Too many responsibilities

[Prairiefrontporch]

my 65 year old mom has dependant & avoidant personality disorders. She has relied on me to make major decisions since my father passed at 12. Her self esteem is so low that she will not make decisions or ask people to treat her properly. I have managed her life for 25 years. I have watched her be mistreated in relationships with little opportunity to help. Sometimes she would even hide the mistreatment from me. It was torture for an 18 year old kid, and then again a 24 yr old mom of twins - with adhd. My whole life I have been the parent. My brother has Down’s syndrome and lives with her on a granny suite on our house. To this day I must manage both their lives . My brother had the mental ability of a 4 year old, and mistreats her. She takes any intervention of mine as a personal attack. It’s exhausting. I have 4 kids if my own . I have adhd and sometimes can handle manage my own life let alone everyone else. I’m so weighed down. I can hardly find any information on avoidant or dependent personality disorders. My mother also avoids people for fear of criticism. She sits in a dim room with the curtains closed. When I was a kid I had to get the mail and cut the lawn as she would never go outside . I’m 38 now and I’m tired of it . Just needing to vent. Thanks for listening . This group has been a lot of help to me

[CreationInProgress]

Wow that's a lot to handle for one person and for so long... It's ok to vent we are here to listen and it's perfectly fine whatever makes you feel better.

When I was reading it you reminded me of that statue that is holding the world. You are doing a lot for your family. My mom it's also going through hard times and it's mentally and physically exhausting. So you should feel proud of yourself but you have to disconnect sometimes and take time for yourself because you are already doing more than you should. Don't let them take advantage of you, you may be a caregiver but you also have a life and your own responsibilities.

If at some point you feel that you need to talk to someone you can write me in private.

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to CreationInProgress]

Thanks

[wtfadhd]

wow, that is ALOT🥹

what type of information on avoidant personality n dependent personality are you even looking for? because it seems to me, given your life experience, that you are kind of an expert on both already!! even though you dont want to be! ugh

personality disorders are simply a bunch of maladaptive thoughts n behaviors n ways of doing life that are self defeating to the person and make healthy relationships with others pretty rocky too. vacillating between being an easy target for abuse- and also being a significant burden on others bc ya havent learned to have a personality that is healthy n a joy to be around. thats really what a personality disorder boils down to.

there are lots of reasons people develop a particular set of these maladaptive ways but even if you could tack it down to your moms specific etiology….. it doesnt change anything or lighten your load

what you are describing sounds sooo overwhelming- and you are trying to raise your own kids to be healthy, AND doing it all with ADHD too. 🥹❤️🥹❤️🥹❤️

i think us humans have the natural tendency to analyze situations n the people involved, seek understanding of the “ why” and then try to make others see themselves thru this lens and we so deeply want others to use this info to “ fix” themselves. and consequently bring peace to the situation.

and although this model of thinking works very well in corporations n work settings. it absolutely does not work when trying to create harmony in a dysfunctional family

harmony in our family is always a worthy cause. but when we try to achieve that by changing others bad behavior- it will always be frustrating and prob pointless

i hear what u r saying n sending lots of good vibes your way.

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to wtfadhd]

Thanks

[PinkPanda23 in reply to wtfadhd]

Thoughtful response, very insightful, applicable to so many situations! Thank you!

[Mamamichl]

that definitely is a lot on your plate. I wonder what would happen to them if you passed away suddenly (knock on wood). Have you looked into getting them federal/state help? There are agencies that send out care providers free of charge for people that need it through the government.

I’M so sorry you are going through this. You are always welcome to vent here. Zen hugs 🫂

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to Mamamichl]

Thanks. Thankfully my husband would step in , and she does have a sister too that would pro help out. Thanks for thinking about that that’s a good question

[Mamamichl in reply to Prairiefrontporch]

As a teacher, I’ve learned it’s important that people rely on multiple people for support. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you set yourself up for failure.

[BlessedLady]

You need to see a psychologist or therapist. It would be great if your mom would do the same but I doubt she will. It would help you to have a professional to talk to that might be able to be of more help than just listening.

[Prairiefrontporch]

I ended up getting a therapist this week. Thank you so much each of you