The aunt I live with has the empathy of a TNT pack. And I've been terrified all my life about my ADHD marking me completely unable to "be enough" as a human. Lately I'm making progress with keeping my life together, like programming a routine and sticking to it, being productive, not skipping meals, not being late, keeping a behavioural diary, tidying my place little by little and keeping it clean... I was seeing so much progress, but apparently she doesn't. She keeps putting me down, she doesn't take in much consideration what I manage to do, she always focuses on what I didn't do. Yesterday she blatantly told me that she didn't give a shit about what I did, because one thing she expected to be done (she didn't even tell me) was indeed not done. I tried to say that hurt me, that I was planning on doing it but I had prioritized and done other things, but she didn't want to hear it. She didn't give a shit about what else I did. And that hurt me. It's like no matter how much I try, I'll never be enough like others. I'm always less, always less, never enough. I once again dreamed of me as a child, of wanting to disappear, of not eating, shrinking until I didn't exist anymore, of being sorry for the burden, for never being enough and creating only problems. "But don't worry about it anymore" I thought. "It won't be for long, I'm disappearing, all will be ok again"
I feel sad and insecure. Doing things and finding motivation, feeling like my goals are important, is a lot harder
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The_wOnderer
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You went down the rabbit hole! Oh man. That rabbit hole is tempting and difficult to avoid. These thoughts you’re having, one thing triggering multiple thoughts that string together into worse and worse feelings and hardship on your self, reoccurring ones that your mind has gone to many time before when something triggers it..... that’s what I call going down the rabbit hole. The only thing we get from the rabbit hole it depressed. It doesn’t actually do anything else for us except re-enforce deprecating thoughts about ourselves and make us depressed. This thoughts, this chain reaction is exactly why depression often accompanies ADHD. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated until 40 years old and realized somewhere in my early 30’s that these thoughts aren’t productive. Nothing good ever comes from them. I just end up depressed for a period of time, maybe a day or a week, and I just have to wait for it to pass. Once I realized that nothing ever changes from them and they’re not productive I started training myself to refuse the thoughts. I would picture myself standing at a crossroads. One road is the dark, depressive rabbit hole of thoughts. The other road is carrying on into whatever happiness I can find. Anything but the rabbit hole. I would say NO! The thoughts would start and I would scream NO in my head. Out loud if I was home. I would say it over and over and picture myself choosing the happy road. The thoughts will keep trying. Maybe a whole day or longer and I would just fight them. Try to stay busy. Get out of the house. Go for a walk. Read a nice article. ANYTHING but allowing yourself to go down the rabbit hole! It’s not easy because it’s a hyperfocus. Your brain is telling you it wants to hyperfocus on giving yourself a beating. Hyperfocus is difficult to control BUT YOU CAN! I had to practice. Sometimes I would struggle with saying NO to the thoughts for up to a week BUT I didn’t go there. Eventually, I got really good at it and had almost 8-9 years of zero depressive moments like that. Because I trained myself not to go down that rabbit hole. My life feel apart after I had my son and lead to my diagnosis BUT I was in control for quite some time before that. I really hope this helps.
Also, ADHD runs in families BIG TIME! Is it possible that your Aunt also has it? I know ADHD is often associated with empathic people but the opposite end of the spectrum is ADHD without empathy beckase they can’t get out of their own head and actually think of others. Or maybe her spouse of siblings had it and she got used to being a certain way with people with ADHD and doesn’t even realize it.
If you see you’re doing well, concentrate on that. Don’t worry about miss cranky pants. Take your wins and celebrate them. She doesn’t have to be an expert in all of your idiosyncrasies and no body ever REALLY knows someone else. You know you. You know your progress, you know your effort, you know what’s considered a win for you, you are you’re own expert. Set your own standards and ACTUALLY celebrate them! She doesn’t have to agree with what is a win. Maybe a win for her is a million dollars. Good luck lady! My win is making a 2 note list and doing it! Time to celebrate 😁
Thanks for taking the time and effort for such a long reply! 🤗 Well, I didn't really go down the rabbit hole, it's kind of in control. I don't spiral down, I just know and feel a part of me is having those insecurities and that sadness, and I allow myself to feel the sadness waiting for it to pass. I know the rabbit hole very well. I dreamt of it, and that is a big red flag that warns me my c-ptsd was triggered, and that I have to be extra careful about my needs and processing emotions in a right and healthy way. And also that I have the right NOT to trust all the negative thoughts, as true as they seem, I know I'm not thinking straight.
