Could This Really Be Undiagnosed Adult ADHD?

[Bellatrix2020]

Hello, I am new here! I will be turning 30 years old within the next few months, which sounds like no big deal except for the fact I feel like when I look back on it all I never really accomplished much or completed much etc.

What brought me here and to the conclusion that maybe ADHD played a huge role in my life was a recent (repeat) argument with my Fiancé of 8 years (I've tried planning a wedding but constantly quit because it becomes too much). Over the past 8 years (that is only one segment of repeated behavior/symptoms in my life but most current), my Fiancé and I would constantly have the same arguments. Usually he would end up saying a list of things like; "Why can't you just do the dishes or laundry or even tidy up the house, why do you make it seem like it's so hard because it's not." OR "These are normal everyday things that adults should be able to do." OR "You need to be a more responsible adult," OR " Did you make that appointment yet and I thought you paid that bill, it was due LAST WEEK," OR "I feel more like a PARENT than your significant other, you need to start pulling your weight, your life is NOT that hard, you're a stay at home mom, I need help and I shouldn't have to remind you to do these things or wonder if you ordered groceries!" and last but not the least, "You should start doing more arts & crafts, playtime, going on walks or something with our daughter." I literally can't sit still long enough to color ONE simple page in her coloring book with her. I can't even sit and play for long either because I get SO BORED and restless. I feel like a piece of crap mom & soon to be (someday) wife. It's not that I don't want to do it because deep down I do but it's the fact that I just can't for the life of me DO IT. I try but I just can't help but to feel bored/feel like it's a chore/get antsy and feel like okay that's enough for me. I hate that I am like this but it's honestly uncontrollable (at least to me), I see and envy other moms in the neighborhood who look like they enjoy/look forward to doing all that with their kids. I often wonder, "how the hell do they have that much energy or motivation or patience to do it all?" "What's wrong with me, oh no here she comes...ACT NORMAL." Am I neglecting my child? Am I depriving her of the joys of childhood? Why would I want to do that? "What's wrong with me, am I that selfish or careless?" (Sorry for the long most likely not grammatically correct peek into my every day life for that past...well...my WHOLE life).

I started researching what else could be going on because when he said he feels like he's more like a parent to me a lot of the time it really HIT me HARD. It was like a slap in the face to wake up. In my early to mid 20's I thought I had Depression/Anxiety with occasional sleeplessness. I went to a Mental Health Facility to be checked. I had a recent death in the family (like a year before/my first significant death) at the time. The Psychiatrist asked me a few questions and then asked what significant has happened in the past year, which of course was the death of a loved one. They then focused more on that topic and ripped it completely open which would make any fresh wound bleed again. I wasn't questioned about anything (that I can remember) to due with the past etc... They prescribed me 2 different Anti-Depressants which one was more for sleeplessness (It takes me a long time to shut down because I always lay there with countless thoughts going a mile a minute). Official diagnosis: Clinical Depression and Anxiety. Great! I'm glad I got help! Yay!

Time went by and the only thing I noticed about the Anti-Depressants were they only helped me to calm down a little bit and when I say a little bit, I mean it. However, in my mind I thought that was all it was supposed to do so I figured it was working even though I knew deep down they really weren't. The "Sleep-Aid" only made me feel physically tired, it didn't help me to shut down/relax and go to sleep. I'd often take it and still find myself staying awake feeling like only my body was sluggish/heavy, eventually making me feel as though I was super drunk or something (if that makes sense). In the mornings it took me forever to come to and I was always super irritable/groggy instead of rested. I got my meds adjusted to a higher dosage for Prozac and lower dosage for Trazodone. Still the same feelings/behavior.

Some time later down the road, I became a 1st time mom. I switched to Wellbutrin which I had to get off of because it made me feel like I was going to die by heart attack or something. I finally had enough because by then it has been 3 years, ( I think, could be longer) and 2 adjustments and a chance at a different medication, counseling and even post partum depression out patient sessions (Which I soon realized was NOT my problem at all and literally left). I left the meds alone and tried to cope using coping skills I learned in Outpatient Therapy.

