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No control or consistency

LilWhiskey profile image

I know my husband's frustrations. I am frustrated myself. It was from childhood trauma, but I married my dad. Sitting here in silence for 2 days since I was triggered. He had the affair "but it is done." So trauma and ADHD. I don't trust anything that I feel.

11 Replies

you married your dad wtf

Ju-eun profile image
Ju-eun in reply to sambamiteko

I guess they meant a man with similar (probably difficult) traits. It happens.

Sounds like a difficult situation. Please dont give up on yourself. Sending you strenght.

LilWhiskey profile image
LilWhiskey in reply to Ju-eun

Thank you

It must feel overwhelming. If we were to break this into more digestible pieces it appears that you are dealing with multiple challenges:

1) your upbringing (i.e. your comment about marrying your father)

2) the infidelity

3) your ADHD/ADD

Each alone is a lot. And it would be easy to feel like a victim. But you can do this if you take control, take the initiative and tackle each one by one. It won't be so overwhelming that way.

Individual therapy can help with your upbringing and any associated trauma which potentially is affecting your relationships and potentially ADHD/ADD behavior. Not sure if you have already done work on this.

Couples therapy, assuming that you want to stay in the marriage, can help you regain trust. There's an outstanding outfit in Tulsa (Tulsa Marriage Solutions) that does remote counseling and specializes in the area of regaining trust following infidelity. Daniel Hoffman is part of that practice and is outstanding.

You're here so presumably you're already working on #3.

The absolute worst thing you could do right now is stew in it and stay stuck. When you regain some strength take the first step. Good luck.

It does sound like I play the victim, and I probably do because I feel I have no control. Even to my feelings and emotions. I put in the work but get frustrated because in situations I don't even think or remember to think differently or to change my behavior. Likely due to the ADHD. I'll keep at it though. Thank you.

BTV65 profile image
BTV65 in reply to LilWhiskey

We all have knee-jerk reactions to situations. I can't stand when a dog barks, especially in the same room as me. It's frightening and I yell back, immediately and loudly. I hear my own voice before I even realize what is happening. We have spent a lifetime learning good habits, bad habits and reacting to things. It's like fighting gravity or swimming against the flow of a river to teach yourself to let go of them. No one should ever tell you it will be easy. However, it's also not impossible. Just keep in mind the work is never done. It just gets a little easier the farther along you go.

LilWhiskey profile image
LilWhiskey in reply to BTV65

I really like what you said: "Just keep in mind the work is never done. It just gets a little easier the farther along you go." Very encouraging

I just posted a suggestion for EMDR to reclassify trauma. I would be triggered by the news of a spouses' affair. May I assume that your trauma related to abuse? I am the husband of a spouse that suffered abuse as a child. The triggers of past abuse are lightning fast and disquieting. My spouse saw herself as the one at fault for the abuse she suffered and the impact on our relationship.

The abuse wasn't her fault nor was the impact on our relationship. Communication is vital to address what are extremely charged topics. Couples can have many types of relationships and marriages. Your husband had an affair on his own, he could have requested to work towards an open marriage.

As a partner of a spouse that suffered abuse in their childhood, I am aware that a partner's past trauma can be a virtual minefield of triggers, which can be mitigated with Cognitive therapy and EMDR. He might never understand your trauma, he might not be able to.

LilWhiskey profile image
LilWhiskey in reply to DesertAl

EMDR is great for trauma. It has helped me in the past. Thank you for your response

Can I start by letting you know his affair is not your fault? And he should not expect you to just put it in the past. I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

I just listened to a podcast yesterday that I'm hoping encourages you and might give you some leads toward healing from your past, and maybe, eventually, healing for your husband too if he's willing to put in the work.

summarized from this pod cast. . . It's like being in the car when your spouse has a car wreck and now walking around with broken bones you need help getting healed, but not wanting to tell people because you don't want to make the wreck public and you don't want to shame your spouse. . . . you're left walking around with broken bones and it's clear something is wrong but you don't know how to fix it.

I am also healing from relationship trauma and have ADHD. It's a long journey so give yourself grace. Uprooting the lies you might be getting told, fighting your ADHD impulses, and retraining your brain take time.

I encourage you to journal how your body is feeling. If you can't trust emotions or names of emotions, start with things like "my shoulders are tense" or "I'm hungry."

Eventually try looking for an "emotions wheel" on-line. It's not impossible to feel what seem to be conflicting emotions at the same time.

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