It has been obviously that I have an ADHD brain for my entire life. I have a folder of school reports from age 5 onwards that read like a textbook case. But, for my mother, I could never have something wrong with me because it meant that she created something “defective” (long history there, unimportant now).
I saw psychologists several times growing up. The problems were evident - but my mom always blamed it on the teachers or said that I was “emotionally immature” and just needed to try harder.
Diagnoses were giftedness, anxiety, depression, OCPD (because I function well when situational variables are reduced), and my ex of 25yrs convinced my doctor that he should suspect Bipolar with no exam (I got a new doctor).
I have been prescribed a litany of medications. It’s always the same - little to no response, so increase the dose until I feel like I am losing control of my mind and can’t function or side effects crush me. I’m afraid of medications now.
My diagnosis came 3 months ago. My current family doctor (of 6 yrs) made a psychiatric referral when I wasn’t responding well to Wellbutrin. I said that I wasn’t sure that it was depression beyond my usual, but that I was stuck, like a broken record, because all of my routines and systems were off. My mother had just died and I was responsible for the estate, my sister was in her own emotional crisis, my ex-husband was disowning our kids, my new partner of 4 years had announced that he didn’t love me anymore and that he would never love me again “because it’s all too much with you”. People tend to have a 4 year cycle of tolerance with me before they baill out, so that wasn’t unexpected. Blah blah blah.
The psychiatrist said that I had an elaborate and wonderfully constructed series of routines and scaffolds in place that had allowed me to mostly “pass as normal” in public for decades He said older people like me are harder to treat because our routines and habits are well ingrained and are often self-defeating on a personal level, despite allowing for the public image of normalcy.
I’ve recently tried Wellbutrin, Concerta, and now Vyvanse. Frankly, I think that they might make it worse. I’m apathetic about everything. Life has no purpose. If I didn’t have children (teens) that depended on me, I would sell my house, give all of my money to someone who needs it, and just check out. Don’t misunderstand - I am NOT suicidal. It’s just that I can’t see it ever getting better or ever having anything to look forward to or finding time or energy to enjoy anything in the world.
I truly have no friends to call. Genuinely none. I have superficial relationships with customers at work, but nothing more. I don’t have parents to lean on. My siblings aren’t in a position to be in my life either (not animosity, just their own issues and living on the other side of the globe).
I have a million hobbies, but no time or energy. I have two university degrees, a full time job, I own my house (my share of the divorce), and a little money in the bank. But life feels hopeless.
I have tried three different anti-depressants and two ADHD stimulant meds. The response has always been similar. I wonder if my gut/brain doesn’t process medications properly.
I feel like the ADHD diagnosis was a death sentence. At least when I just had to “get it together” and “try harder” and “slow down and pay attention” it was ME that was in control. I hope that makes sense to someone. When it was my fault then I had the opportunity to do better and make a better life… it was a problem for me to solve… but when I know that my brain is permanently broken and when I see that no medications help (or make it worse) then it isn’t in my control and it all feels hopeless. I will never escape. Ever.
I did see a therapist, but she just had me tell life stories. I rambled all over for an hour each time and I came away feeling like it was pointless. I only have coverage for two more sessions.
And I see the identical symptoms in one of my daughters and I am so angry at myself for having doomed another person to suffer from this the way that I have.
(Note: seeing the psychiatrist again isn’t an option - they see you once for a diagnosis and once for follow up, I have used up my turns)
Does anyone else have a similar experience with medications? Or the devastation of the diagnosis?
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I understand. I've been there. And for whatever reason, sometimes I still end up back there-but not as bad-somewhat more manageable? The psychiatrist telling you had constructed routines that allowed you to pass as normal = Structure. It's what a lot of us ADDers need. Also agree when he told you 'older people like me are harder to treat because our routines and habits are well ingrained and are often self-defeating on a personal level, despite allowing for the public image of normalcy'. Yep. And then there's the emotional component that Mental Health Pros are just starting to scratch the surface of.
Don't give up. Keep trying. As you already know, it's a lot of trial and error.
