Knowledge Isn't Enough

[PinkPanda23]

Hi Everyone!

I've been reading and responding for several months, but this is my first OP. ADHD was diagnosed at 54, I'm almost 67 now. At the time, I was still working, and Vyvanse was a small miracle! After several years, I got breast cancer and stopped meds while I went through chemo and radiation. When I started Vyvanse again, I developed tardive dyskenesia, and we tried seven different meds which all either triggered TD, or at lower doses didn't help my ADHD. We even tried combining with anti-TD meds without success. So, no meds for about 8 years now. I retired at 62, so the urgency for meds wasn't as strong. Now, I couldn't take any stimulants anyway because the chemo attacked my heart, and I have heart failure with a pacemaker/defibrillator. That should give you enough background, but feel free to ask.

Well, of course I still have ADHD! And combined with some of the little declines of mental acuity of aging, I'm a bit of a mess. Certainly I have ALL of the symptoms that drive us nuts, and our neurotypical families as well. I'm addicted to my electronics, and I have more than my share of ADHD clutter. I'm often impulsive and tend to over eat. If I were single, my levels of coping would be sufficient for me - I pay bills and cook and do hygiene cleaning so there's no problem with pests or anything like that. But I share a home with an OCPD husband, and that's difficult. I feel ashamed more times than not for my "failure to be normal." No amount of intellect and knowledge and self-affirmation can really chase that away. I do respond to the slightest praise and affirmation from others, which makes sense since I've listened to them tell me my failings all of my life.

So what I'm interested in is how you make yourself do things that you either don't want to do, or forget to do, to coexist more peacefully in a home, without meds. If I remember 7 times out of 10, I think that's pretty good! But my partner notices the 3 times I forget...so shame. And a bit of resentment, too! No amount of annoyance or disapproval is going to make me neurotypical. And we have a really good relationship considering the ADHD elephant in the room. Oh, yes - I do see a counselor, as does he, and we're on the waiting list for marriage counseling too, to see if we can learn better communications to accommodate our two metal illnesses. Thanks for your insights and suggestions!

[Gettingittogether]

And we have a really good relationship considering the ADHD elephant in the room.

And the OCPD in the room as well, right? Does hubby get a pass for his condition? Hope not.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to Gettingittogether]

No, as I said we both get counseling. But this is MY story. And I can only do something about myself. It's simpler that way, when I just own my side of the street.

[Gettingittogether in reply to PinkPanda23]

But you're setting yourself up as the bad partner because you forget things. When you are with someone who over-remembers things!

Cleaning up your part of the situation does not mean being mean to yourself and giving another person with a condition a pass. Is your partner doing work and posting somewhere that they need to clean up their obsessiveness?

One of the problems with ADHD is the shame of having ADHD. The shame is part of the problem. Sometimes the shame is a bigger problem than the actual symptoms of the condition. And you mention shame multiple times in your post.

What if cleaning up your part of the issue is to not allow yourself to be shamed?! If you're trying to reduce symptoms to reduce shame, I'm not sure you ever get there. I think it goes the other way. You reduce shame and then it's easier to think and be creative and to have some patience (required) to reduce symptoms. And you want to reduce symptoms for YOU! Not because of someone else's standards. BTW: this dynamic of a more organized person/ more money saving person (pick the quality) shaming the less organized person/more spendy person ... happens all the time in marriages that don't have ADHD as a factor.

Generally people with ADHD will NEVER be as neat/clean/organized and remembering as a partner without ADHD. That's fine. We want to accept that and put a limit/floor under us so we don't descend into total chaos. And we want to pick a few areas where we might be able to make progress because progress makes OUR live easier and more peaceful--not to please a partner.

Do you have problems keeping a job? Do you bounce a lot of checks that put household finances in trouble? Do you lash out impulsively and cruelly at your partner repeatedly? Do your symptoms lead to you living in squalor?

