I'm 30 and I was just diagnosed with ADHD. I'm new here: first post. I've felt something in me since I was a child but I never presented in the stereotypical ways. My brother literally bounced off the walls and got diagnosed at 5, I couldn't stop thinking or fidgeting but I knew I shouldn't fidget so I thought about that.. while fidgeting. While pausing, then I did something else and forgot my leg was bouncing up and down while the movie played.... fast forward 25 years, and I've found so many coping skills that for years I believed I was just more intellectually capable mixed with motivated (and circumstance) that led me to succeed academically and professionally. I'm successful, so to speak, and can maintain my own life, a blessing, I know.
But I think now... at what cost? And what does this mean for me now? Doc is like you're doing fine right? nothing wrong right? you can keep your job yeah? Then maybe it's not that bad or you're resilient and your coping mechanisms work...
I do not share some the same experiences here as others. I realize this is different for everyone... I feel like a fraud on some level because of my functionality. I feel sad and yet proud of how well I've been able to mask and cope and push so hard the plastic rips... and yet, I still don't really understand what is happening to me now, and what happened to me in my childhood and young adult life. I think of the years I couldn't sleep more than 4 hours a night... I think of how I've loved to "multitask"... I think of how sports was the only thing to help me find discipline...I think of the girl who couldn't stop moving, and when she did, her mind spiralled...I think of the woman now who started 3 new projects by the afternoon, forgot to eat, didn't do the actual task set for the day, then found herself here 5 minutes before her therapy session... typing away
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darthrhetor
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Oh boy are we similar! I didn’t really realize until my mom passed about 5 yrs ago that I had to deal with the issue but a long time childhood friend had told me I had adhd after she discovered it for herself and really started to understand it. I took a light dose of adderol one time and was almost numb. Being diagnosed as an adult is also suspicious to the Med community and I still feel so guilty with the way the meds are treated by insurance yet my brain is otherwise scrambled if I don’t take it. I was told since I can remember that I would be late to my own funeral as I am overly optimistic about time when really it’s about being at my best when I’m under pressure. It’s when my brain is forced to focus and get something done which is how is guess I focused my entire life. I was so busy as a ballet dancer when i was in school and all of the school activities I rarely had downtime which was the discipline for me as well. I struggle with this in a major way now and see how it’s impacted me over the years career wise as once I’m not longer challenged enough I switch gears quickly and can move onto something new even new industries. Covid has created challenges as I’m used to traveling which again limits my time therefore brings on the discipline but working from home without transitions and forced schedules has made me a complete mess organizational wise and I know I can fix it but there is this block or lack of commitment.
My experience has been similar to yours. At age 57, I have not had significant issues with employment, driving, the law, broken marriage (thank goodness), etc. There are some psychologists who might say that I don't show signs of clinical distress and therefore do not qualify for the diagnosis. But since having learned that I have adhd, the medication and the awareness of what's going on in my brain have shown me how much of an impact adhd has on me even though on the surface everything looks good.
The only reason I thought I might have adhd is that when I saw a psychiatrist for a consultation about my PTSD, mood instability, and dysthymia in 2018, he wrote in his notes that, among other things, I seemed "unfocused" and suggested I try guanfacine for the "attention deficit that is likely." The prescriber I began working with had the same idea and eventually convinced me to try a psychostimulant. After fifteen years of trying to find the right psych med mix, the psychostimulant is the only that has had the most significant positive effect on my life. A comprehensive and formal evaluation with an ADHD specialist confirmed the diagnosis.
In the early stages of making sense of the diagnosis, I did a bunch of research and found out a few things that I identified with:
* Some people are able to develop compensation strategies for the more obvious issues (e.g., I never loose my keys because, due to my anxiety, I am able to adhere to consistently returning them to the exact same place every time);
* My high level of general anxiety has driven me to create and stick to routines in other areas as well;
* An adult can appear to have overcome all the troublesome symptoms of ADHD in adulthood, but inattention never goes away (psychostimulants have been very helpful for me in this regard);
* For whatever reason, I am good at organizing things so, for example, I have been able to use a bullet journal in a helpful way (see the "How to ADHD" channel on YouTube for videos on the bullet journal concept);* Rejection sensitive dysforia, which is common for people who have ADHD, explains why it has taken me decades to avoid letting criticism (or what I perceive as criticism) bother me for many days.
The ability to compensate and, as you say, "mask" adhd behaviors can be particularly strong among people who go through higher education and become lawyers, doctors, etc. They got there by exerting enough energy and willpower to overcome the adhd (it gets really tiring after a while). This is why the diagnosis can come as a surprise.
Others may only discover their adhd when a life-change increases cognitive load and they cannot manage (e.g., starting college, the loss of a spouse who compensated for adhd issues without either partner realizing what had been going on, etc.).
Either way, the adhd wasn't obvious in early education. This is particularly the case for females because they tend to be of the inattentive (and thus less externally expressed) type. As I learned about all this, and reviewed my life in light of my diagnosis, some things began to make more sense. For example, my formal diagnosis showed that my working memory for numbers is in the 16th percentile. All of my problems with math suddenly made sense; it's not that I was stupid -- my brain is just wired differently.
I could go on and on about all of this, but assessing my other priorities for today, and not wanting to try the attention of even a neurotypical reader, I will stop here
Hi, can you tell me how you discovered the right combination of meds? I’m in the process and has been mainly diagnosed with depression until recently when an ADHD diagnosis was made, so have only been tinkering around with those for a year and a half in earnest. I’m not sure if I need better guidance from my providers or I should feel definitively different, but what I’ve tried so far hasn’t seemed like it works. But I’m not sure if it’s the meds or the chaos in my life or what. I’ve been told meds can be an important part of treating ADHD, but have not yet found any relief.
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