Believe me, I know the rabbit hole. And I know there's way worse stuff than mere depression down there, in my case. And I also know that, in my case, pushing away negative thoughts disrespects the part of me that is believing those things and suffering, and this just makes it angrier at me. I used to do it, saying NOOOOO and just not listening, ignoring it. The result: that part broke the cage years after, way stronger, angrier, more violent and destructive than ever and almost killed us. I understood what she was just in time, I answered her rage with care and love, from a position of deeper knowledge and growth, and she noticed. I earned her trust and now we work together. She's never been mean to me again, when we are triggered she just feels sad, guilty and scared that our abusers were right all along, that we will never be good for anything and should disappear. And it's like she tells me she feels like this, she can't shake it off and is suffering greatly and asks me if abusers were right, and it's important for me to be rational and answer her I know how she feels, I literally feel her pain, but I also KNOW they weren't right, we are great, and she just has to trust me, rest and wait for it to pass. Because it will, eventually. We are stronger than this.
I'm sorry if I confused anyone, but yeah I think all that I went through created some compartmentalization in my head, almost like different people/parts of me in my head, like dissociative identity but not completely, if that makes the whole thing a little clearer.
It's hard not to let others influence our mood and our ability to celebrate ourselves and our accomplishments. It's hard when other's "expectations" are not clear, are thrust upon us, and are...frankly not fair. I grew up in a household that felt pretty unstable and explosive at times - it absolutely deteriorated my self esteem and feeling of "I did a thing!"
The spiral is a rough place to go, and I'm so glad that you are able to recognize when you're about to go into the hole, and how to help yourself and the spiral-y part of yourself when life gets that way.
Your TNT human sounds like they've got their own poop going on that has nothing to do with you. Don't let their explosions take you down with them. <3 Celebrate your victories, if you need someone else to help you with that, we're here for you!
obviously, i'm just a random human on the internet and i don't know you're whole life situation, but as humans we just are insecure sometimes, and sometimes that feels overwhelming. and when your brain cycles and fixates it's reeeeaaallly hard not to let the things that people say affect us. and sometimes it can stick around for a bit, but i hope you're able to see their critiques for what they are and know that you're doing your very best.
i hope that you are able to create the reality you want where you feel safe, valued, and loved the way you are.
(also i read below that you were planning on living on the streets at one point and i really hope that you never have those thoughts cross your mind again. it's extremely terrifying out there, even for well intentioned folks trying to create their own independent life. i worked in the homeless/housing sector for several years and it was always so heartbreaking to hear stories similar to yours where folks felt like that was their only option. there are lots of services available to help you out if your currently living situation is not okay/safe/healthy <3 xoxox and lots of care to you!) 🖤🖤🖤
Yeah, I know, it wasn't the best idea ever. I just wanted to know I had the guts to do it if it was my only option, rather than being stuck with abuse. Well, apparently I do have the guts, maybe next time it's best to ask for friends' help, look at available resources or something instead of going straight on the streets
I can relate to your negative self beliefs because I have a lot of those of my own. It sounds like your self beliefs that are negative are much like other peoples where they’re actually coming from an external source and aren’t factual but feel real nonetheless. The problem with these beliefs is that they generally come from just a few sources during our childhood or during a vulnerable time in our development and they get so deeply ingrained in our subconscious that we end up applying them to everybody and the way we think everybody sees us and we end up operating as if these beliefs and opinions are truths that cannot be argued. This is so unfortunate because usually negative beliefs caused by an external source are caused by an external source that needs a therapist of its own. An external source it’s taking its anger out on us. An external source that has no place saying what someone’s value worth or capabilities are.
