My 6 year old trying to kiss girls

[Gratitude2015]

So my son has adhd. Everyday we pick him up its something New. Today he has been trying to kis the girls and cussing. I am so frustrated, we follow through with consequences and he continues to repeat the same mistakes. I feel lost today and my stomach is in knots. What do I do? It's sick that I told myself well at least he is not hitting anymore. It's all wrong. How do I get him to stop hitting, cussing, touching the other kids. Last week was OK this week is bad again.

[Unseelie]

Disclaimer of I Don't Have Kids but I acted up in similar ways as a child. Have you asked him why he does those things? I remember acting up in similar ways and it was more often than because I didn't understand why my actions were inappropriate or because my peers provoked me until I reached a breaking point.

A strategy could be something like, after both you and your son have calmed down a bit from the emotions of finding out what he's been doing and his emotions of facing consequences, tell him you'd like to talk to him about what he's been doing at school. Reassure him he's not in trouble, and ask if he wants to talk about it, like in an hour or after dinner. Give him a timeframe to choose from so that he has control over the discussion too. And ask him, without judgement, why he wants to kiss girls at school or why he wants to cuss. And keep asking why, because I can see a "because i wanna" being a response too. "Do you think it's fun? Did someone tell you to do it? Do you like her?" And validating his feels and telling him it's scary for the girls he likes to be kissed, like put his classmate's feelings into context and help him understand why it's not ok.

These ideas come from a therapy I've done in the past, DBT. Just so you know I'm not just kinda babbling, lol. What have you tried with your son already?

[Gratitude2015 in reply to Unseelie]

Thank you so much for your reply. You have made me look at this with a different approach.

[Hidden]

Hi Gratitude, I dealt with some similar experiences with my son, and I am still dealing with related issues. When he was six, my son seemed quite skilled at kissing girls, or being kissed by girls, and, um, yeah, everyone is different and there are no easy answers. I am not sure what you mean by follow through on consequences, but that issue is especially challenging. Similar to at least some other people on this forum, I have HATED myself for being unable to focus on be productive for years. So, for me, I still struggle with not trying to blame my son for things that I know that he can't control, especually for things that I still can't control myself (I have gotten better but I still struggle with my anger management for example). Absolutely, it is essential to make clear that certain behaviors are unacceptable, but often it may be most effective to do so in a nonjudgemental way. Not enough sleep? Hungry? Too much sugar or junk food? Bored? Not enough physical activity? Too much tv or electronics? Many of these things can be directly related to bad behaviors and addressing them can be more productive than yelling at a kid that can't control himself. Yes, I have yelled at my son and struggled to be an ok parent and am still struggling. Nonjudgmental patience and focusing on things that are easier to control can help improve unacceptable behaviors.

[Gratitude2015 in reply to Hidden]

Wow. Thank you so much for replying!!! I know ai have really been practicing my patience but some days I'm not very good. Thank you so much for sharing about your son also!

[Doodledoodledoo]

I think big actions are often results of big feelings. Recognizing that everyone has big feelings, and that sometimes those feelings are hard to deal with, (parents get them too!) and helping your child to learn how to notice those feelings and do something else with them that is not harmful to others can be great. (Maybe they need to run a lap around the house, or snap toothpicks or something) but I also wanted to add that because kissing girls is one of the ways this big feelings behavior is showing up, that this might be a great time to start planting seeds about consent. “Did you ask Sarah if she wanted to be kissed?” “Kissing is ok if you ask the person if they would like a kiss and they say yes.” “When it comes to kissing, you have to ask first. If someone says no, we say ok!” And then practice it together. And I think it’s also good to model that behavior by asking kids if they would like kisses and hugs and if they say no, showing them that you just say “ok I understand you don’t want a hug right now.” And leaving it at that. So often we force kids to hug and kiss their relatives out of a sense of politeness when they don’t want to, and I think this can be confusing. Especially when we then ask them not to force their friends to hug and kiss them.

[Gratitude2015 in reply to Doodledoodledoo]

I am so grateful for your reply. You have made me see this in a different light... Thank you

[Hominid711 in reply to Gratitude2015]

Hi Gratitude, just been looking at people's contributions here and naturally have ended up with older ones like yours. I don't know if you are still on this forum but somehow your story "grabbed" my attention.I'm intrigued. How is it by now going with your son? I'm asking since I think I totally understand both of you (I might be wrong of course). I was a very tactile child at your son's age, at the same time moderately anxious about making friends and very much in need of love, both received and to be allowed to give. There can be other motivations behind being a tactile child than what mine was, and it's btw and in my opinion also just a very endearing way of expressing oneself, but sometimes there may be a need for more hugs, kisses and cuddles generally. My parents weren't up for that but I can see it on my dad's old slides of us kids that I loved hugging, facial contact (kisses, rubbing noses, just a face in a face, after all we have evolved that way to use our faces) and other physical contact such as playfighting with uncles and aunties (a girl with ADHD, tolerated up to a point), so I guess that came into it, too. But mainly the need for hugs and kisses in a very general way, obviously from people I knew and loved myself, and first and foremost from "care givers".

Another idea I was having was perhaps letting him try a sport like judo or wrestling where he has plenty of physical contact to compensate perhaps for what others won't let him do when he wants to express himself. And catching him unawares when HE is not up for it planting wet kisses on his face and when he tries to wriggle away in disgust, telling him that this is how it feels when one doesn't want to be kissed, in a kind parenting way obviously, not punitively.

Anyway, I was just interested as I feel for your son. After all, it's us adults who make it complicated for him. His playmates would sooner or later be successful in their feedback/reactions.