Now, looking back at that whole segment along with that last argument and some painful to swallow words from the man I love, I had to buckle down and figure out what the heck was 'wrong with me." I thought for awhile maybe it was Bipolar Depression or a Thyroid issue but when I looked deep into both I soon realized that neither was really "me" or my "issue." I knew that because I looked back to early childhood and my teenage years etc...I noticed that I have been this way my entire life and didn't even realize it. I remember I'd do really well the first couple weeks to a month of a new school year. Then, the rest of the time was filled with poor grades, constant tardiness, numerous bathroom breaks in the middle of each class (just to wander halls honestly), incomplete assignments/projects or late homework, incomplete tests in class due to not having enough time (I'm slow at test taking), countless remarks about my potential because my teacher seen it in the beginning of the year but they follow that by saying, "if only she applied herself." My teachers would often say that I was a distraction to others a lot of the time by trying to get a friends attention, mouthing words or passing notes, falling asleep, etc...I don't think I ever had a whole year or even a half year of DECENT GRADES/COMMENTS (from teachers). I had to eventually transfer High Schools because I was pretty much going to FAIL my Freshman year and I begged my parents to transfer me to save me the embarrassment. I always got kicked off of any sports teams at either HS because I could never keep my grades decent enough. I lied so many times to peers/friends about why I wasn't doing that anymore or why I transferred schools. It wasn't because I am not intelligent because I know that I am and I excel in areas I am primarily interested in like Art Class but I always felt bored. Plain and simple. Now, this is literally the same behavior/pattern that went on in Primary School I think around, 2nd grade (at least that's how far back I remember quitting math due to those timed math sheets overwhelming me/giving me anxiety. One day I realized I had the ability to say, NO and refuse, basically...QUIT).

Seriously, I hear so much of my parents/teachers/family members in my Fiancé when it comes to lecturing me about my responsibilities. Like, am I really just that LAZY or FORGETFULL or CARELESS? I could never hold a job for more than a YEAR and that only happened once. I never had money even when I was working and should have had some money left over to go do stuff with friends. They usually ended up paying and left me hating myself for it. Like, "how do they do it, how do they seem to have their life together and make it seem soooo easy?" Once again, "What's wrong with me?" I didn't finish High School until my 21st Birthday, I haven't even finished college yet (I knew I was just going to quit after making my goal to get accepted/go on the Study Abroad Trip to France because I knew myself).

My Mother is that type of person who doesn't like labels or believe in medications for a lot of things unless it's a life or death health condition. She even worked in the Mental Health field but with Down Syndrome Adults. She had me go on a trial for medication Concerta (which I think may have been new to the market at the time) at a young age (obviously there was enough reasoning behind putting me on that in the first place). She said they only did a simple test and that I was fine with that test but yet she also stated she didn't want me on the meds because they made me seem like a Zombie and I didn't have much of an appetite (mind you, I've always had a problem overeating just because it made me literally feel good/happy). However in Middle School I felt like I had no control over any aspect of my life/incapable no matter how hard I tried (and I feel like I really did try hard but failed every time), I turned to Anorexia. I finally had one thing I could control and it made me feel good. My mother one day came home from work and tossed a big bag of potato chips on the table in front of me and told me I better eat it now or she will take me to the Psycho Ward. A scare tactic that worked but now that I look back, why didn't she seek some sort of help/explanation? Why didn't she try to get to the bottom of it or try to understand why I was doing what I was doing? She literally conditioned all of us kids to believe that medications aren't good for you. To believe that most doctors are just going to throw meds at you and not care to listen etc...and that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Okay, how does that explain why I can't seem to retain information because I'm daydreaming all the time due to boredom/can't stand to sit still for a whole class period, or continuously receiving poor grades and teacher comments about me not focusing/being disruptive in class? Every. Single. Year. for the rest of my life until right now as I write this...

I just spoke to my mother about this earlier today and how I am almost certain that this has been my issue for the past almost 30 years of my life. I asked if she happened to have my old report cards from years ago, she said she believes she does. She also confirmed that they are pretty much ALL BAD. Then she tried to go into that thing she has always done and detour me away from ADHD being my problem. She tried to scare me again by saying, "be careful what you say and how you say it, choose your words wisely because the Psychiatrist will try to put you in a home or admit you to an inpatient blah blah blah..."

