The beginning of the end of a relationship

[Chiara09]

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I've been dating my boyfriend for practically a year. At first, everything was fine and nice. Several little things happened that made us both distrust each other. We started with constant little fights over explosive anger but he was always there and he was patient with me. But lately, my annoyances have grown much more. I get to the point of insulting him and his friends. Then I regretted it and felt really bad for saying all those things. Despite this, he was patient with me. But lately, my annoyances have increased and have been more followed. He has been very stressed lately from work and I have only paid for his stress.

I have just been diagnosed with ADD and due to different problems, I have not been able to go to therapy.

All I do is read about it but it doesn't seem to work. I really love him very much but my impulsiveness and anger I can't control. Also, my anxiety has increased, I can't sleep well, the feeling of chest pain and shortness of breath now lasts much longer.

Any advice?

[PunchInTheFace]

As a fellow ADHD surviving being, I could say I have experienced some of your problems and other issues. I suggest you to take an hour off your schedule every day for writing about yourself, stuff like what makes you angry/annoyed/disturbed/happy etc and your behavior and thoughts at those moments (basically CBT therapy), identify those situations and try to develop conscious thinking during that time. This needs practice (which I have been doing lately) and patience, but after sometime, you see the changes that would indeed surprise you (saying from my experience).

The best things to do are to know more about yourself and your behaviors, thoughts, emotions at times, and getting comfortable with yourself. Expressing gratitude is the most important thing. Do some workouts, meditation (even if it is for just 2-3 min), meet people and share your experiences with the closed ones. It takes time and patience but you definitely see the results, trust me.

Write down your annoying situations, thoughts during that time, what alternate thoughts (positive) you could possibly think to not feel annoyed. I will tell you about one of my experiences.

I have a friend who is close to me and helps in many ways. However, when I ask for help with certain things, he always says he doesn't have time and he is busy, yet I see him watching Youtube videos, talking over phone etc. I used to get angry and show my frustration towards him, sometimes saying things that possibly hurt him. I wasn't conscious about my impulsiveness during those moments. After meeting a psychologist and with few talk sessions, I started analyzing things in a different way, I understood that he helps me with many things that are possible to him. With other things, they seem not very important in his perspective, so he was not much interested. In fact I realized that I was actually forcing him to help me with things that he was not interested. So I only asked him for help with certain things that he could do and not the others. Now I don't feel annoyed and angry with him anymore and our relationship got much better.

Stop being guilty of your mistakes and start thinking of how not to repeat them by analyzing them and finding positive thoughts. Become comfortable with yourself and practice gratitude. Maintaining journal is very important. Learn from your mistakes (it's not just a quote, really do it). Don't give up easily, for you can only see the results with persistence. Share your experiences with your boyfriend and know how he feels in those situations. Be kind to him and express your gratitude towards him.

Hope you could find this useful. Wish you the best. Take care 😀

P.S. I spent almost an hour to write this. I would be really happy if this could make some positive change in your life. Good luck 😄

Edit: I just found a webinar related to your issue which could start in another 16 hours, which I hope could help you.

chadd.org/webinars/ask-the-...

[RollingThunder in reply to PunchInTheFace]

Wow, PunchinTheFace, that was a great response! I could not have said it better myself, literally! Is you name a reference to “Well, if that is not a big over the head ... “?

[Chiara09 in reply to PunchInTheFace]

First, I wanna tell you sorry for not responded your message early. I read your response like a day before you posted it. But then I had a really ugly fight with my boyfriend and I don't know why I couldn't answer you. But you helped me a lot because it one of my first posts in this community and really felt like finally have someone who supported me. I started to write it down before exploding with angry the reasons why I was angry about and it helps me to calm down.

I also downloaded an app for writing down the things that I'm grateful for and tried to write every day as you said.

And I'm glad that you can figure out the things with your friend. Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer me! It really helps me a lot 😊!!

[tim_tam]

I commend you for asking for help, sometimes that can be one of the hardest parts. Reading about it and learning what you can to manage symptoms is good but I hear you that sometimes it's not enough, but it's definitely the right direction. Him being patient with you also is a good sign that you two can figure this out together! For the specific problems like anger and arguments, I would say try figuring out signals you can give to him or him to you to let each other know that a conversation isnt productive anymore and you need to take a step back. You could also try texting or writing out what you have to say to try and avoid directing any frustration or anger towards him. Theres lots of other things you could try but start with these and know theres a community here to support you and were all rooting for you

[RollingThunder]

Hi Chiara09 ,It is not easy living with ADD and it makes it doubly hard when your Partner has ADHD, I know because it sounds like me and my husband. I think the most important thing to remember is that you are both struggling. If he makes you irritated then you must make him irritated as well. Give each other a lot of latitude. You want forgiveness for what you do and he wants forgiveness as well. I try to remember when he forgets to do something, that I have also forgotten to do things as well. I deal with ADD, by having a calendar daily schedule that I try to adhere to; concerning, Meds, Exercise, Meals, Sleep, etc. We can be distracted and then all those things we are supposed to do, didn’t! I would also seek out DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) counseling For your anger management. It is great program and you will get a lot of Support and techniques for controlling your responses. If there is anything specific you would like to know just pose a question and you will get back several responses From the group. Hugs 🤗

[FearIsALiar]

I know how you feel. Ever since my breakup been having shortness of breath constant every single day...sometimes I get chest pains too.

Sorry you’re dealing with this. I know how difficult it can be.

[Chiara09 in reply to FearIsALiar]

That happened to me too! But it would pass. Everything passes over time. In the short term, try to keep busy. Get out there, enroll in a course, or hang out with your friends. In the future, you will see that you will have learned a lot from that relationship 😊

[FearIsALiar in reply to Chiara09]

Thanks!!

[iWasSunshine]

Hi Chiara09,

I didn’t read everyone’s responses, but my advice is to get an ADHD coach. I got one in July and still believe it was the best things I’ve ever chosen to do.

Here is a link to my coach’s podcast so you can check it out!

podcasts.apple.com/us/podca...