I wish I had a better answer for you, and something that would bring you some relief. Although it doesn't seem like it, but you not alone. You'll find others here that have been down the path you're having to travel on now.
Hello and sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. My husband is the one with adhd in our house and he too had a hard time hearing the diagnosis this past year. He said alot of the same things you did, looking back now (hes 63) it explains so much of his childhood and his life in general. Hes always felt different but thought he was just insecure, it has created so many issues in our marriage but now with the knowledge we have and his meds we are working to find our new normal. His meds are helping some, but are no way a cure all, but we are learning work around ways as well as me learning a new level of patience
As far as your daughter, I think the upside to that is you now know what it is and how to get the help so maybe she can find help sooner than some have so she wont have to suffer as long. I know my husband, and me for that matter, wish we knew way sooner and could of done things differently.
I am so sorry to hear this! It’s all so hard, you can accept it’s ADHD AND then also tell yourself my strong will be more powerful that any ADHD don’t take me wrong I know how hard it is to try and try and not able to succeed and when you wnnna make a difference in your life but not able to
But you have to tell yourself you can because you really can
First thing is BE KIND TO YOUR PRETTY SELF
secondly one thing at the time focus on what’s the biggest change you want to see in your life
Like what’s on the top of the list how you want to live
Next what steps are you taking to accomplish those goals
Getting an ADHD diagnosis well into adulthood certainly does change everything.
For me, it brought a sense of relief to finally understand why I have the struggles, traits and tendencies that I have. It made my life make so much sense, and I felt like "I'm not lazy, defective or undisciplined... I'm just different."
Try thinking about yourself from this perspective...
"I got this far in life and figured out all these ways to build structure, and cope, and accommodate without even knowing I had ADHD. I wonder what else I can do, now that I DO know..."
It's certainly good to get therapy for any past trauma and present struggles with anxiety or depression. But ask your therapist about strategies and techniques that you can use in daily life.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often a recommended form of mental health treatment, and has been reported to work well for people with ADHD.
• Mindfulness meditation has been reported to also be very helpful for people with ADHD.
Both CBT and mindfulness have helped me get through my most difficult period, when my marriage hit a bad patch and my wife divorced me, after being married for 20 years. They helped me again, long with a skilled counselor and my doctor prescribing antidepressants (fortunately, they did work for me) when I fell into depression a year after the divorce.
But I also use regularly the CBT and mindfulness techniques that I learned, especially when I feel any anxiety.
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Medication works for most people with ADHD, but not all.
Dr. Edward Hallowell is a well-known expert on ADHD. (He is a psychiatrist and an author or coauthor of several books on ADHD, and he also has it.) I believe I've heard him say that the medications don't work for him, either.
Studies have shown exercise to help to improve ADHD some. What I read that exercise that challenges balance and coordination can be especially helpful (like yoga, pilates, cross-fit, martial arts, tai chi, or many kinds of sports).
Adequate nutrition helps, and some people add vitamins and supplements.
Before I started on ADHD medication, I was helped somewhat with a combination of: a complete multivitamin, extra vitamin C and vitamin D, Omega-3's, plus ginseng and ginkgo. I estimate that it only helped 10% as much as my ADHD meds do, but it did help.
Adequate sleep and stress management also help to make ADHD more manageable.
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Your daughter has a big head start, being diagnosed in her teens. You can help set her up for more successful treatment, since experts say that the earlier that treatment starts, the better the outcome throughout life.
It's common to feel like "if only I knew I had ADHD years ago, my life could be so different". I even felt that way myself.
And then my first medication (Adderall XR) didn't work nearly well enough for me, I was definitely worrying if there would be much help for me at all... Which is one of the reasons why I delved into finding out all I could about non-medication treatments, too.
I feel you . I’ve been there when it feels like life has hit you with a ton of bricks. You have been through so much - especially recently. I’m sorry.
But in reading your post I can see how blessed your life has been.