Anyone else have a similar experience through life? I now wonder who would I be today, where would I be, would I have my high school diploma instead of my GED or would I have my College Degree by now? Would I have been able to continue in my extracurricular activities back when and maybe receive a scholarship or two? Would I have more friends or would it be easier to make them? Would I be a better mom/fiancé, would I just be an over all better version of myself? After all, nothing I do or most of the time don't do, is intentional. I don't intentionally behave this way. I don't wake up and think to myself, I am going to purposely fail at every aspect of life. (I also have issues with patience/talking over others/outbursts when I know I should just keep my feelings to myself).

I'm not sure if it is 100% certain that I have ADHD but I myself am almost 100% sure it has been the invisible culprit to my constant disorganized/failed attempts at LIFE.

(If anyone could help me figure out how to go about this journey to a possible diagnosis, please let me know. I am clueless as to what steps to take. Any thoughts or advice would be nice too. TIA).

[Birdwatcher19]

Hi there. You’ve certainly been dealing with all of this for a long time. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve described, especially the stay-at-home-mom stuff. (By the way, I’ve been a SAHM and a working mom, and for me, being a SAHM mom was WAY harder, so your fiancé is off base there. But I digress.) By all means, seek out an assessment so you can hopefully find some relief. You have a few options here. The best one, in my opinion, is to seek out a psychiatrist with experience assessing and treating ADHD. You can just Google ADHD and your city to see if there is a specialist in your area (actually, with telehealth, you can search statewide). However, most specialists don’t take insurance, so you’d then need to submit to your insurance for out-of-network reimbursement. Alternately, you can call your insurance and ask for a list of psychiatrists in-network and call around (fyi, child psychiatrists generally have the most experience with ADHD and many do see adults, too). You can also seek a diagnosis from a therapist, but of course they can’t prescribe medication, so you’d need to have them refer you to either a psychiatrist or work with your PCP (and not all therapists are adept at recognizing ADHD). The easiest option would be to make an appointment with your PCP and explain your concerns. If you’re lucky, they can diagnose you and prescribe medication in the same visit. However, many have absolutely zero training in ADHD and will insist that it must be anxiety/depression (this is what mine did, even after I told her I’d been diagnosed with ADHD by two different mental health professionals). If that happens, just insist on

a referral to a psychiatrist and know that you’re not alone in that experience. Good luck. I hope this was more helpful than overwhelming, and I hope you find some answers and get on a path to feeling better soon.

[Bellatrix2020 in reply to Birdwatcher19]

Thank you so much!

[Cappy11]

This is so textbook adult ADHD it almost reads like it's fake.

Don't take that the wrong way though. Find a psychiatrist that specializes in ADHD and just go from there. Ask your family doc to refer you and do your own research for ones around.

There's a lot that treatment and therapy will help with. Your life can improve drastically. Medication is very helpful, but it doesn't undo ADHD. It basically gives you a choice in situations/conversations/etc where before you didn't.

But it'll still be up to you to make that harder choice, and with therapy you'll be able to recognize and unlearn all the situations where you've accepted over the years that you don't have a choice.

[Bellatrix2020 in reply to Cappy11]

I'm so glad you added not to take it the wrong way because I usually do lol I get very defensive a lot and this has really frustrated me for a long time. Not understanding what could be going on with you and being completely blind the whole time really has irritated me.

[jilllewis84]

This does sound like super textbook ADHD. Which means, too, that everything you've described is very familiar and relatable and it will get better as you're able to get a diagnosis and have your struggles recognized. What was really helpful for me, as someone diagnosed in their 30s, was listening to podcasts where people share their stories and just slowly unpacking how profound the impact has been on my life. ADHD Rewired has been a favorite of mine -- in the episode with Dusty Exner, she talks about needing her partner to remind her to play with their kid. And how that's just what she needs and it's ok. There are a lot of ways to be a great parent and it doesn't start and end with coloring books.

You should totally prioritize getting a diagnosis, but don't wait to start consuming as much as you can on ADHD in books and podcasts and support groups. It's just so, so helpful to becoming aware and confident in talking about your past experiences. Even if, for some reason, it turns out to not be ADHD, you clearly share a great deal with that experience and you'll be in a stronger place to advocate for getting the help you deserve.

