Softie because of the executive disfunction?

[Nto84]

Despite working a lot about respect for my boundaries and owning my aggression instead of hiding it from myself during years of psychotherapy, I still have hard times when I have to confront people and say no to them. I cannot stand conflicts. Very often I am so anxious that I can hurt someone's feelings, that I try to avoid it at any cost. Even if it makes me very uncomfortable. Even if it comes to people, whom I don't know personally.

Recently I passed the test for executive disfunction, earning solid 60 points of 64 overall. At this point I realized, how much my life can be affected by it. And these days I am questioning myself about my weaknesses. So today I understood that my softness towards people at my own cost possibly has the same roots as my fear and unwillingness to do other unpleasant things (like making official phone calls, visiting bureaucratic institutions, going to the doctors, and so on).

Did you notice things like this in your life?

[MutantMom]

I totally relate to this, I not only try to avoid conflict at all cost, (well try is the key word), I sometimes even act as a people pleaser and give more than they ask

[Nto84 in reply to MutantMom]

Yes, I am probably the same here. But the problem is that I don't want to be like this. I have noone to protect me and support me. So I realize that at some point this may become very wrong.

[MutantMom in reply to Nto84]

I am trying to stop be like this as well, it is very overwhelming and energy consuming. And I agree that it's not good. I am trying and failing to say no😔.

[STEM_Dad]

I'm very much the same way, a regular "Mr Nice Guy". I don't like to cause others inconvenience, so I'll inconvenience myself. I'll yield to others' way of doing things, even in I'm sure that I know better.

Yes, I definitely have a hard time standing up for myself, or standing my ground.

However, I will stand up for others, to protect them and their needs; most especially, I will stand up for other disadvantaged people, to give them a chance to be seen and heard, and to have an opportunity to get their needs met.

So, if we know that we are equally important and equally deserving, why do we put ourselves last?

[Nto84 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Yes, for me it's also much easier to stand up for someone else. When it comes to protecting my kids, for example. Or other people with some kind of vulnerability. In these cases I can be a lioness. But when it comes to me, I am not. But I think, it's not because we are less important and less deserving. Probably that's how our brain works. Maybe protecting others is a much more powerful source of dopamine, and we just don't have enough of it for ourselves? The question is what to do with it.

[Wasted71years]

Read about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - that leads to people pleasing because inside we fear rejection and think it would be justified since we internalized that we are bad because of our behavior, lack of willpower, laziness, failure to pay attention . . .

[Ampersand1 in reply to Wasted71years]

From my experience, my similarities to Nto84 are part ADHD, part historical. "Boundaryless" behavior I learned from my role model while growing up are a part of my anxieties around social interactions, regardless of whether the people involved are best friends or complete strangers. The ADHD part seems to RSD. First time I read about that condition which afflicts so many with ADHD, I was shocked to find out that not everybody feels this way. It's still hard not to feel such strong rejection sensitivity feelings and you may never change that, but at least having awareness can help you understand in hindsight why a seemingly uneventful interaction could be so triggering to me.

[Rosiepainter in reply to Ampersand1]

I too, am 71 and finally realized that I have ADHD after reading the December issue of the AARP magazine. Symptoms were listed and I checked all but one. My husband read the symptoms and said immediately, “Oh yeah, that’s you!” I mentioned this to my daughter in law and she told me my son had just been diagnosed with ADHD. He has started medication and feels better. Finding anyone in my area isn’t easy and/or they aren’t accepting new patients. I will be joining a ADHD support group soon and seeing a psychiatrist in June.

I can certainly relate to being a people pleaser. I was that way as a child and so very easy to raise compared to my stubborn brother. I am a retired dental hygienist and it was a job that was a good choice. I have always had to “over study” anything to remember but particularly science and math. I had to “pound” it in my head. I did manage to do good in school because I was highly motivated to do so but it took so much effort. In my dental hygiene job, I was able to hyper focus, somehow able to carry on a limited conversation, comfort uncomfortable patients, clean teeth, analyze a patient’s dental health, stay mostly in time, and communicate effectively with the dentist and staff. It wasn’t easy though. Inside I sometimes was very anxious myself but found focusing on my patient, I could raise above my own anxiety. I found that it was very difficult to advocate for myself, like in meetings or asking for a raise. I had to rehearse it in my mind and be prepared.

I am impulsive and don’t take time to filter what I say at times like my mother but I try. Sometimes I say things I wished I hadn’t and other times I wish I would have said things. I analyze everything and ruminate way too much. However, that can be a good thing at times. I can figure out solutions but take way too long to do so, analyzing everything from every angle. When I am with another analytical person like me, I actually enjoy the lengthy discussions. When I am with friends who make decisions quickly and find solutions, I am in awe, how do they do that so quickly??

I started college as an art major and can say it was usually easy for me and something I always loved doing. With my brain and personality though, I felt different from other art students who dressed differently and did a different, more creative type of art. I preferred realistic, analytical type art. For that reason and being very logical, it was not a way to support myself so eventually pursued a dental career. I used art as a hobby throughout the years until the mid 90’s and began watercolor painting I fell in love with that medium and pursued it, joining galleries, entering shows, etc. I have backed off from the business end of it and paint only what I want to paint when I want to. When it became a business, I didn’t enjoy it as much. However, when I retired 10 years ago from dental hygiene, I started teaching friends watercolor painting. I really do enjoy it and realize I am very good at critiquing and problem solving. Since then I have had other students join my class. I could expand it to more people but prefer keeping it small and more social.

I am wandering off the subject as usual, always seeing squirrels and can’t stick to a subject. Then I forget what I originally started talking about. Does that sound familiar? I am relieved that I have discovered a reason for my madness, so to speak, even if I don’t find relief or change anything from my ADHD. My life just makes more sense, and I have adjusted fine to it, even with my mental condition. A psychologist friend asked me, “Do you want to change yourself, the way you are?” I couldn’t answer that right away. I have adjusted and accepted the way I am. I do like myself. However, if there’s a way to focus better and improve my memory, I would welcome that aspect.

That’s my long story and I am sticking to it!