Yes, it sounds like you’ve had classic ADHD symptoms since you were a child, but when I read that you have 2 degrees, a home, kids and you have experienced love… I was impressed. That tells everyone that you have learned strategies to succeed and that you are loveable. I have friends who have NEVER experienced a romantic relationship. I’m not sure which one feels worse, loving and loosing or never loving at all,
Yes ADHD is hard and sucks beach balls through drinking straws, but it’s not a death sentence . Once we’re over the shock and we center ourselves again these struggles empowered us with the ability to help others. Life beats us all down, but we keep getting right back up and helping others along the way,
I know it feels like a death sentence but in the words of one of my fellow breast cancer sisters who shared with me what her friend told her when she too was diagnosed with cancer, “ Quit crying like a little b#!ch and put your big girl panties on”. It made me laugh, but it put things in perspective - she sat there retelling the story laughing and smiling with no hair nor eyebrows.
It’s ok to cry, be upset and have moments of despair, just don’t stay stuck there. Keep living, keep moving forward, turn the page and start a new chapter. We’re gonna be fine. Yes, the challenges will be worth it if we can learn from them and use the lessons to help others.
I can tell you have a great personality by the way you articulated yourself. I was moved by your writing. I had to write you back. Friends and true love can be hard to come by. Most people have acquaintances anyway. Personally, I’m choosing to keep my eyes on Jesus. I’ve always noticed that when I’m frazzled and at my wits end , it’s just a sign that I have to realign myself with my creator.
God bless you my friend and I’ll pray that you find peace.
Hi I'm sorry I haven't read your whole post. I will have a read when I have more time but have you heard that hormone fluctuations for females stop meds working. I saw at the beginning of your post that you r 55. So u r in a similar age group to me. I'm 53. So going through menopause which is a hormone roller coaster! I started HRT 6 months ago and it has helped me hugely. My medication works and I'm doing really well. If u r interested and think this could help I have some info I could post.
They r just starting to talk about it the link between hormones stopping the meds working. Keep on researching! Knowledge is power !
I have been diagnosed at 38, and I’m 40 now. I’m mad at myself for not being diagnosed earlier, since my brother was diagnosed at 5. My partner has been on meds for a while and said life changed for the better (like a light switch), but it doesn’t seem to have that effect for me. I’ve had the doc raise my dosage on my med like 4 times, and they got weary of the situation (like I’m an addict). I just don’t feel much of a difference. A little easier to sleep and I can keep myself from blurting a bit more, but I still make so many social mistakes. The devastation of my diagnosis was mostly because it took so long and that people don’t understand my symptoms.
I wish I had a home. I have a MA but was denied teacher certification because my adhd and anxiety kept me from being able to handle 20 behaviors of kindergarten at the same time. I tried to help my dad out and moved cross country, but both of my parents have mental health issues they are not acknowledging and are super toxic (each is taking me to court within a month and we are currently homeless). I guarantee my parents have the same conditions, but they refuse to believe it and said they don’t care about my “a b c disorders”. We are in the process of buying our first house, but our budget is low and fha won’t take some of the issues with these homes. It’s so frustrating because I feel like I’ve done everything right except choosing to work in education and not marrying someone for their wealth (my partner is on social security).
My counseling has mainly been just talk and venting, but I noticed with my emotional disregulation, venting helps get out pent up energy from my stresses. It helped to google search my possible counselors and mind one that specializes in adhd, ptsd and anxiety. She seems to get my adhd since she has it as well. Have you contacted community mental health? Keep in mind, if you’re in a mental health crisis,988 is now a thing.
It usually takes time to find the right medication and the right dosage. Have you discussed Adderall and. Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine). Adderall contains Dextroamphetamine. For many patients Dextroamphetamine works far better than Adderall. It is not a exact science and each person is different. In addition, there are different combinations. Some patients see great success with Adderall Extended Release alone or Immediate Release alone and others require a combination of extended release and immediate release. The same thing goes for Dextroamphetamine. If your doctor is not knowledgeable about these medications. You need to see a psychiatrist that treats many ADHD patients.