Finally, I'm so sorry that your partner has spoken to you in ways that challenge your self worth. That's so painful and there really is no excuse. For me, being undiagnosed with an undiagnosed partner, I've been on both sides of this. I feel myself overwhelmed and incapable of performing in "normal" ways and then also so frustrated at him for doing the same. When you finally figure out that it's ADHD, there's a lot of expectations to undo and a lot of grieving to feel through. But just being as gentle as you can with yourself and your partner can help you guys get through it. It's exhausting at the moment, I'm sure, but the more you can identify and name what you need, the easier things will get for both of you. Hang in there!

[Bellatrix2020 in reply to jilllewis84]

I honestly forgive my partner for those remarks because it helped me get to this point after trying to figure out what it all could be. If it weren't for him and the constant tugging and pulling, I don't think I'd ever think to even consider ADHD or seek help.

Textbook or not, I literally just spilled almost my entire life experience out onto the internet for everyone to see in hopes of confirmation from others who may have had a similar life experience.

There is a book I seen someone suggest on here, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, which I am looking forward to listening to.

[jilllewis84 in reply to Bellatrix2020]

I haven't read that one yet, but I hear it's good. I read Women with ADHD by Sari Solden a couple months ago and it was trippy how closely it mirrored my experience. I was actually super mad at first, tbh. Like, "you're telling me that someone wrote a book naming all of my pitfalls and it was published and out there *before* I even lived them??" And that was when I was still struggling to find a doctor to diagnose me so it was extra infurriating.

I totally understand the drive to disclose everything. On the internet, to friends, my therapist, people I work with, randos -- just about everyone everywhere lol. I think it's part of trying to unpack and understand what's been happening your whole life. For me it was this wild frustration right before being able to really accept that I am the expert on my experience -- that I can confidently apply context to all of the former mysteries of my life. Empowerment is surely on the way.

[Bellatrix2020 in reply to jilllewis84]

I totally get what you're saying when it comes to being super mad because I feel that way now. Mad yet anxious/excited/relieved to finally feel like I actually do fit in somewhere and there is help I can get for it. I'm upset with my Mother (she was the one who mainly decided what happened to us kids). Like, "You literally watched me struggle and fail every single year of my life and didn't think to get me continuous help?" Instead, I got in trouble every single time I brought home report cards or told my parents I had a school project due a day before it's due because I'd mean to mention it but I'd forget or procrastinate saying/doing anything.

The being an expert on your experience is what's getting me. I have no idea how or what to tell my PCP or Psychiatrist without sounding like I'm self-diagnosing and whatever they say is wrong etc...(if that makes sense).

[jilllewis84 in reply to Bellatrix2020]

I totally feel that. You don't have to be perfect when communicating what you're going through, though. In the end, it's less how you communicate and more who you're talking to. A lot (a whole lot) of health professionals market being experts on ADHD but actually have no idea what it's like. Those people are incapable of validating your experience because they'll point to the DSM or outdated diagnosis criteria to confirm or deny what you're going is "real" (it is). It's scary to push back against supposed experts, but trust yourself that you will be able to tell when someone is actually listening to you and validating your struggles, and that you'll be open to collaborating with that person on ways to move forward in making your life easier.

Unfortunately, general medical understanding of ADHD is so backwards and inaccurate that a lot of us have to self-diagnose just to be able to seek appropriate help. It shouldn't be that way, for sure, but for a lot of us it is the only path. I was filled with so much doubt pushing for my diagnosis. But the thing was that, during that time, treating my struggles as ADHD actually started improving my life in a ways that treating my anxiety and depression never did. (Suggesting that anxiety and depression were results of ADHD, rather than distraction was a result of anxiety.) And that gave me confidence to keep going.

[Kgbuggy]

I’m super impressed you were able to write all that! I wasn’t able to stay focused and complete the entire post but it sounds like you’re really struggling. I hope things get better!!

[Bellatrix2020 in reply to Kgbuggy]

Thanks but it took me awhile to do that. I took many breaks but eventually I got it all out because I am desperate at this point to get the help I really need.