No control or consistency

[LilWhiskey]

I know my husband's frustrations. I am frustrated myself. It was from childhood trauma, but I married my dad. Sitting here in silence for 2 days since I was triggered. He had the affair "but it is done." So trauma and ADHD. I don't trust anything that I feel.

[sambamiteko]

you married your dad wtf

[Ju-eun in reply to sambamiteko]

I guess they meant a man with similar (probably difficult) traits. It happens.

[Ju-eun]

Sounds like a difficult situation. Please dont give up on yourself. Sending you strenght.

[LilWhiskey in reply to Ju-eun]

Thank you

[Stoneman60]

It must feel overwhelming. If we were to break this into more digestible pieces it appears that you are dealing with multiple challenges:

1) your upbringing (i.e. your comment about marrying your father)

2) the infidelity

3) your ADHD/ADD

Each alone is a lot. And it would be easy to feel like a victim. But you can do this if you take control, take the initiative and tackle each one by one. It won't be so overwhelming that way.

Individual therapy can help with your upbringing and any associated trauma which potentially is affecting your relationships and potentially ADHD/ADD behavior. Not sure if you have already done work on this.

Couples therapy, assuming that you want to stay in the marriage, can help you regain trust. There's an outstanding outfit in Tulsa (Tulsa Marriage Solutions) that does remote counseling and specializes in the area of regaining trust following infidelity. Daniel Hoffman is part of that practice and is outstanding.

You're here so presumably you're already working on #3.

The absolute worst thing you could do right now is stew in it and stay stuck. When you regain some strength take the first step. Good luck.

[LilWhiskey in reply to Stoneman60]

It does sound like I play the victim, and I probably do because I feel I have no control. Even to my feelings and emotions. I put in the work but get frustrated because in situations I don't even think or remember to think differently or to change my behavior. Likely due to the ADHD. I'll keep at it though. Thank you.

[BTV65 in reply to LilWhiskey]

We all have knee-jerk reactions to situations. I can't stand when a dog barks, especially in the same room as me. It's frightening and I yell back, immediately and loudly. I hear my own voice before I even realize what is happening. We have spent a lifetime learning good habits, bad habits and reacting to things. It's like fighting gravity or swimming against the flow of a river to teach yourself to let go of them. No one should ever tell you it will be easy. However, it's also not impossible. Just keep in mind the work is never done. It just gets a little easier the farther along you go.

[LilWhiskey in reply to BTV65]

I really like what you said: "Just keep in mind the work is never done. It just gets a little easier the farther along you go." Very encouraging

[DesertAl]

I just posted a suggestion for EMDR to reclassify trauma. I would be triggered by the news of a spouses' affair. May I assume that your trauma related to abuse? I am the husband of a spouse that suffered abuse as a child. The triggers of past abuse are lightning fast and disquieting. My spouse saw herself as the one at fault for the abuse she suffered and the impact on our relationship.

The abuse wasn't her fault nor was the impact on our relationship. Communication is vital to address what are extremely charged topics. Couples can have many types of relationships and marriages. Your husband had an affair on his own, he could have requested to work towards an open marriage.

As a partner of a spouse that suffered abuse in their childhood, I am aware that a partner's past trauma can be a virtual minefield of triggers, which can be mitigated with Cognitive therapy and EMDR. He might never understand your trauma, he might not be able to.

[LilWhiskey in reply to DesertAl]

EMDR is great for trauma. It has helped me in the past. Thank you for your response

[LifeIsLearning]

Can I start by letting you know his affair is not your fault? And he should not expect you to just put it in the past. I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

I just listened to a podcast yesterday that I'm hoping encourages you and might give you some leads toward healing from your past, and maybe, eventually, healing for your husband too if he's willing to put in the work.

puredesire.org/podcast/stor...

summarized from this pod cast. . . It's like being in the car when your spouse has a car wreck and now walking around with broken bones you need help getting healed, but not wanting to tell people because you don't want to make the wreck public and you don't want to shame your spouse. . . . you're left walking around with broken bones and it's clear something is wrong but you don't know how to fix it.

I am also healing from relationship trauma and have ADHD. It's a long journey so give yourself grace. Uprooting the lies you might be getting told, fighting your ADHD impulses, and retraining your brain take time.

I encourage you to journal how your body is feeling. If you can't trust emotions or names of emotions, start with things like "my shoulders are tense" or "I'm hungry."

Eventually try looking for an "emotions wheel" on-line. It's not impossible to feel what seem to be conflicting emotions at the same time.

[dealingwithitsucks]

Yep. Been there. Do you sometimes feel like I'm being parented and receive "punishments." If I explain what's "wrong with me" or why I think I'm not doing great at whatever the issue at hand is, it's an excuse. I also have a hard time letting go of things. My husband had an affair a couple years ago. A lot of things were going on leading up to that, and prior to his affair, I had checked myself into the hospital a couple weeks before Christmas and was there for about a week. I had a close friend I asked to "check in" with my husband and see if he needed anything or any help with our daughter while I was in the hospital. I told him, call her if you need anything or just want to vent about me, because she knows what's going on.

So they did and would both talk to me daily letting me know what was going on. She was my daughter's baby sitter, as well.

Fast forward 8 months....

I was doing really well with my mental health, my ADHD got medicated and that helped so much. He and I were up late enjoying time together and having long talks. My friend came up in conversation and about how grateful I was to have her, I had a million reasons at the time. Then my husband just looked at me weird and I asked the worst nightmare question, yep, within 24 hours of me going into the hospital an affair had started. It was physical until 2 days before me finding out. I felt like my ENTIRE UNIVERSE and progress exploded in my face. And I still feel those emotions and I try so hard not to. I don't know if it's my ADHD or what, but I have a super hard time with letting go of things. I actually valued the friendship that had developed during my "recovery" that I tried to remain close friends, and did for about 6 weeks, until she was super open about a few things. I ended the friendship, called her husband about everything I had learned because I felt like he needed to know. I was being used by her to stay closer to my husband. I SUCK AT SEEING SOCIAL CUES! I see the cues now, but wasn't able to then.

Anyway, I've kinda given up on attempting to make friends since then because I don't trust my ability to have good people around me. I'm still with my husband and we're doing great, but I've learned to be EXTREMELY open about my emotions. Well, sometimes, I don't do the best and when I hold it in my temper becomes explosive. He and I have been together for almost 10 years and have a 4 year old daughter, and 2 older kids from previous relationships, 1 each.

IDK if this was helpful to you, but you guys may need to figure out what communication works to help you trust you own feelings. I ended up dragging my husband to my therapist's office because I didn't know how to communicate without bursts of anger which usually ended in me throwing something at him. That helped us.