Your age might also make find finding the right medication and/or combination more challenging due to menopause. Hang In There. There Is Hope
Hi, I was recently switched to Dextroamphetamine Sulfate (generic for Dexedrine) from Adderall (generic also). I take the extended release form, 15 mg total each morning. I am finding the Dexedrine works much better. My psychiatrist also provided the option to take another 5mg later in the day, if I need to, based on my activities in the evening. The switch in medication was due to the shortage of Adderall, I was experiencing high levels of anxiety when I couldn't get my prescription filled. I was diagnosed about a 1.5 years ago, at age 56. I too was stunned, and sad and mad (like JulBean). I was prescribed talk therapy, and got a year of weekly sessions! I was shocked. My HMO Kaiser Permanente and they have under served their mental health patients for decades. In 2022 the workers went on strike, and finally they were mandated (the HMO) to do better. I think that is how I got such a hearty prescription for therapy. It is helping so much. I found a therapist who works with ADHD adults, and she is online. I didn't know if online sessions would work for me, but I knew it would up my adherence to the treatment. Can't have many excuses when you can just log in and have your session! (no driving to appointments, having a consistent day and time for the appointment: same every time for a year. The platform is called "Foresight" and they have a lot of therapists. I find they don't have all of the logistics ironed out yet, and that was frustrating till I learned how to work them to match my needs (this is one of my ADHD super powers, I can finesse the situation with communication and empowerment of others).
Love to all as we wind our way through the challenges of ADHD!
I completely relate. I am a 53 year old female, who just received my diagnosis less than a year ago. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions and at times felt utter devastation, anger, intense pain and grief for the life I could have had if I could have had help earlier in my life. Like you, my masking and "pulling myself together" worked somewhat. My life has always been chaotic and impulsive with no substantial direction or goals, ...relationships always suffered, and now I know why. It truly is frustrating that psychological care is not included in our healthcare. (I am also Canadian). Your employer doesn't have an employee and family assistance program ?...(for your daughter to access help as well).
The hopeless feelings are valid..... we've worked so hard all of our lives to find ways to make things work... we have been doing the best we could without the understanding of why things have been so difficult for us.
May I make some suggestions? I have been using as many tools and supports as I can find to help me on my healing journey. Perhaps they can also be of use to you. These are all free sources. Go to the CHADD website also ADDITUDE magazine (online) is credible. A really great podcast I have found is Women & ADHD by Katy Weber. There is also The Neurodivergent Nurse (I came across her on instagram), also has a podcast. Also Sasha Hamdami, MD - thepsychdoctormd on instagram (I have found it nice to follow her because I feel seen and understood).
I can really relate to this. About 2 years ago, all the things happened (won’t go in to detail but very similar to you). And similarly all my good habits that had been keeping me mentally healthy went out the window. It suuucked and I’m still not fully out of it.
My PCP recommended working on one thing at a time which seemed absurd, since everything in my life felt broken. But it actually was good advice.
One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that when I get stressed, my brain goes into “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once” mode. Not only do I feel like I need to deal with all the things right now, but I also tend to add complexity (thanks, brain).
Can you pick one thing to do for yourself? An old habit that was working or something new. It feels like a drop in the bucket but it can help calm down the mental chaos. You could choose one issue you need support on and repost it as its own thread. You’ll get a bunch of suggestions.
Also, (take this with a grain of salt since I obviously don’t know you 💜) I think you’ve internalized your mother’s judgement that mental health issues make someone “defective”. Mental health issues are just like anything else. If your eyesight is poor you get glasses, if you're allergic to nuts, you eat nut free food, if you have a cold you try to rest.
There are lot of resources out there for women with ADHD that address this issue. I like “Your Brain’s Not Broken” best. “The Queen of Distraction” and “A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD.” I’m also a huge fan of the podcast “ADHD Aha.”
I understand where you're coming from. Somewhat 'diagnosed' in mid-50s & then long road to try medication by someone who is knowledgeable, only to find that it was more likely to increase anxiety & edginess, than make me get stuff done. I agree that entrenched old habits can make things challenging. But then some of those also helped us.
I'd recommend the book: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. I listened to it & found it helpful. There is a workbook too (which is on my to-do list, lol)
Oh, I'm so sorry. Of course, you know, but I'll just point out that you are in a crisis period in your life 1) death of a parent no matter how loving or not your relationship 2) responsibility for teen-aged children 3) end of a partner relationship. So this is a crisis and please don't judge yourself during this time. One foot in front of the other is winning! You writing this post and sharing is a huge win!