I will admit that sometimes my ADHD causes me problems as well and since I am so very old now it’s always work problems and I always think I will never be normal, I will never be professional, I will never be good enough. And sometimes those thoughts find a way of proving themselves because our brain doesn’t like to disagree with our body. So that results in me making decisions based on these really negative beliefs that are already there, In other words I end up making really negative decisions. That being said I’ve gotten really far in life decisions and sometimes I think that my ADHD holds me back and other times it pushes me forward and it helps me because it gives me character and charisma and personality that really draws people in. I’ve always really liked people who have ADHD because while I know that they often are suffering I also think that they haveDebility to be far more clever than others much funnier than others more creative, and often times much more feeling. My advice to you if you want it, is wait a while and make your own decisions about your worth and don’t make it based on external messages. To me it sounds like you’re working really hard and that’s a sign of a good person who cares.Simply being a good person that cares is the most important thing in the world there can be nothing more important because without good people who care nothing is achieved and nothing is changed. Forgive my typos
Awww thanks. I too usually think that good and caring is enough, but sometimes I'm a lot insecure and wonder if I am beyond that, if I have to be better to compensate other negative things, I don't feel enough anyway and I question the very fact that I care, maybe I don't care enough, maybe I have to put more effort to keep being a person who cares. I've been gaslightined so much about this that I don't believe my own intentions, and I'm sure I'm not the only ADHDer who heard over and over "you're not trying hard enough, you're lazy, it's not difficult, you just don't want it!"I would really like to be able to work, but I'm terrified that my incompetence and chronic forgetfulness, distractibility, inconsistency and incapability will cause horrible damage. I just couldn't handle it right now, and I'm so fed up of having no indipendence and living at others expenses at 25, things of which I've been unapologetically reminded by TNT human in this very moment while writing this comment.
Right, I also don't drive for the same reason, I'm SURE I'd cause an accident, I totally panic at the driver seat. I'm trying so much to find some expedients to earn at least a little bit of money, because true: ADHD gives me creativity, curiosity, imagination and a few talents, but they're more on the artistic side and no one has money to spend on art, I hate the idea of living of art, but if that's the only thing I can try to approach right now it's better than nothing. But again, TNT human puts me down on this side. I am already insecure about what I do and I struggle not judging myself and my work, I don't need more negativity.
Once I just took off and went in a building site to spend the night. I had planned my life on the streets, how to stay clean, rise the necessary money for essentials and be fucking indipendent. Need would have made me feel motivated and allowed to try and sell my art, craft or abilities, although not perfect. But everyone was obviously worrying a lot, and that was absolutely not my goal, so I went back to my aunt's house.
I agree, I believe a lot of ADHD peeps have been traumatized by unrealistic expectations and extreme pressure combined with the pain of being constantly rejected by those who are supposed to love, care for, and support us. I believe you are not alone. I often have similar thoughts about having to compensate for what I view as shortcomings. I have learned to remind myself that those 'shortcomings' are *symptoms*, not personality traits. They have nothing to do with who I am as a person, and over the years I've learned to overcome a lot of them with coping skills. I can now seperate mself from my mental illness. I wish I had some magical advice about your living situation, it sounds like hell. My only thought is that going out on the streets has far more and longer lasting negative long-term impacts and for anyone in recovery, it is like stepping into a bear trap. Being in an unloving home with an abusive caretaker is harmful and a relapse risk as well, but easier to bounce back from in the long term. Whatever you end up doing, I believe you are a valid, loveable, worthy human. And there are others of us here to support you. I can hear that you are working hard to keep it together. I think you're doing a great job 💜💜💜
I’m glad I’m not the only one that has these problems ya right it’s not nice makes you feel worthless and wots the point then the head starts it helps if you have doctors with adhd well I did have one but now I have new one but feel like he doesn’t understand me or get wot I’m trying to say so then that makes me feel can’t talk to doctors and that cuz they ether don’t understand or think I’m mad or something makes me lose hope in lot of ways I will close up and I no that’s not good but wot do you do
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Interested in discussing ideas about ADHD with others like me and hearing their thoughts
Need advice on managing ADHD as an adult & parent
Has undiagnosed and therefore untreated, ADD/ADHD, caused any family dysfunction? Maybe multi-generaltional dysfunction?
Grrrr........my mother!!!😣
Love/Hate relationship with my mom
