💡 A Question for the Neuro-Typical Spouse 💡

[iWasSunshine]

Hey guys!

I had a conversation with my husband last night and he posed this question:

➡️“How can I get from surviving to feeling like this relationship is something I’m happy about and want to nurture?”

I’d be appreciative if any non-ADHDers want to chime in here.

I know that I can’t snap my fingers and get him to a better place with this no matter how hard I want to, but I guess I’d like another perspective.

Thanks in advance!

☀️

[GatsbyCat]

Hello, iWasSunshine~

Sorry, I have ADHD too... but this is a very helpful book: The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD

Kohlenberger LMFT, Nancie, Orlov, Melissa

And, in the current book I am reading, Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley, PhD one of the things that I've adopted is to have a small journal notebook with me at all times. That way, I can refer to it during the day, and not have to worry about forgetting something important, which my ADHD brain will do more than 1/2 the time..

I also sat down with my sweetheart and asked him directly:

What would make you happy in our relationship... this will of course be unique to your relationship and could include favorite meals, snacks, sex, clothing, listening... etc...

I don't know how long you've been together, but it doesn't happen with a "snap" of the fingers for anything. And, I'm sure you're already well aware of it.

Just an idea, BUT, here goes anyway... Why not have a date night, dress up, make his favorite meal, order out, and watch a movie you both like, play a fun game, role play... just make it all about the two of you... And rekindle that spark.. It could lead to much happier feelings...

And, write down a list of all of the good things you both like about the other one, and then TRADE!! These could really also make you both happy ...

Hope these ideas help you out.

Best regards~

GatsbyCat 🎈🎃

[iWasSunshine in reply to GatsbyCat]

Thank you so much for the fun ideas and the book suggestions! We’ve been married for 10 years and it’s been really difficult, so anything at this point will help ❤️

[iWife]

Hi iWasSunshine,

This is tough. Sorry to hear. I wanted to share my thoughts, and I apologize in advance if I'm way off! Firstly, I can relate to this feeling of "surviving" in my marriage as a neurotypical spouse to my husband with ADHD. Having said that, adjusting expectations of my marriage has been helpful. I know that my relationship will always have ups and downs and that the effects of ADHD will intensify these ups and downs. I also know that I'll need to work harder than other married couples to cope with stress, communicate with my partner, and experience intimacy (that's not to say that without ADHD that the grass is greener). In addition, naming and accepting these differences has helped me adjust expectations, and at the end of the day count my blessings/what was successful in our relationship rather than fret over all of my (unrealistic) expectations not being met.

The other thing that could be helpful is to instead of trying to feel happy about and wanting to nurture "the relationship" as a whole, see what aspects or even moments of the relationship might bring happiness or be something worth nurturing. There are some aspects of my marriage that I can say "I'm happy about and want to nurture." For example, each week my husband and I attend a Zoom meeting with other couples from our church to discuss topics related to marriage. Another aspect is our mutual interest in spending time in nature for hikes, camping, or canoeing. Finally, we are mostly aligned when it comes to advocating for issues related to social justice. Any of these aspects, I'd say "I'm happy about and what to nurture."

Again, I think this has worked for me because I've adjusted my expectations of my marriage, and try not to expect my marriage to be what I thought it could be (without the effects of ADHD). I regularly have to remind myself of what's working in my marriage and sometimes it just comes down to my husband loves me, we're deeply committed, and every marriage is unique.

Would it be possible for your husband to talk to a therapist from time to time? If he could talk to one that specializes in the effects of ADHD on marriage, I think that would help a lot. There's just a lot to work out in our heads and our hearts that I've found can't really be sorted out with our spouse, friends, or family because they're not in our shoes. I've felt very isolated at times. However, meeting monthly with my therapist has been helpful! I regularly have to balance out "survival" with retreating from it by way of quiet time away from my spouse, reading, SLEEP, prayer, exercising, e.t.c. I've also joined an online support group here add.org/adda-virtual-programs/. Maybe you will see something for him, or for the two of you to continue actively working at improving things—and be encouraged and affirmed along the journey.

Hope something here made sense. Wishing you the best!

[iWasSunshine in reply to iWife]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me ❤️ I especially like the idea of nurturing certain aspects of the relationship. I’ll definitely pass that on to my husband!