I finally found a great therapist, who was adult-diagnosed with ADHD herself. She's expensive but vital. Hopefully you can find the strength to keep looking for that level of help.
Please continue to see your family doctor, there has to be a way forward, medically. Keep your appointments with that doctor, be respectful and persistent. It is part of their job to keep looking for help for you, like maybe getting you in to the psychiatrist again, or referring you to a more specialized psychiatrist.
I don't want to challenge you so I'm just asking if you tried the medications for a minimum of 10 weeks? If the side effects were intolerable, of course you wouldn't keep taking them that long, but if they just felt ineffective, maybe you weren't on them long enough?
I was on Wellbutrin for 14 months after my diagnosis at age 59, and went off it myself, no doctor supervising. I didn't like that it pushed my BP up and didn't seem to be doing very much for me. Now, a year after going off it, my best friend died a few months ago, my father has recently died, I'm the primary caretaker for my elderly mother (and my dad's estate), my adult children are not very supportive, and I've moved five times in seven years - I'm asking my doctor for Wellbutrin again. It didn't have much effect on the executive function problems of ADHD, but it kept me from spiraling down, which is what's been happening for the last three months. My therapist has convinced me it's time to seek medical help again and has committed herself to helping me get the best help I can get, helping me navigate the system and the medications.
I wish you much good luck and persistence - you and your mental health and having a good life are worthy!!
Hi JulBean , My cold medicine is sinking in so I'm finally falling back asleep , but I wanted to call attention to ACT therapy. I recently stumbled upon values exercises while digging for help with prolonged feelings of overwhelm in all areas of my life that I can't seem to pull myself out of- it's just too much. I asked my therapist about it and it turns out these exercises are derived from ACT therapy, something she's trained in quite extensively. At her recommendation I've started working through "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety" by Georg Eifert.
Anyways, I think it's worth looking into. These kinds of workbooks tend to feel a bit hokey to me, but so far it's been helpful.
Sending you love, these feelings are a lot to manage, you aren't alone. It's clear a bunch of us here can relate. Take care 💜
Also, it may be worthwhile to look for local outpatient CBT therapy programs. I'm doing one later this month and an truly looking forward to learning more productive coping skills and thought patterns that I hope will help me shed some of this dead weight I've been carrying.
I think, like many here, I can relate. I will say my diagnosis ended up being a positive, in part due to some medications working, at least in part, but also to help me be less hard on myself. I have wasted mountains of energy on recriminations, that if I'd only tried a little harder, etc. But I will caution you, that when I did keep pushing that way, I ended up having a break down.
The way I've found joy in the midst of this condition is to ensure I'm doing enough of the things I'd call "energy positive." With my ADHD, there are tasks and activities that fall into three broad categories. Energy positive, neutral, and negative. I've used my awareness of these things to ensure I work through my day in a balanced way. I don't rely on the "successes" I've felt through work. Rather, I find that if I'm struggling with energy, I move on to something that is energy positive. Even if I'm working and that activity has nothing to do with getting my work done. I know this can be hard for many conscientious people to accept. It certainly has been for me. But I've found new energy levels and a far more balanced and joyful life by allowing myself to care for my needs in this way. In practical terms, I actually perform better because I'm not constantly operating with low energy.
So, to sum up. I would try to look at the diagnosis as an opportunity to fine tune your life based on this new understanding. There are some great resources out there that help people like us be happier and more content in life.
A great video on avoiding "toxic productivity advice" is one of my current favorites. I suggest checking it out.
May you find joy and peace in the new perspective on your life. It is possible to take the lessons you've learned over the years and bend them into healthier energy positive methods to live. Take care.
Thank you so much, everyone. I have come back here multiple times to try and digest the ideas shared. Each time, I end up crying.
It’s both wonderful and awful to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.
I am also ashamed that I have become such a whiner. Part of the reason that I don’t go and join social activities is because I don’t actually want anyone to ask “how are you?” I am afraid that if anyone asks too many questions then I might actually share more than I intended to. I’m thankful for the anonymity of a forum like this.
