Medication isn’t an option / what are your top helps in daily life?

[Boo0102]

Hi. I’m a 57yo woman who was diagnosed 12 years ago when our eldest was 7. Quickly went on Vyvanse and it was like a new world. However, after a few months found out that I have a heart condition (Vasovagal response) and so can’t take stimulants. I’ve tried cleaning up diet, but have recently fallen back into sugar a bit. So I was wondering what top tips people might have for managing inconsistency, procrastination, disordered house, and parenting ADHD teens as well? Big ask, just wanted to open up convo where meds aren’t involved. Thanks all.

[JW621]

Well I would figure to have a set plan and a small notepad that you can carry around with a to do list. Maybe a calendar app. I’m sorry it must be hard. We all struggle without meds for us adhd’ers. Set boundaries. Good luck

[KTUK]

Hello,

My Dad and I have ADHD which hugely impacted me as he had many great coping strategies. I also have an 11 and 12 year old so bear in mind that some of the tips below won't be as relevant but I hope you still find them useful.

Emotional tips (and parenting)

Make sure your children really understand the key issues that you have which they can have an impact on and that they understand the science behind ADHD. Even if you've thought (and overthought!) about all of your specific struggles, you may not have clearly (and calmly) vocalised them and they may not even know exactly how to help even if they wanted to. Emphasise that it is actually a disability and that they should take it seriously. Show them how to help if you need to.

My Dad used to emphasis that putting the time in to work out what I want my day/week/life to look like and looking at all the obstacles to achieving them is worthwhile. Also, know your values because why would you bother filling your life with tasks which aren't actually important to you? He valued having a happy house over it being tidy and that really stuck with me.

Looking at obstacles rather than actions is more useful because our brains just don't do things because they are logical. I wanted to exercise regularly but found it time-consuming and so bloody boring. To solve this, I bought an indoor exercise bike and I paired going on my bike with when I check the news on my phone. I think pairing boring habits with interesting ones is a really great way at improving consistency. ADHD-ers are great at creatively solving a problem so use this skill to your advantage! Don't try to introduce too many new things at once though, take a couple of improvements at a time.

I have my 'ideal' daily routine written out but I slip up frequently and then I just try again or slightly edit it down - bad days happen to everyone. I think people with ADHD may be inconsistent but that makes us really flexible too, so just try to change your attitude to that quality if you can. It's not the end of the world if you haven't done everything you imagined you would each day - be realistic about your expectations particularly when it comes to how clean your house is. And remember that your teens are looking at how you handle these frustrations. I saw how my Dad handled his 'inadequacies' - with forgiveness, grace and humour - and this has made me try to do the same.

Parenting teens must be hard whether you have ADHD or not. I think research says it's the most stressful time of a parents life! However, so many of your qualities will have made you an amazing mum. You might be easily distracted like me but my kids say that makes me spontaneous and fun. Or maybe you can be sensitive but that makes me kinder and more open-minded and understanding of my children's struggles. The list is endless, focus on the positives and let go of stressing, nagging or being strict about things that really don't matter or align with your values.

Other practical tips

I would highly recommend the Sweepy app. It costs £3 a month but it's changed my family's life. The children have to complete set tasks each day to get points which determines their weekly allowance. We have set up a room which is renamed 'Health' and that includes exercise, eating vegetables, washing hair etc. Anything that takes time and is vital basically, it's not just 'chores'. We assign tasks to different members of the household (Do 3 things from my To Do list, reply to 3 personal emails, for example, would be just assigned to me). It takes awhile to set up and we have to adapt it occasionally but it's worth it. It takes a huge amount of stress out my life as I don't have to remember everything and it gives a structure to your day. Also all the points adding up gives everyone a great dopamine rush!

Have a master To Do list of everything except the stuff on Sweepy and brain dump thoughout the day onto this list. In the morning another paired habit I have is to have my breakfast and look at this list, removing the stuff that was just a flying thought from the day before and leaving things which will actually add value to my life.

If you're like me you'll might have lots of tabs open and emails you haven't responded to. Use Sweepy to tell you when you should spend specific time closing tabs and going through emails. This avoids you carrying burdens all day, checking your phone all the time but not actually dealing with the email. And say no to people asking you to do things - if they really care about it they'll work out another way to get it done.

Health tips

I don't eat many carbs in the day because it slows my brain down. I have meat, cheese, nuts, veg, hummus for lunch instead. I then have a delicious evening meal with my family with a little desert if I fancy it. My Dad taught me this and it really does work to keep you focussed and happy.

I do light cardio in the morning and then little exercises in the day randomly, like 10 squats whilst the kettle is boiling or some stretches before I eat my lunch. My kids used to mock me but now I catch them doing it! I cannot stress how much of a difference even small amounts of exercise help me with procrastination, patience when parenting etc.

Work out which vitamins work well for you. There's lots of info online but just ask if you want to know specifically what I take.

Keep things simple and limit decisions that you have to make - for example I have the same breakfast every day (natural yoghurt and berries).

