i would like a friend that i could ta... - CHADD's Adult ADH...

CHADD's Adult ADHD Support

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i would like a friend that i could talk to that has a spouse that has ADHD

stevens-spouse profile image

hello! I am 29y and my husband is 30y and has ADHD and i would like to meet people and possibly find a friend via text or talk , that could help me understand more because he doesnt like to talk to me about how he feels or what he thinks all the time. he used to abuse drugs and got into a lot of trouble before we met. Now, i am getting the after effect of it all because he gets aggressive quickly and then i do as well and i dont want to. So is there anyone here that can help me.

16 Replies

Do you have a service like Discord, Line, or WeChat? I don't mind a PM also if you need to talk, I just don't want to give out my personal cell # 😂

You can also try to find people you can talk to on reddit.com/r/ADHD.

No i am sorry i do not, in fact i have never heard of those! the only pm that i use is facebook unfortunately! and i understand perfectly on not wanted to give your number.

Discord is a web/phone app used by a lot of gamers, Line & WeChat are both encrypted texting services (makes sure your data is private etc) they are all free on android & iphone.

Even if you don't use them for chatting they are actually super great, specifically Discord, because it lets you make "community servers" with lots and lots of people. I just joined one that is a ADHD support group (1k+ members). It might be a service to look into to find more people to chat/talk too/vent with.

Also still PM me if you want!

oh okay! thats good to know i will check them out, i appreciate it! im doing this just so i can get better understanding what my husband is going through, he doesn't like to talk about it very much, and he gets down a lot.

Looking inside/self-reflection is really hard! I want to say thank you from all the ADHD people for putting in the effort to try to understand and work with your partner. Lots of people aren't willing to do that! Much love and appreciation!! ♥️🤟

Thank you i appreciate that, I am always looking to learn especially because my self i have intermittent explosive disorder also know as what i call female aggression disorder lol but aside from all that i have nothing but love and appreciation for anyone that goes through tough challenges everyday! my husband he gets angry, he looses his self worth thinks he is not good enough, stress causes him to think he hears voices and i try to tell my self that its not all due to his drug abuse several years ago. we can barely communicate, and i need help in understanding how an ADHD mind works and how i can help him!

Yes I am willing to help

Wow. FYI, no one, anywhere is defined by a single diagnosis. We are all shaped by our background/experiences, as well as our own views/personality. ADHD is just another filter that shapes how we experience the world around us. Just because someone has ADHD doesn't mean they will share the same experiences or viewpoint as your husband.

Getting more viewpoints about the world/relationships and opening your mind is always a fantastic goal. Kudos to you. I just don't want you to get your hopes up too much about finding anyone that can truly tell you what he's feeling or going through based just on ADHD. I totally support your decision to look for more outside opinions though.

stevens-spouse profile image
stevens-spouse in reply to BTV65

Thanks for your opinion and outlook im not here, solely due to my husbands ADHD im here to also understand it and hear from other peoples outlooks on it as well, i am open minded about the situation. Any and all different view points are welcomed. Im not here to single anyone out or to judge by any means i have read on here that there are other spouses that do not have ADHD and i just need friends i can vent to and with as well as listen to others as well, i may not know a whole lot about it but i can give my view points on other things as well especially aggression.

BTV65 profile image
BTV65 in reply to stevens-spouse

Good job! It sounds like you are coming at it with realistic expectations.

If you search non ADHD spouse in this group, you’ll see other posts similar to yours. I’m sure you can find connection🙂Thank you so much for trying.

I am a husband with ADHD, I would be happy to give you some insight.

The reactive engagement can occur for different reasons.

The reasons for my reactions, can be that I am hyper focused, or I am not able to fully emotionally self regulate. My over reaction usual triggers my spouse to overreact, what ensues is somewhat the same as a feedback loop.

My spouse used to ask me why I was so angry at her? I would explain that I was just responding, "sometimes I can not control my response." Certainly my intent was not to upset my spouse.

If he is anything like me, there's a lot going on in your husband's brain. Your husbands behaviors have impacts, in my relationship failing to respond to my spouse caused me to be ashamed of my behavior. When my unregulated reaction caused our feedback loop to escalate; that escalation would set me further down my path of "Bad Me."

If you can dampen the emotions of your response to your husband's dysregulation, you will keep a feedback loop from forming and cancel the feeling of failure your husband will feel.

Hey I’m in the same boat here - I do not have ADHD but my fiancé does. And so does his son. I’ve been trying hard the last 4 years to really understand and learn as much as I can about ADHD because no only am I going to marry a person with ADHD but I am also helping raise a child with it as well. It’s a lot. There’s a lot of things I wish I understand better and when I don’t I feel like I’m at a giant loss. A lot of our fights spiral out of control and if I’m honest I never really feel like I have a grasp on what is REALLY bothering my fiancé or even at times my stepson. Children are a bit easier to work with because patience goes a long way - does not work the same with your partner. Currently we’re in this really uninteresting fight that has so many “causes” that I can’t seem to get a grasp on how I’m even going to fix it. It’s as if he hyper focuses on one aspect and won’t let it go. It can be really hard to move on from any argument and typically I have to take the blame. I do however understand my wrong doings and apologize and try to fix what I have done to contribute to the situation - but that’s as far as I can go until he’s ready to talk and be calm. The explosiveness is just a lot. I can’t really handle the yelling or big energy and I typically shut down or escalate. Both not great.

I have to say it’s a giant work in progress and I feel your struggles. I’m open to chat here directly if you want. I do not have Facebook - just Instagram.

I'm proud of you for reaching out for help. Understanding your husband's ADHD will help you understand him and probably help you keep things a bit calmer at home. You mentioned that he also has drug abuse in his past. These are two of (probably) many facets of your husband. Understanding his past, his triggers, his brain, his insecurities will help you, but what I truly hope for is that he will come to the point where he is ready to deal with them. I'm guessing that's what you are hoping for as well.

This is a video I found to be really helpful at understanding, well, a lot about the reasons people do things.

youtube.com/watch?v=Nl2VsCI...

I use to be that husband. It’s great your sticking by him. My wife is left me. My actions due to my addictions has overwhelmed her. I respect you and your husband bond. I wish I had that. Good luck

If you need to text. I will send through a private message

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