What's in it for YOto reduce these symptoms? Don't care about what your partner thinks--what's in it for you? And if you had to pick one or two symptoms/behaviors to work on (that's all you can work on at one time) what would they be?

Example: I'm single/divorced. I work on my ADHD symptoms largely to make my own life less stressful. I hate misplacing keys? I hate when my living space gets so messy I can't find things. I have a great calendar reminder system that allows me to not stress about forgetting events. I would like to do my paid work faster and with less stress--and I've been working on that with more planning and so on.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to Gettingittogether]

I appreciate your long input. Most of what you suggest are things that are already in various stages of process in my life. I have quite a bit of success with having a place for my keys (clipped to my purse), automatic bill paying or calendar reminders to pay, putting EVERYTHING on our shared calendar for appointments and dates. I've learned how not to be late.

I think you're focusing too much on my husband and my allowing him to shame me etc. We have a very solid marriage with help from counseling on both sides regarding our respective diagnosis. You sound a bit angry, and that's more your reaction than mine...

I'm just looking for hints on how people navigate the daily business of sharing their households and lives with others who don't have ADHD. Maybe you do something that would be cool for me to try? A certain way to do a chore or task that used to be problematic? A way to approach things mentally to not be overwhelmed by a bigger project? Practical things to ease my days or mental blocks.

[Knitting20projects]

KC Davis maybe? Her Struggle Care book is such a different perspective from how I was raised. I don’t know if your husband would react to it. For your mental health, it might be life changing 💕💕💕

[PinkPanda23]

Not familiar with this, but will research. And thank you! 🤗

[Knitting20projects]

KC Davis has a website & a Tik Tok channel too. She has some checklists for sale on website that have good ideas.

[Greenbeeps]

well….the thing that really stuck out for me (apart from ‘my partner noticed the things I forget’ 😠’ was…And we have a really good relationship considering the ADHD elephant in the room…

Think about it….if you were disabled in a different way (and you might be because of your heart problems ) you wouldn’t describe these as ‘the elephant in the room’

By referring to your ADHD in this way it is minimising the seriousness of it….despite it actually being bloody useful in many areas!!!….does your husband ever focus on that?….my husband is the same and we are on the way to divorce….(unless a miracle happens)

Because society has an unwritten list of what makes a person a fully functioning and healthy adult…those that are neurodiverse are always trying to ‘fit in’ with this script!!!

Well…it’s b***ox….the more you’re trying to fit in, hide the elephant in the room, compensate for the elephant in the room…the more you will be having to handle different emotions that don’t need to be handled if the ADHD was just accepted!

This is who you are and you are great! Does your husband consider his OCPD as an elephant in the room? Or do you?

Look into how you can improve your own self worth as well as counselling…there’s limits to what you ‘should’ have to do to change if it’s impossible!! You shouldn’t be ‘bullied’ into it!

Good luck xx

[Rodster]

It sounds like your husbands failure to be normal is making your failure to be normal worse. Seven out of 10 is fantastic. I think you all are on the right path. You didn’t mention if you tried any non-stimulant medication. I take bupropion and I’m not sure if it helps me remember any better but it sure helps me be in a better mood and negotiate life better.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to Rodster]

Thank you! We tried both stimulants and non-stimulants with the seven drugs a few years ago. Just tried bupropion a few months ago, and I got a bad continuous headache for the three weeks I was on it, which went away in two days after stopping the med.

[NYCmom2]

You’re doing the emotional, therapeutic work and getting results! I wish my parents who are 66 years old and untreated ADHD would do a tiny bit of the work you’re doing.

Give yourself credit, pat yourself on the back. Read some books or listen to podcasts about self acceptance, self trust, self affirmations.

I use lots of alarms on my phone and the timer on my oven to remind me to do things.

podcast recommendation:

Women & ADHD: Interviews with Katy Weber

Episode 139 with María-Victoria Albina People pleasing, codependency and emotional outsourcing

[PinkPanda23 in reply to NYCmom2]

Thank you! I use the oven timer for remembering everything, too. I just got a loud kitchen timer to have next to me when I'm on my electronics, to shock me into stopping the play and going back to chores. I tend to pick up my tablet when I'm resting between chores, and fall right into the rabbit hole. So hoping this loud ringer will help me be more productive.