Meditation is great for getting to sleep and for calming down when your children do something stupid. It's boring but it really works.

To summarise, I think that the more helpful habits you create, the better your life will be but let go of perfection and remember what is actually important to you. It takes time and effort to build habits, work out where your obstacles are and deal with them first. Prioritise yourself, your kids will notice and they'll respect you more for doing it (eventually).

Most importantly, when you think about your teens looking back at their childhood, do you want them to think: 'My house was so clean and organised', or: 'My Mum was so kind and fun!' It's up to you.

[Boo0102 in reply to KTUK]

@KTUK Thank you so much for taking the time to voice such a helpful, well said and helpful response. It sounds like your Dad, despite his ADHD is a great role model in your life. I know my kids are watching and learning, whether it’s the good or the not so good, it’s being imprinted on them. That’s what’s really scary honestly. But that’s true whether ADHD is in the picture or not. Our eldest (19yos) has ADHD, depression, and a few other things all for which he refuses to take meds. Our youngest (16yos) has high functioning autism, ADHD, depression, and anxiety. And my husband is probably on the spectrum with a little ADHD thrown in, but all undiagnosed. It makes for an interesting (read challenging) family life.

I agree that a bit of movement/exercise helps your brain. I think I will work on that for myself (sort of imposed right now as I’m doing physical therapy for rehab of a hip replacement), then see if I can influence the rest of my family.

I really liked your comment about work out what your obstacles are and tackle them first. Most of the time it’s just a free for all with everything going on at once. I’ve tried different approaches, but not one that tackles them in that way.

Again thanks for your reply. I know I will re-read it many times!

[artist17]

I'm still not on meds (will try whatever the doc decides) but I'd love to hear about the non-med strategies. I've been writing everything down in my calendar (I have a weekly planner) and I use lots of appointments on my phone/work calendar. I also just bought this little timer for my desk to help keep me focused on a task for short bits of time.

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

There are non-stimulant options, but you need a prescriber who is aware of them, and they're not the first choice drugs. If you do a little Google search of meds used to treat ADHD, you'll find there's a couple antidepressants that are used and probably a few others.

[Boo0102 in reply to F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Yes, I tried Strattera a few years ago but had to stop due to side effects. I do take Wellbutrin which is supposed to aid a bit with ADHD.

[ArtsieSteph]

I know with myself as a 30 year old I find that exercise and being active really helps my brain. It helps me to focus on things and it also helps me to think a bit more organically. I’m currently not looking for any medication either, just finding ways to get my brain to slow down a little

[Wildbrain]

Hi Boo0102,

I think it’s definitely best you’re NOT taking Vyvance with a heart condition. I felt Vyvance was doing something strange to my heart even though I expect I don’t have a heart condition. It’s one of the main reasons I quit using it. I don’t believe ADHD is something worth risking issue with your heart...

Your situation sounds extremely challenging so I won’t claim to have any great advice. I just wish you lots of love and patience for and from everyone around you!

Personally I find planning ahead as much as possible helps as others have pointed out. I have daily reminders to plan my day in the morning (in writing in a notebook that’s open in front of me at my desk), and reminders to discuss next day with my wife in the evening. When I actually pay attention to those reminders it really help me at least feel like I’m on top of things. I’m still constantly forgetting things and getting my wife furious but it helps a bit

[BlueDaydreamer]

Hi Boo0102, I know you asked this question 2 months ago but I'm new and it just popped up somewhere on my feed. I wanted to add, that I do make lots of lists in various notebooks, but I'm a stacker, so I often forget where my notebook is, or which stack I'm currently using. But I tend to forget a lot, with my ADHD. So I make memos on my phone, I downloaded an app and I love the app on my phone because I can either cross things off, or edit them or delete them. It helps me to realize what I've accomplished that day, and I can delete the items I did at the end of the day and add new items with the ones I didn't yet accomplish, and I'll change the date at the top. my phone app notebook is called Color Note. I also use my calendar, and I will check it for the next day in the evening. That helps for doctor's appointments, or counseling or seeing my granddaughter or kids. But I also always set my alarms the night before. I don't just set them for getting up, I set them to eat and take my morning and night meds, and if I am going somewhere the next day I build in alarms to do each step I take to get ready and work my way backwards toward when I have to get up, or if it's later in the day I just go....I have a counseling appointment online at 3:30pm, so I need to log on to the website at 3:20pm, so I set an alarm for that. I set an alarm for turning my computer on at 2:45pm, in case it has to update before my appointment, and so on. I used to be late all the time, but since I started setting my alarms the night before, I'm punctual. Since I have a poor sense of time, it took me awhile to get the amount of time down, but I usually give myself extra time for each thing so if something goes wrong, I have a little bit of wiggle room. I don't know if you will have time to put in wiggle room, with your sons and active household. But when I had nanny jobs I set alarms for everything the kids had to do and any medications or vitamins they needed to take, and I'd set alarms for packing their lunch and putting it in their backpacks. It really has changed my life. I hope you find this helpful, and anyone else who is interested in this topic. Take care! Hugs! 😊