysfunction ... But it's bigger than that. Families with ADHD also have lots of depression and anxiety ... without treatment, people with those conditions begin self-medicating in all sorts of ways. So yes, you have addiction problems of all kinds.
And with all that stress comes feelings of failure and shame and pain of all sorts (that people can't quite articulate) ... without some real full-blown mental health innovations, chaos and dysfunction is likely to emerge, with sadly, people being clueless about the real origins of their problems.
Not ashamed of saying that at all. Not even close to being ashamed or feeling like I am betraying the family by doing so.
In fact, several members of my family figured out that we had some serious brain dysfunctions that were causing problems. We just couldn't get ahead of these problems and some people with the worst problems didn't ever get diagnosed for anything.
All true. When you said 'that people can't quite articulate' - oh, yeah. Another part of ADHD Hell. It always seemed out of reach and so I couldn't grasp it no matter how hard I tried. And tried..... If you can't put it in to words, how can you properly convey it to some else? Especially to a Mental Health Pro.
Forget not being able to describe problems precisely to a mental health professional. That is real, for sure. But ... when you don't have any language or insight or category that you can fit your problems into, you may not even know you should go to a mental health provider in the first place.
I had a close relative who was severely ADHD. Well others in the family got diagnosed and told him (politely) that he needed to get diagnosed and treated ASAP. I think he was just too old (mid 60's) to do anything or make any sense of this information. Didn't even try to get treated.
Your 1st paragraph is very true. In order to solve any problem , the 1st is finding out what the problem is. After years of seeing every type of Mental Health Pro, ADHD was never brought up. Certainly not by me, as ADHD was no where on my radar (ADHD? That's a kids disorder).Your 2nd paragraph is very sad. At least some of his life could have been much improved. That being said, it's the same in my family. They don't want to change, not even look in to it. Part of it was because it was me bringing up (why?). I don't know what they think about me bringing up ADHD. Somehow I'm still on the outside looking in. And it doesn't have to be this way. I imagine what life, and also the relationships between family members, would be like, if we all were treated for ADHD. Also sad.
I would agree that it's possible that many people in my dad's family have had ADHD and never got diagnosed. We also have a family history of substance abuse, mental illness, and suicide or suicidal behavior. My dad was diagnosed bipolar for awhile, and recently got a new diagnosis of borderline personality disorder after he went to the doctor thinking he might have ADHD. I think he displays a lot of the symptoms of it, hyperactivity in particular, but he isn't interested in pursuing the diagnosis. The psychiatrist he sees now didn't agree so he doesn't want to hear anything else about it. His mom was a battered wife, so she wasn't the most loving mother and would tell him and his 4 siblings that none of them were very smart so it's a good thing they're attractive. I think my dad is intelligent, but he isn't focused, he's very insecure, he overeats, drinks too much when he does, he was emotionally volatile when I was younger, he can't sit still (constantly bouncing his leg and he bites his nails like I do), and he got into trouble a good bit in school.
He's very chatty and has struggled with addiction and complex trauma all of my life, and he started drinking hard liquor as a 15-year-old. He has a lot of other things that I see as symptoms, but he prefers not to consider it. I don't know a lot about my father's father, but he was a violent guy who took his own life and struggled with binge eating, self-harm, and substance abuse heavily. I believe there is a good chance I inherited my ADHD from him, because my next closest relative that has it is my mom's brother.
Anyway you could, for lack of a better term, get your Dad's psychiatrist to try an experiment? As in you go with your Dad to his appt and give him some of you ADHD Rx-with his Dr's permission!
If you're having good good results with your ADHD Rx (including knowing about how long it takes to kick in). That amount of time would have to figured into the time your Dad took the Rx, vs making sure it does kick in while he's with the Dr, the Dr would be able to see for himself any changes. I know there's a lot of stumbling blocks to overcome with this, as well as phone calls, planning, and other things. The last appt that my Nephew was to have with my psychiatrist, this what what the Dr and I agreed to. But my nephew cancelled the appt, and never talked with this Dr again. I was so, sooo very close, to getting him/one other family member besides myself, on a better path. Talk about being discouraged and disheartened.
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