Again, thank you so very much for sharing your stories and ideas. It truly helps more than you can even imagine.
I am toughing out the current medication to see if it can possibly improve things so that the world isn’t too loud and everything all at once.
And I am recognizing from several of the messages here that I may be expecting too much from the medication and that I need to develop an entirely new way of living, rather than just trying to hold to my old way with more focus.
Virtual hugs to all. Because goodness knows that there are never enough hugs from people who understand.
(Virtual hug received, and giving another one back to room... because we all need some compassion and understanding.)
The great thing about a community like this is that we really do want to know how you're doing. 🙂
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People tend to get ashamed to admit when they are not feeling good.
But just as with our skin we can feel pleasure and pain, and that sensation can be tremendously important, our emotions are the same way.
Your feelings are real, they are not imagined. They are important feedback about your present internal state.
If you feel good, then something has made you feel good. It might be that everything is in balance at the moment. It might be that you just experienced something that made you feel good. It could even be due to a random happy thought or feeling.
If you feel bad, there is also always a cause. You might not be able to put your finger on why, or maybe it's just that everything seems to be a struggle, or something bad (or a lot of things) has happened.
Think of your feelings as a thermometer. They are a status check.
Don't discount your feelings. If you can, be curious about them, about yourself. Understanding them and what caused them may help you to do something about them.
When you need help, get help. When you can't understand why you feel the way that you do, that's why we have medical and mental health care. When you recognize something that you needed help with before, then get help again.
When you need someone to talk to, find someone who will listen with empathy and curiosity.
We're here for you. We're here for each other.
Life ain't perfect, but we can still do the best that we can. A lot of the time, we can help each other out, to make it a little bit better.
My life runs in 7 years cycle of WTF God?! What did i do wrong now? It’s not Him. It’s just part of my journey (bad decisions and not trusting my gut- OR not listening to Him and his warnings). I’m going to try and keep this as simple and short as possible ( you do realize I have ADHD and I’ll most likely have a side bar or 12-lol).
In all SERIOUSNESS JUST BREATHE…. In through the nose out thought the mouth x 4. When you’re inhaling, push yourself to inhale the bottom of your lungs. And exhale till your lungs are empty…
EMDR therapy has been LIFE CHANGING for me, especially my life SEEMS TO GO TO HELL EVERY 7 years.
For ME, the ADHD diagnosis has been a both a curse and a blessing. Knowledge is power, so that means I’m not trying to figure out (anymore) why my brain doesn’t work anymore (My ADHD is trauma induced .) You are BORN with ADHD. Trauma will TRIGGER our ADHD. Therefore, our “”work arounds” No longer work . And guess what?! That’s OKAY!!
You’ve raised babies, have had long term relationships and now…you’re fucking tired and are tired of pretending…(aka work arounds are failing). IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!!
ADHD can make BREATHING feel like it’s overwhelming!!
So, treating your ADHD (with medication) and going to therapy for your depression (EMDR is the path I’m on - it’s HARD BUT YOU WILL HEAL) will help you though this difficult (aka f##d up point in your life). Life can be and get pretty hellish!! But guess what?! You’re not alone. At some point, ALL of us here, this tribe on this site, are either presently (me) or have had to rebuild and get our shit together (me) or are STILL working on getting our shit together (ADHD tax).
I came across this quote, and it has been STUCK in my spirit
If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going - Winston Churchill
You CAN AND WILL survive this shit-storm. My question for you, is HOW CAN YOU HELP OTHERS SURVIVE THEIRS?
Healing can come from just helping others. You have financial means, healthy children and have had long term relationships. A lot of the folks have not been so fortunate (blessed) to be where you’re at…
So just BREATHE. Everything, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
(I’m sending love, hug and will say a prayer for you and yours).
You’re going to be okay. You WILL survive this shit storm…my question for you is, how will you help others get through their hell on earth?
Healers get the most damage…guess what and why that happens? Bc we can HEAL (faster) and be stronger than we were before everything happened!!!
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