[Knitting20projects in reply to PinkPanda23]

I don’t know if you’ve tried a “visual timer”? We use them for my kids (autism, can help them with transitions between activities). I’ve found it helps me “see” time passing and keep myself on track. I ordered them on Amazon.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to Knitting20projects]

Thank you! Not yet, I'm more responsive to sound if it's loud enough. Good to know these exist if I need additional help in this area.

[Knitting20projects in reply to PinkPanda23]

It “beeps” also. It just has a visual countdown in addition so you can see time elapse. You can adjust the volume, too.

[ADDulting]

Have you tried Wellbutrin for ADHD? Talk to your doctor.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to ADDulting]

Yes. One of nine drugs we tried. My body chemistry does not tolerate them since I had chemotherapy.

[PATSEY009]

Hi PinkPanda23, I certainly can relate to pretty much most of your story. Diagnosed in 2017 with cancer...here it comes!!! The total shock (doctors said the C word but all I heard was the word death/dead). Went thru 2 surgeries and am in remission (so they tell me, but I still have stomach problems). Now just last year the doc(S) told me I have OCD/ADHD. Whaaaaat!!?? I guess I still have a little bit of my 'sense of humor left. 😕 I'm so self-conscious about everything. My looks/weight/attitude. I do not want to eat and went down to a terrible weight of 98-100lbs. I used to be outdoorsy, but now I am a total introvert-with which my partner is NOT! Oh, btw I will be 56 in August, never married, same partner for 12 yrs and still feel lonely. I only want to speak/write/type/even just getting out-of-bed in the morning, b/c I do NOT want to face the world or people in general. I see a therapist as well, not too sure yet if it's helping but, perhaps it is b/c after all... I am replying to this message. I feel guilty at times and selfish, but that is NOT me. (Been in nursing for over 20yrs, believe it or not). I'm on SSDI, working a little 8 hours a week only, b/c I feel like that's all I can do physically AND mentally. I am afraid I go back at @40 hrs for fear of failure once again! I'm ALWAYS beating myself up, have depression/anxiety, and am on a slew of medications...which I TOTALLY HATE! I am trying other avenues, but have given up. I'm glad I am not alone regarding my issues at least. Maybe going back into yoga, who knows? I wish you only the best for you and your husband. God bless-Patty 😊

[PinkPanda23]

Thank you for responding! First of all, congratulations on your NED remission! When cancer becomes part of your life, everything else takes a back seat. It's all about the fight, and survival. I definitely looked at my life and was glad I could say I had a good one if it would have been my time to go. I already knew I had ADHD when I was diagnosed, so I used it as my superpower! Because of my attention issues, I was and am able to stay in the moment. That is a skill!

If your diagnosis is new, you will learn that you have already developed a lot of coping mechanisms to compensate for ADHD. And your OCD might be one of them! If you know you have attention issues, developing strict patterns to make sure that, for example, you give the right meds to the right patient is important. Hopefully, your therapist has experience with both diagnoses. If not, ask for a referral to someone who does.

This forum is becoming very helpful to me in the months I have been here. I hope you find a connection with others in our shoes here.

[Credit]

First of all, I am impressed and inspired by your writing and responses. Just wanted to chime in regarding medicine alternatives if none other is possible: have you tried meditation? If not already, you might find Andrew Huberman's podcast episode regarding adhd and meditation interesting; I also read Gabor Maté's recent book about his own adhd, and the role of deep emotions on adhd in general. Wishing you all the best,

[PinkPanda23]

Thank you for your compliment and also for the ideas. I am a sober alcoholic since 1992, and meditation is a daily practice for me through 12 step work. (Drinking was an attempt at self-medicating when I didn't have a diagnosis. Mixed results!😉) I will pursue your lead.