19 year old I. Limbo

[ng24]

I have a 19 year old inattentive ADD son. He graduated last year. Quit community college in October and still does not have a job. He keeps saying he’s looking. Doesn’t want to talk about it. Has anyone gone through this? What did you do? I don’t give him money

My older child is the opposite. She is about to graduate college and has always worked hard. She is non ADD.

Is this and ADD thing? Thanks I. Advance

[GatsbyCat]

Hi, ng24~

Was your 19 year old son diagnosed with ADD ever? Do you have ADD? It can be genetic, so it sometimes helps to look at family.

Lots of times, students don't really know especially in their first year what they want to do. Going to community college now, he could just fulfill the general requirements, then transfer to a 4 year university for his specialized degree.

Does he have any hobbies that he really loves to do? If yes, then maybe he could take classes and pursue it professionally. There are also testing centers that could help him decide what he might want to do. The premier test used is Myers–Briggs Type Indicator Test.

Also, did he tell you his grades at community college? Was he doing well or not? You might consider having a chat about that matter.

Does he have a social life or friends? Are they a good influence or not? Maybe if he goes back to college, he could join a club. This is a great time for young adults to make new friends that are positive.

Ask your daughter if she knows if anything is going on. Siblings often confide in each other.

If your son is not actively looking for a job, maybe volunteering could be helpful. Food banks, Goodwill and other local organizations always need reliable volunteers.

It sounds like he might be depressed rather than have ADHD. Talk to your son, and ask him what is wrong. Make it super non confrontational. Just say how much you love him and want him to be happy.

If you can make a doctors appointment, go in with him and talk to the doctor about these issues. They can help you determine what is really going on. Get him tested for ADHD so that you know for sure.

And look into support groups.

Here's a good magazine:

additudemag.com/

It sounds like you are a very supportive parent.

[Hidden in reply to GatsbyCat]

You want to definitely find out if he is ADHD it should be poking you in the eye. Because for people with ADHD could really do anything , but we tend to flat out waste time and become lost in translation. My grandparents literally would give us anything and always just giving us money, although I worked busted my as* , but my brother didn't then and has a bachelors, but 15 years later he has still never worked. The difference in medication Methylphenite vs Dextroamphetamine Zenzaidi can create two different people. I can't take Ritalin is make me insane worse than usual but Dextroamphetamine is like a miracle for me. I am another guy one that can stay calm,still,focused. So there is an excellent chance Ritalin or Dexedrine can give him that drive. Nutrition is huge. I was diagnosed at 3, but people on the spectrum tend to have a lot more indicators than fewer. I wish you luck you have an important issue at hand.

[SleeplessinMaryland]

Hi ng24,

I have inattentive ADHD also. Your description of your son reminds me of me when I first graduated from high school. I was not diagnosed until years later. Is your son taking medication? If so, maybe he needs something different. It does not sound like it is doing its job. When I was in school in grades K-12, the only kids identified as having ADHD were the ones who could not sit still and were forever getting into trouble. Mostly boys. As I mentioned, my ADHD was inattentive and I was very quiet. People thought I was lazy and had a low IQ. I was never tested but still had the "stupid" label applied. If people only knew what a struggle every minute of the day was for me I want to think they would have helped me. I did not know how to explain the problem to anyone

. I desperately wanted to be "normal" but did not know how to prioritize anything, organize tasks in steps to accomplish them, or how to get started on my own. When teachers would tell the class to get started on the assignments for the day I never knew what to do. I needed to have things repeated to me many times and learned that teachers would lose patience with me quickly. I stopped asking them to help me understand what I was supposed to do. I was an extremely depressed teenager and just wanted to die. If I was stupid why bother anyway - this is how I thought.

I decided to get married to the first person who would marry me. I figured I would have children and be able to fool people into thinking I was normal. If I was married and had children that meant I was normal, right? Not really. One day I was visiting a friend and her mother, a special education teacher, was visiting. She recognized ADD symptoms and asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with it. I had not. She encouraged me to see a psychologist to be tested. The psychologist told me I had every symptom except one - hyperactivity. He also tested my IQ and it was 126 which he said was above average. I was so shocked. He sent me to a psychiatrist for medication. A whole new world opened for me and I found happiness through it all.

I must apologize for this lengthy story, but your son's situation touch my heart. The sooner he gets the help he needs - medication, maybe counseling, maybe both or whatever he needs, the sooner he will be able to turn his life around. As for the money issue. I am not saying you should give him money, however, maybe you could find chores around the house that would allow him to earn money while he is working his way through the maze. Often when a person feels hopeless and needs money they will turn to less desirable ways to obtain it. I never had to do this but knew a couple of kids my son went to school with who decided dealing drugs would be a fast way to make money. I learned later that two drug dealers were at the high school asking kids if they knew any students who were failing and were in trouble all the time. These were the kids who were shown a suitcase full of cash and were told they could make this amount of money in one week if they helped by delivering drugs to customers. Very sad.

[Grateful17 in reply to SleeplessinMaryland]

Your input was so helpful and it’s brave of you to be so honest. I made all the mistakes as a parent of just bugging my ADHD kids to get a job. I thought that all teens just feel pressure but just “ deal with it.” That was not a good strategy. My teens didn’t want to take medicine either. We all felt helpless.

[SleeplessinMaryland in reply to Grateful17]

No - please do not find fault in yourself. Babies do not come with an instruction manual. Parents who love and care for their children do the best they can with what they know. Along the way we learn and once we know more/know better - we do better. It is a different story if we know better but fail to do better and I feel quite sure that you do not fall in this category. You obviously want what is best for your children - your words "We all felt helpless" says it all. It can be Hell on earth for both sides - parents/children, adhd spouses and partners/non-adhd spouses and partners, etc. In a perfect world there would be a cure.

[dgs2018]

As a male with ADHD now in mid 50's, your son needs your support. I have no advice on tough love or how to implement that. Encourage your son to actively volunteer in the community such as with a local Food Bank. He can use a reference and needs experience in work. Hang in there.